Codependency is like when someone tells you they need a hand, and you don’t know which hand to give so you give both. And then you’re worried maybe they need more, and decide, “How about my feet too?”. But then what if they don’t know how to use them? Maybe I should add a manual.
While that seems like an over-exaggeration to some, the feelings and behaviours exhibited by someone who is codependent are very real. There’s some pervasive sense of responsibility, especially if someone is going through hardship, to the point where personal needs or self-identity just doesn’t matter.
Its Twisted Roots
The strongest root lies in our childhood familial environment. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, are more likely to develop codependency.
Some examples:
Ψ A family member with chronic addiction or illness. A child is parentified, and grew accustomed to constantly sacrificing freedom, or interests, to care for their family member. “They won’t suffer if I give them my allowance. I’ll be fine.”
Ψ Abuse. A child believes they are unworthy of love or deserve the punishment. “I need to do more, to get the love or care I wish for.”
Ψ Domineering or controlling parents. High expectations and harsh punishments. “As long as the expectations are met, I can get approval, affection. Or I won’t be punished. It doesn’t matter what I feel!”
Its Warning Signs
Ψ Purpose and self-image is tied to relationships with others
Ψ Self-expression is difficult – needs, opinions, emotions
Ψ Fear of separation, or abandonment
Ψ Others’ opinions or approval is a need, not a “good to
have”
Ψ “Their needs are more important, mine aren’t”
Ψ “I’m doing all this to take care of them, to rescue them”
(cue need to control)
The Battle Shields Against Codependency
Ψ Knowledge: Ignorance is not bliss – recognising the signs and identifying it bears the foundation for everything else.
Ψ Check: Thoughts, feelings, behaviours about yourself, and your relationship with others – have we lost ourselves in the process of giving away too much?
Ψ Craft the blueprint: Think - how do we support others without losing ourselves? How much can we give without losing everything? What can we protect or enhance? Negotiate, but clarify what our loved ones need as well – it’s collaborative.
Ψ Build the shield: It’s not going to be perfect and full-proof, and the first few times will always be rusty. But over time, we upgrade or learn how to do it better. Find what works for us, practice, fail, and learn again!
Humans are interdependent creatures. We can’t survive alone, but we don’t have to live for others as well. We each have our own needs and wants. Although interdependency is like a scale that can never be fully balanced or level, at the very least, it’s not all the rocks on one side.