How do you achieve self-love?
Self-love, or even love itself, is hard to define. There is no universal definition, and we probably define and experience self-love differently. How you achieve self-love tends to be unique as well. One way to understand self-love is from a psychological standpoint, where self-love refers to an authentic appreciation for yourself.
Self-love ≠ Narcissism
How is self-love different from narcissism? Well, it is undeniable that we generally associate narcissism with a significant level of perceived self-appreciation. While narcissistic tendencies are typically observed during interpersonal interactions, practising self-love can be a private and internal process that is unobservable to others. The primary goal with self-love is to develop a positive self-concept. Whereas with narcissism, the goal might be to gain external admiration or regard. Another defining feature of narcissism is the perceived lack of awareness or care for others’ thoughts and feelings. Comparatively, a person who is self-loving can still be caring and compassionate.
To avoid becoming narcissistic, it is crucial to routinely remind yourself of personal core values like humility, kindness, or forgiveness. Additionally, keep in mind the type of person you aspire to be and aim to mould yourself into that person. Your values will help prevent any grandiosity or inflated self-esteem.
You might not be aware of it, but you may already be practising some acts of self-love. These acts demonstrate a sincere appreciation or recognition for yourself or something you did. For example, patting yourself on the back when setting boundaries, forgiving yourself when you fail to accomplish a task or even just challenging thoughts of self-doubt.
Is self-love really necessary and when do I need to start incorporating practices in my routine?
There are certain times in life when practising self-love could be an important coping strategy for your mental well-being. This is particularly so when your inner critic is being overly harsh, in you need a mood booster, or if you are struggling with your self-esteem. When your internal dialogue is critical and negative, practising some self-love could help lift your spirits.
Here are some psychological tips on increasing self-love:
Ψ Identify unhelpful self-judgment
Unhelpful habits usually refer to excessive, unsustainable or even counterintuitive patterns of thought or behaviour. Some criticism is also commonly believed to be motivation to work harder or do better, but it is imperative to stop yourself from going too far. Excessive or disproportionate criticism and self-judgement can pave the way to unhealthy cognitive distortions, or even lead to self-loathing.
The first step towards self-love is to identify when you are being too self-critical. When you call yourself a failure, belittle yourself or beat yourself up over mistakes, catch yourself in these moments and just pause. Are you being too harsh on yourself? If your friend behaved similarly, would you feel the same way about them as you do about yourself now? Are you catastrophizing? Is the criticism an honest representation of who you are?
Ψ Mindfulness
Another alternative to hitting pause on self-criticism would be mindfulness. Practising mindfulness regularly could potentially change unforgiving internal dialogue to be more nonjudgmental and curious. Mindfulness teaches you to be more fully present at any given moment. It guides you in approaching your internal or external experiences with curiosity and openness. You learn to just notice, rather than react. For some guided mindfulness practices curated by our own psychologists, click here.
Ψ Self-compassion
Can you truly love yourself without some self-compassion? The point here is not to debate which is more vital, but rather to emphasise that self-compassion and self-love work hand in hand. When you are kind to yourself, you let go of shortcomings. You may not be truly appreciative, but you learn to accept and forgive failures rather than holding grudges with yourself. This is a step closer to growing appreciation for yourself, even if you cannot see it yet. Some common self-compassion practices include loving kindness practices, curated mantras with self-affirmations, guided meditation exercises and keeping a self-compassion journal.
Ψ Your Core Values
Learning more about yourself and the personal values that you cherish can increase some self-appreciation, especially when you behave or make decisions in line with your values. There are surveys online like the values in action (VIA) survey which can aid you in identifying your core values. Another way of learning your strengths or core values is to just ask your loved ones. Those who are closest to you may understand you more than you think, and you may discover sides of yourself you never knew existed.
Knowing how to love ourselves and be appreciative can be hard, especially in competitive environments that constantly compare us to others. Overtime, we may have learnt to internalise words of those around us, even when they do not necessarily have our best interests at heart. To combat this, forming a healthy internal dialogue and relationship with ourselves is essential to support our well-being. Hopefully, the tips above would guide you and eventually lead you to develop some genuine self-love.