How to Be A Good Listener
Are you really listening to someone?
Have your loved ones felt worse after sharing their experience with you? Or have you felt misunderstood and not heard by your loved ones after confiding in them?
These are common encounters and it is frustrating to not be able to help our loved ones feel better. So how can we prevent such situations and improve on our understanding of others? The answer is to practice active listening!
Active listening is a technique of listening and responding that encourages in-depth comprehension and enhances mutual understanding. It emphasizes the importance of both nonverbal and verbal behaviours, unconditional acceptance, and unbiased reflection of the speaker’s feelings and experiences.
It is commonly used in situations such as during counselling, training, getting feedbacks, and solving disputes. It is also an important part of effective communication and building trusting relationships!
What are the benefits of being an active listener?
1. It helps build trust and stronger bonds in a relationship
Knowing that they will not be judged or interrupted when sharing, people will feel safe and comfortable to confide in you. This is very important when it comes to building trust and relationships. And when you engage in more conversations and sharing with others, you will get to know the speaker more and form a stronger and closer bond together!
2. It resolves problems that arose from miscommunication
Any miscomprehension of information can be corrected and processed to prevent further misunderstanding. When we ask questions, we are gathering the information we need to solve any communication problems. We will get to clarify the intentions and true feelings of others, which may have come across to us differently.
3. It helps to catch key information and retain them
Research has shown that we can remember conversations better when we are actively contributing to the conversation. Active learning allows us to listen and participate in the conversation such that we won’t miss out on important information and can remember them better.
4. It is effective in comforting the speaker
Active listening creates a sense of emotional awareness that helps the speakers feel better as the listeners acknowledge their feelings. The neutral setting and non-judgemental environment also help the speakers to keep calm and not get defensive. This also prevents them from bottling up their emotions, which will only make them feel worse and result in more problems in the future.
Now that we know the importance and impact of active listening in our day-to-day interactions, it’s time to learn about the skills involved!
Here are some skills on active listening to become a better listener:
Ψ Be Present In The Conversation
Face the speaker with an open posture (e.g. arms and legs uncrossed) to show your interest in the conversation and that you are giving your full attention.
Maintain eye contact to show respect to the speaker and that you are actively listening.
Give small nods or a simple verbal comment (e.g. uh-huh/mm hmm) to encourage the speaker to continue sharing without being interruptive.
Avoid turning your attention to surrounding factors and put aside distracting thoughts!
Ψ Do not interrupt when the speaker is sharing
Allow the speaker to finish talking before asking questions or responding.
Do not prepare to counter with a rebuttal — we are not here to put down anyone or make counterarguments to determine who is right or wrong!
Have a short wait time after the speaker spoke as it will sometimes prompt him/her to add on more details that he/she is reluctant or hesitate to share previously
Ψ Be Observant
Observe the speaker’s body language — is he/she showing signs of nervousness or anxiety despite saying he/she is fine?
Notice the tone of his/her voice.
Listen between the lines — what does the speaker want, how does he/she truly feel?
Ψ Ask questions when in doubt or confused to clarify
Does the speaker want solutions or advice from us or simply just want us to empathize with him/her?
This allows better understanding as our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear and understand.
E.g. “I don’t understand what you meant by…”, “What do you mean when you said...”, “Would you prefer if I suggest solutions or just be a listening ear?”
Ψ Rephrase or summarise what you heard
This will help you process and reflect on what you heard.
The speaker can correct you if there is any misinterpretation.
The speaker will feel heard and understood by you.
E.g. “Am I right to say that...”, “….is that what you mean?”, “Sounds like you are saying...”
Fun fact: Did you know that our short-term memory can only hold information for up to 30 seconds?
Therefore, we need to actively listen to one another to make sure there is no miscommunication and we can bring our message across accurately. It is also important to treat others in a way that you think they would appreciate or you would want them to treat you. It takes time and conscious effort to become a better listener, but with practice and love for your loved ones, you will definitely master active listening quickly!
You may also wish to seek professional help with one of our experienced clinical psychologists together with your loved ones to have an in-depth discussion on how to improve your communication skills and forge stronger relationships!