According to the Gottman Method couples therapy, most conflicts are not meant to be resolved but managed with care and understanding. The key is learning how to talk about them in a way that keeps you connected. Here are some ways to improve communication and stay close, even when things feel tough.
Managing Resolvable Conflicts
1. Speak Kindly
Start gently, especially when bringing up a sensitive topic. Use “I” statements like, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage appointments alone” instead of “You never help”. This shift avoids blame and shows you want to work towards a solution. Make space for your partner’s perspective and try to keep your tone and body language calm. Even during emotional moments, a gentle approach helps your partner stay open rather than defensive.
2. Accepting Influence
Being open to your partner’s input shows mutual respect. That could look like saying “good point” when they raise something valid or finding a shared goal that matters to both of you. It’s not about giving in. It’s about listening, compromising, and recognising that no one gets everything in a relationship, but both can feel valued. Especially during high-stress times like a fertility journey, showing flexibility can make both of you feel more supported.
3. Repair and De‑escalation
When things get heated, pause to cool down. Take a walk, breathe deeply, or share a small laugh. The aim isn’t to avoid conflict, but to navigate it without burning out. Even something as simple as holding hands during an argument can reset the emotional tone.
4. Compromise
Compromise means finding a path forward that honours both your needs. Start by asking: What’s most important to me? What can I be flexible about? Look for shared goals, like wanting to feel emotionally close or making decisions as a team. Then work together toward a temporary or long-term solution.
Navigating Nonresolvable Issues
1. Establish Dialogue on Long-Term Problems
Some issues won’t go away and that’s okay. What matters is how you talk about them. Revisit ongoing challenges with kindness, curiosity, and patience. These aren’t one-time conversations, but ongoing opportunities for connection.
2. Increase Positive Interactions
Balance the tough moments with small positive ones. A quick hug, a shared smile, or a moment of empathy can go a long way. Aim for five positive interactions for every difficult one to keep the emotional connection strong.
3. Physiological Soothing
Arguments can take a toll on your body. Do calming things together like deep breathing, stretching, or just lying down beside each other without talking. These small resets help your nervous systems regulate so you’re not in fight-or-flight mode all the time.
4. Explore Underlying Dreams
Get curious about the deeper meaning behind disagreements. Ask: “What’s your ideal outcome here?” or “Is there something from your past that makes this especially important to you?” These questions help you connect with each other’s hopes and vulnerabilities, understanding their struggles and why they choose to make certain decisions.
5. Foster Understanding and Acceptance
You won’t always agree and that’s okay. What matters is feeling seen and heard. Ask your partner, “Why is this so important to you?” and listen to their values or emotional history. This builds a bridge between your differences instead of turning them into barriers.
We’re In This Together
At the heart of every strong relationship is a shared commitment to understanding and growth. Communication during conflict isn’t just about fixing problems. It’s about showing up for each other, even during times of frustration. It takes effort from both partners to listen openly, manage differences with care, and stay emotionally connected.
By practicing these skills together, you can build a relationship that weathers disputes and emerges stronger on the other side. However, if conflicts persist, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Professional guidance can help mend the connection that once was.