“Guys, can we just trauma bond for sec? You know when your shift is about to end and suddenly you get an order of 20 drinks...”

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser.

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond

We deny all the red flags.

We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions.

“She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.

“I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.

Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.

Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.

4. We cut off the people who try to help.

We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree.

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

Love-bombing

The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need.

2. Developing Trust and Dependency

At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?

3. Criticism

Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting

“You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.

5. Resignation and Giving Up

Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway.

6. Loss of Self

We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were.

7. Obsession

In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.

What to do to break the bond

Recognise the trauma bond

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through.

Leave the relationship (safely)

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.