Maybe it started with a harmless game night.
Then came a promise that the money would be paid back. Another explanation for where the money went. Another night wondering whether they were really working, or out gambling.
When someone we love struggles with gambling, it can be hard to know what to do.
“How do we get them to stop?
Should we lend them money again?
Will they accept help?”
But Gambling Affects You Too, Even If You Don’t Gamble
Gambling can become harmful when it repeatedly creates problems for the one who gambles or for those around them.
Chasing losses, hiding how much has been spent, borrowing money to gamble, or repeatedly trying and struggling to cut down can all be signs that gambling needs to be addressed. For more information on problem gambling or Gambling Disorder, click here.
The impact on you may look different. There may be:
Anger, resentment, betrayal, guilt or exhaustion
Financial stress, debt or uncertainty about where money has gone
Repeated arguments, secrecy or a loss of trust in your loved one
Feeling responsible for keeping the household afloat
Worry about how children or other family members are being affected
Sometimes, so much of your energy goes into responding to the gambling that it takes a while to notice how much your own life has started revolving around it.
“If I Don’t Help Them, Who Will?”
We know the situation is complex. We know you want to be supportive.
The desire to help, monitor, cover for or defend your loved one comes from care and a very real fear of what would happen if you didn’t.
But supporting them does not mean that you should become responsible for controlling their gambling. You cannot monitor every urge, prevent every bet or make another person ready to change.
Consider: Are you truly helping them, or are you starting to carry their responsibilities?
This does not mean you need to withdraw your care or support. Rather, become clearer about what support really means so that you don’t lose yourself or what is important to you, while caring for them.
If there’s a safety concern where gambling has also led to threats, intimidation, violence, severe financial instability or concerns about children's safety, specialised support is needed. In these situations, safety should come before trying to persuade them to change their gambling.
If you are affected by a loved one’s gambling, this is what you can try to do:
1. Raise concerns about gambling without attacking.
Saying, “You’re so irresponsible, can’t you control yourself?” is a sure-fire way to make your loved one feel ashamed or defensive, making it harder to talk openly about the gambling.
Some tips on starting and sustaining conversations include describing actions, talking about your worries using “I” statements and planning responses while thinking about how they may react.
Like, “I've noticed that the bills have gone unpaid and you had been out gambling more these days. I’m starting to get worried. I care for you and want you to know that I’m here. Talk to me about what’s been going on.”
2. Protect your finances and wellbeing.
Setting boundaries is hard, especially when a loved one disagrees that their gambling is a problem. But their agreement is not required for you to protect your finances, wellbeing or other responsibilities.
Where it is safe to do so, stay clear and consistent about what you can and cannot take responsibility for. If your safety is at risk at any point in time, do not continue the conversation and prioritise your safety.
For example: “I cannot give you money to cover gambling losses, but I can help you look for professional support. I can walk with you through this journey, but I cannot support gambling.”
Depending on the situation, some other steps include separating bank accounts, avoiding repeatedly covering their losses, protecting shared finances, using grocery or food vouchers instead of giving cash, or supporting them in setting up self-exclusion and visit limits.
What If They Refuse Help?
This can be one of the hardest parts. You may see the problem, but they don’t.
But you do not have to wait to help yourself.
Psychological support can also be for you – the family member, partner or friend who has been living with the consequences of gambling. A psychologist can help you work through anger, anxiety, guilt or exhaustion, think about realistic boundaries, strengthen your support system, and decide how to respond when (or even before) gambling happens again. Support can bring the focus back to what you need to cope with the situation.
For more services and practical support in Singapore, the National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG) has a helpline, webchat service and can support on implementing exclusions and visit limits.
Reminder: You Need to Look After Yourself Too
We can love others and still feel angry with them.
We can hope that things will change while no longer trusting another promise.
We can want to help and still feel tired of helping.
Those feelings can exist together.
Supporting someone experiencing gambling problems does matter, but support does not have to mean that you carry your struggles alone.
