Ah, the proverbial rose-tinted glasses…
Or, from a loved one’s view, a baffling ability to ignore the red flags and torment themselves?
We know how painful it can be to watch someone we care about stay in a relationship that keeps hurting them.
Manipulation. Control. Lies. Broken promises. Betrayal. Cruelty followed by apologies, affection and promises that things will be different.
And we know exactly what many loved ones are wondering:
“Why won’t they leave??”
That question often comes from love, fear and a desire to protect the person. But when it is expressed through criticism, frustration or ultimatums, the person often feels more ashamed, misunderstood or alone.
Some people recognise harm clearly. Others may be struggling with clarity, doubt, hope and minimisation. Either way, leaving could still feel more frightening, dangerous or difficult than staying.
Before going further, it is important to clarify that a “toxic relationship” is not a diagnosis. Some relationships are unhealthy without being abusive. Trauma bonding, coercive control and safety planning are important considerations when there is a repeated pattern of abuse, fear or power and control.
Understanding why someone stays does not excuse harmful behaviour or minimise what is happening. It should instead help us respond in ways that are less likely to deepen their shame or isolation.
So, why don’t they just leave?
1. They have not lost hope.
Toxic relationships do not only refer to relationships involving abuse. They can also include unhealthy patterns such as repeated manipulation, dishonesty, emotional instability, poor boundaries or ongoing behaviour that causes distress and undermines a person’s wellbeing.
Even within a harmful relationship, there may still be affection, laughter, convincing apologies, promises to change and reminders of the person they first loved. When things briefly improve, it can feel like evidence that the relationship can be saved.
In some abusive relationships, periods of fear or harm may alternate with apologies, affection and calm. The relief that follows a distressing incident can be powerful, and that partner may come to feel like both a source of fear and a source of comfort.
This can contribute to a trauma bond: unpredictability strengthens attachment and hope, making it harder to know which version of the relationship is “real”.
They may tell themselves to focus on the good, explain the harm as stress or “a bad day”, and believe things will improve if they try harder. What they are holding on to is not the pain, but the caring version of their partner that keeps returning, even if it never lasts.
2. Leaving means losing more than the bad parts.
Ending the relationship often means losing what they may value:
A person they remain deeply attached to
A home, routine or sense of family
A familiar identity or role
A future they had imagined
Financial stability
Time with their children
Shared friendships or community
Years of emotional effort and sacrifice
A relationship can be harmful and still contain meaningful memories, attachment and moments of genuine care – aspects that some people cherish and hold onto, deeply.
They may want to leave and stay at the same time. This does not minimise the harm; it shows the pain of choosing between different losses.
3. Leaving may not feel safe or possible.
Sometimes, the barriers are not only emotional.
A coercive partner may restrict access to money, transport, work, support networks or private communication. They may also threaten children, housing, reputation, or threaten self-harm or violence to prevent them from leaving.
What looks like an unwillingness to leave may actually be someone:
Trying to save enough money
Looking for somewhere safe to stay
Gathering important documents
Waiting for support to become available
Considering what may happen to their children
Assessing how their partner might react
What appears to be reluctance may actually be caution, planning or a response to real danger.
Where abuse or coercive control is present, leaving may require safety planning. Pressuring someone to leave immediately can overlook the risks they are trying to manage.
4. Their trust in themselves may have been worn down.
Repeated criticism, blame, manipulation or gaslighting can change how someone sees themselves. They may begin to think:
“Maybe I am overreacting.”
“Perhaps it really is my fault.”
“No one else would want me.”
“I won’t cope by myself.”
“Maybe they do understand the situation better than I do.”
Over time, they may lose confidence their own judgement and rely on the same partner to define what happened, whether their feelings are reasonable and what to do next.
What looks like passivity, indecision or denial may reflect eroded confidence, restricted independence or narrowed access to other perspectives.
How Can Loved Ones Help?
Perhaps the more helpful question is not:
“Why won’t they leave?”
But:
“What is making it difficult to leave?”
If someone already feels controlled, repeatedly telling them what they “must” do can echo the loss of choice they are experiencing.
Compassion does not mean pretending the relationship is healthy. It means staying curious about what they face and staying connected to help them recover safety, choice and confidence.
Here’s how to actually respond:
“Why are you still with them?” “What makes leaving difficult right now?”
“You need to leave.” “What are you most worried might happen if you did?”
“If you go back, I’m done helping.” “I may feel worried or frustrated because I care about you, but I still want you to know that you can talk to me.”
Instead of attacking the partner’s character, name the specific behaviour that causes concern:
“I am worried about the way they speak to you and how frightened you seem afterwards.”
Listen without immediately responding with “Just leave”, “I told you so” or criticism of the choices they have made.
With their agreement, and where it is safe to communicate, practical support might include researching services, arranging transport, finding somewhere safe or helping them weigh options.
As far as possible, avoid making emotional support conditional on the person leaving immediately. Shame and isolation can make them feel more helpless and stuck.
Compassion does not require unlimited availability, approval of the relationship or responsibility for every decision. Loved ones can set boundaries while remaining respectful and connected.
When Safety Is a Concern
If someone is experiencing threats, stalking, physical or sexual violence, or controlling behaviour, encourage them to seek professional support when it is safe to do so. Avoid confronting the abusive partner or making plans through a device or account that may be monitored.
In Singapore, the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline is available 24 hours a day at 1800 777 0000.
If there is immediate danger, call the Police at 999. If it is unsafe to speak, emergency assistance can be requested by SMS at 70999.
A personalised safety plan can help the person consider where they might go, whom they can contact and what they may need if the situation escalates. This is best developed with a trained professional who can consider their circumstances and level of risk.
The Painful Truth
People may recognise the hurt, but struggle to let go.
They may already know something is deeply wrong. They may be incredibly afraid. They may not think it is possible for them to have another choice.
What they need is not another person taking control, even with good intentions. They need someone beside them who understands, stays connected and helps them see that other possibilities remain.
Curiosity and compassion will help keep the door open.
