How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Identity & Relationships

The experiences we have in childhood, especially trauma or neglect, don’t just fade with time. Childhood trauma can shape adult identity, relationships, and emotional health. If you grew up in an unsafe, neglectful, or emotionally unpredictable environment, those early adaptations may still be with you. This is not because you’re broken, but because you found ways to survive. 

You might have told yourself or internalised messages that minimise or dismiss what we went through. This includes messages like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “You’re being too sensitive.” These are ways you try to make sense of pain that was not recognised or supported when it happened.  

The truth is that when we are young we do whatever we can to feel safe, loved or in control. The coping strategies we develop, even the ones that feel automatic now, began as responses to distress. They were not reflections of who we truly are. Over time, they can become deeply embedded in our sense of self.  

Whether you’ve living with these effects or trying to understand someone you care about, exploring how childhood trauma shapes adult identity is a powerful and compassionate step toward healing.  

How Childhood Trauma Shapes Coping and Identity 

When your environment as a child feels unpredictable or unsafe, you adapt quickly and quietly. These behaviours are instinctive and protective responses, not chosen. 

You might have: 

• Become hyper-independent to avoid relying on others 

• Taken on adult responsibilities far too soon 

• Learned to people-please to avoid conflict or keep the peace 

• Shut down emotionally to avoid being hurt  

At the time, these actions helped you get through and navigate your overwhelming world. But when coping with childhood trauma in adulthood, these same patterns can keep us disconnected or exhausted. What once protected us can begin to limit us.  

Childhood Trauma and the Loss of True Self 

In unsafe or emotionally unpredictable environments, it often feels unsafe to fully be yourself. You may have started to hide certain parts of who you are to avoid rejection or criticism. That might mean: 

• Hiding your emotions to avoid being punished or rejected 

• Being overly agreeable or invisible to keep others happy 

• Disconnecting from your own needs or preferences to avoid disappointment 

Without the freedom to explore and express who you truly are, parts of your personality can stay hidden or underdeveloped. Later in life, this might show up as feeling unsure of who you really are. You might struggle to make decisions or feel emotionally disconnected from yourself.  

A Distorted Sense of Self-Worth 

When love or safety felt conditional growing up, you may have come to believe that your worth needed to be earned. You might have looked to achievement or approval as ways to feel “good enough” causing an impact on identity. 

This can look like: 

• Tying your self-worth to success or how others perceive you 

• Struggling with chronic self-criticism or perfectionism 

• Feeling unworthy unless you are always achieving or doing  

As adults, you might push yourself relentlessly. Rest might bring guilt. Even small mistakes can feel intolerable. Slowing down or showing yourself kindness may feel unfamiliar or even impossible.  

Difficulty Regulating Emotions 

Children need consistent and supportive caregivers to help them learn how to manage strong emotions. If that support was not there, you may have grown up without the tools to appropriately handle emotional stress.  

This can show up in adulthood as: 

• Being easily overwhelmed or reactive 

• Feeling anxious or on edge much of the time 

• Shutting down emotionally or numbing out completely  

These emotional patterns often persist for years. The childhood emotional neglect and identity issues can impact your relationships and ability to cope with everyday challenges as an adult. 

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships 

When early relationships are unsafe or unpredictable, it can become difficult to trust others or feel secure in closeness. As adults, this might show up in many ways, such as: 

• Avoiding intimacy or finding it hard to stay emotionally present 

• Depending heavily on others for reassurance or identity 

• Struggling to respect or set healthy boundaries 

• Fearing abandonment or rejection, even in safe relationships  

Even when someone genuinely cares about you, it can feel hard to believe they are truly safe or reliable. These early relational wounds can continue to show up in both personal and professional relationships.  

Trauma May Shape You, But It Doesn’t Define You 

If these patterns sound familiar, know that you are not alone. Many of us who have experienced ongoing or repeated adversity in childhood go on to develop symptoms of Complex PTSD (c-PTSD). While these experiences may have shaped how we learned to cope, they don’t have to define who we become. With the right support, it’s possible to: 

• Understand and process the impact of trauma 

• Reconnect with the parts of yourself that were hidden 

• Build healthier relationships and boundaries 

• Strengthen your sense of identity and self-worth 

• Learn to manage strong emotions in healthy ways  

Trauma-informed therapies for adults, including Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and psychodynamic therapy can help you process childhood trauma and its impacts. A therapist trained in these approaches can help you process these experiences safely and gently at your own pace. They can help you move from surviving to living more fully.  

 Your early story shaped you, but it does not have to define your future. Your story is still unfolding and healing is possible. You don’t have to do it alone. 

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Ready to take the next step?  

If you’re coping with childhood trauma and its effects on adult identity or relationships, our therapists can help you heal. Our experienced, compassionate therapists can support you in working through past trauma and reconnecting with your true self. Get in touch for a confidential consultation.

We're here when you're ready.  

Understanding Trauma Responses and How to Heal

Trauma doesn’t always stem from one life-changing event. It can arise from a single experience, a series of repeated events, or a buildup of stress over time. In response, our brains and bodies develop automatic mechanisms to protect us—these are known as trauma responses.

These reactions often happen reflexively, without conscious choice. While they may have helped us survive in the past, trauma responses can disrupt daily life, relationships, and emotional well-being if left unaddressed.

What Are Trauma Responses?

Trauma responses are instinctive reactions to perceived danger. These reactions are shaped by the brain’s effort to keep us safe based on past threats. Even long after the threat is gone, these responses can remain activated, especially in people who have experienced ongoing or complex trauma.

The 4 Trauma Response Types: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

Fight Response

The fight response is characterised by confrontation. This can manifest as irritability, defensiveness, or aggression. While it may appear rooted in anger, it’s often driven by fear and the need to regain control in threatening situations.

Helpful in true danger, but may cause interpersonal conflict when over-activated.

Flight Response

The flight response involves escape. It may look like avoiding conflict, overworking, or feeling the urge to leave situations that feel overwhelming, whether it’s physically or emotionally.

Flight offers protection, but constant avoidance can limit connection and growth.

Freeze Response

Like a deer in headlights, the freeze response involves shutting down. You might feel numb, detached, or stuck, unable to speak or move. This mental “pause” helps the brain cope by disconnecting from the moment.

May delay healing if emotions remain unprocessed or repressed.

Fawn Response

The fawn response is the least talked about. It involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. People who fawn may over-apologise, struggle with boundaries, or place others’ needs before their own to maintain safety and approval.

Over time, this leads to emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relationships.

Common Signs of Trauma in Daily Life

Even when the traumatic event is long past, trauma responses can continue to affect how we think, feel, and relate to others.

Hypervigilance

A state of constant alertness and scanning for danger even when none exists. This may cause overreactions in situations that feel “normal” to others.

Emotional Dysregulation

Difficulty managing emotions. You may shut down, feel numb, lash out, or experience intense mood swings without clear triggers.

Negative Self-Perception

People with unresolved trauma often internalise harmful self-beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable”). These aren’t facts, but echoes of how others treated them.

Difficulty Trusting Others

Trauma can create a deep-rooted fear of rejection or betrayal, leading to withdrawal, isolation, or fear of intimacy, even when connection is desired.

How to Heal from Trauma: Steps Toward Recovery

Understanding your trauma is the first step toward healing. Here are small but meaningful ways to start your journey.

Try Grounding & Breathing Exercises

Techniques like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method bring you back to the present when anxiety or panic sets in.

Journal to Process Emotions

Journalling helps you organise thoughts, release built-up tension, and track your healing journey over time.

Practise Restorative Self-Care

Prioritise rest, nourishment, and comfort. This may include spending time in nature, engaging in hobbies, or simply taking breaks when needed.

When to See a Psychologist for Trauma Support

You don’t have to heal alone. A clinical psychologist can help you:

• Understand your trauma responses

• Rebuild a sense of safety and trust

• Learn healthy coping strategies

• Strengthen relationships and emotional resilience

Therapy provides a safe space to process trauma without judgment and develop practical tools to support your mental health long-term.

Final Thoughts

Healing from trauma isn’t linear. It’s okay if you take two steps forward and one step back. What matters is that you’re moving forward at your own pace with tools, awareness, and support.

If you’re ready to take that first step, reach out to our psychologists to begin your healing journey today.

10 Habits of People Living with C-PTSD

As a form of protection to themselves, they may practice the following habits to cope.  

1. Isolating Themselves  

Withdrawing from others gives them a sense of safety and security. Avoiding people, objects or situations that remind them of the traumatic event and trigger painful memories prevents them from feeling anxious. 

2. Emotional Detachment  

In addition to physical isolation, they may also emotionally detach themselves from others. This detachment helps them avoid questions or conversations from concerned well-wishers, families and friends that could unintentionally result in them revisiting the traumatic experience. 

3. Over-accommodating Others 

When interaction with others is unavoidable, those with C-PTSD may exhibit a tendency to people-please. They prioritise others needs over their own, going out of their way to ensure that others are cared for – often at the expense of their own well-being. 

4. Hyperarousal or “Always being on-guard” 

Those with C-PTSD often experience hyperarousal, which is a heightened state of alertness. They may constantly feel a sense of threat, so they stay ready to fight or flee at any moment. Even minor occurrences such as a sudden noise or movement could startle them.  

5. Sleep Difficulties 

Being in a constant state of vigilance or “fight-or-flight” mode can cause sleep interferences as the body struggles to calm its nervous system. Many struggle with falling or staying asleep and may feel perpetually tired as a result.  

6. Suppressing Emotions 

Not only do persons with C-PTSD avoid expressing their emotions, but they may also actively try and block out their emotions. This acts as a defense mechanism, preventing themselves from having to relive the experience.  

7. Irritability and Emotional Reactivity 

Persons with C-PTSD may experience heightened anxiety levels and feel irritable, causing them to lash out at others. These feelings of anxiety can be very distressing, and so additional stressors, however small they may seem, can cause one to feel angry or unpleasant. Constant irritableness can also impact interpersonal relationships, resulting in challenges in establishing and maintaining healthy connections with others.  

8. Persistent Self-Doubt 

Experiencing prolonged trauma – especially in situations where they were unable to protect or advocate for themselves – can cause individuals to lose trust in their own judgement. This self-doubt can be deeply rooted, leading them to question their abilities, decisions and worth.

9. Self-destructive behaviours 

To cope with feelings of anxiety or escape distressing and intrusive thoughts, some persons with C-PTSD may turn to harmful coping strategies such as substance use or self-harm. While these behaviours offer temporary relief, they often exacerbate the emotional pain in the long term. 

10. Overworking as a Distraction 

Often deemed as workaholics, those with C-PTSD may get into the habit of overworking themselves to distract themselves from their trauma. While this may seem productive, working excessively can become a form of avoidance, preventing them from processing their emotional experiences, putting them at risk of burnout. 

These behaviours are common coping mechanisms exhibited by persons suffering from C-PTSD. While they may help individuals get through the day, they do not directly address the root causes of C-PTSD. If you or a loved one are struggling with any of these patterns, support from a mental health professional can be a crucial step toward healing and long-term recovery.   

Trauma Bonding

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser. 

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond 

1. We deny all the red flags.

   We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.  
   
   

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions. 

   “She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.  

   “I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.  
   

   Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.  
   
   

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.  

   Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.  
   
   

4. We cut off the people who try to help. 

   We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree. 

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7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

1. Love-bombing 

   The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need. 
   
   

2. Developing Trust and Dependency 

   At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?  
   
   

3. Criticism

   Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.  
   
   

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting 

   “You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.  
   
   

5. Resignation and Giving Up 

   Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway. 
   
   

6. Loss of Self 

   We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were. 
   
   

7. Obsession

   In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.  

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What to Do to Break the Bond 

• Recognise the trauma bond 

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through. 

• Leave the relationship (safely) 

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.  

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, we’re guided to challenge beliefs told to us by the abuser. In the process, we also learn to better manage difficult emotions or situations.  

Consider these helplines:

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 

• Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

Does High Functioning PTSD Exist?

However, some people who experienced trauma may seem like they’re doing just fine. That leads us to the question – does high functioning PTSD (HF-PTSD) exist? 

The answer is yes! While they could seem successful in many areas of their lives, those with HF-PTSD are not living at the optimal. In fact, they struggle internally and are coping through pain. Breakdowns or burnouts are likely to happen with a matter of time.  

Coping methods by those with HF-PTSD 

People with HF-PTSD are likely to cope by blocking out memories of their trauma. They avoid situations and people that remind them of their traumatic experiences. Doing so makes them look “perfectly okay”. While feeling constantly on-edge, they try to ignore the negatives. Instead, they work hard to excel at their work, relationships and other responsibilities. These distract them from the trauma and its effects.  

Healing the trauma 

While seemingly functioning well, living with HF-PTSD is not ideal. Without treatment, one could reach a breaking point. The following strategies can be used in the healing process.  

1. Talking to someone 

Having a listening ear that does not judge can help one feel supported throughout the healing process. It is useful to have an emotionally and physically safe space that gives us opportunities to express our emotions.  

2. Therapy 

Going to therapy is a good option for those with HF-PTSD. The therapist might use the following methods: 

a. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) 

During EMDR, the client is guided to recall the traumatic event they experienced. At the same time, they emphasize positive beliefs like “I had put in my best effort”. This helps the brain come to terms with their negative experiences.  

b. Exposure Therapy 

People with HF-PTSD frequently avoid people and places that remind them of trauma. Exposure therapy, like its name suggests, exposes the client to these reminders. They learn to cope with their feelings of anxiety.  

c. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, unhealthy thoughts are identified and challenged to change behaviour. This helps the client makes sense of the traumatic event and deal with challenges in a more adaptive way.  

HF-PTSD is a real condition that you or people around you may be dealing with. While sharing the emotional burden with someone can be helpful, the best form of treatment is to seek guidance from mental health professionals.