Being called manipulative can sting. It may leave you feeling confused, defensive or even guilty. You might start wondering if there is truth in the label, or if it says more about the other person than it does about you.
For some, the word may even raise fears about having a mental health condition such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), especially given how often people with BPD are unfairly labelled as manipulative.
If this is you, here are some suggestions on what you can do next.
Step One: Reflect
The first thing you can do is to pause and reflect on a few important questions.
1. Has this come from one person or several?
What people consider acceptable behaviour can vary a lot between individuals and cultures. If it is just one person who has used the label, it may be a sign of a personality mismatch rather than manipulation. However, if several people have described you this way, it may be worth exploring further.
2. How did I feel at the time?
When we think of manipulation, many picture a calm and calculated act of control. In some situations, a person might indeed feel enjoyment or a sense of power. However, for someone with BPD, the emotions are often very different. Rather than control, the driving force may be desperation and fear of abandonment. In these moments, the person is seeking reassurance and connection, not dominance.
3. What was my intention?
True manipulation is often about getting something at someone else’s expense. For someone with BPD, requests may sound manipulative on the surface. Examples include saying, “If you love me, you will help me do this,” or “Do this, or I will hurt myself.” These statements may sound controlling, but often the intention is to feel safe, valued and certain that the relationship is secure.
If you notice that your feelings and intentions align more closely with the patterns described in BPD, you can take further steps to explore whether this might be relevant to you.
Step Two: Consult the Family
Research suggests that BPD can run in families. If you have a parent, sibling or child with BPD, your own risk may be higher. Speaking with family members can sometimes provide useful insight into whether there is a history of BPD in your family.
Step Three: Seek a Professional Opinion
The most reliable way to understand whether you have BPD is to seek help from a mental health professional. They can carry out a thorough assessment using specialised tools and their clinical expertise. An accurate diagnosis, if there is one, is the first step toward understanding yourself better and finding effective support.
A Gentle Closing Thought
Being called manipulative does not automatically mean you are a bad person or that you have a mental health condition. It can be a chance to pause, reflect and better understand your own patterns. If you feel that fear, desperation or a deep need for reassurance are behind some of your actions, remember that these are human responses to emotional pain.
Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you are ready to understand yourself more deeply and move towards healthier ways of relating to others.
Written by Yi Ling and our Associate Psychologist