Living with a Narcissist: Protecting Your Emotional Health

Leaving a narcissist may not always feel like an option, especially if the narcissist is a loved one.

Does this mean that you have no choice but to quietly tolerate the other party’s behaviours that may at times be selfish, hurtful or manipulative?

We will be discussing what it’s like to live with someone who engages in frequent narcissistic behaviours and what you can do to protect your own emotional well-being.

Are you living with a Narcissist? 

Everyone prioritises themselves and their own needs to some degree. Putting one’s own needs first is actually healthy when it is not at the expense of others. However, narcissists are self-absorbed to an extreme extent. Some hallmark signs of narcissism are the tendency to disregard the needs and feelings of the people around them and fail to comprehend the effect of their behaviour on others. While narcissism varies on a spectrum, people with high levels of narcissistic traits may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and they exhibit more extreme self-centred behaviours. 

If you are unsure whether you are living with a narcissist, here are some signs in the person that you can look out for – a narcissist often possesses or exhibit the following: 

Ψ Lack of empathy: They are often unwilling or unable to empathise with the needs, wants or feelings of others. 

Ψ Unapologetic for hurting others: As they do not understand the effects of their behaviour on others, they do not take responsibility for their actions. They rarely apologise, unless the apology brings benefits. 

Ψ A grandiose sense of importance and entitlement: They believe that they are superior and have to be treated specially. Others should obey their wishes. 

Ψ Often overreact to criticism: They react strongly or may become abusive to the slightest criticism. 

Ψ Manipulative behaviour: They may gaslight and mislead you into thinking that you or your own experiences were wrong. They might deny saying things or claim that you are being overly sensitive. They might accuse you of misunderstanding the situation. 

How to Cope with Living with a Narcissist

It is natural to feel helpless when dealing with a narcissist. While changing a narcissist could be a potential solution, another more viable solution would be to make peace with the fact that you are living with a narcissist. Here are some suggestions on ways to cope with living with a narcissist:  

Ψ Refrain from blaming yourself 

Narcissism occurs due to a multitude of reasons such as genetics, early maltreatment or abuse, trauma and parenting.  

It is natural and even easy to feel that their behaviours are a personal attack or that you are responsible for their actions. This feeling of responsibility is experienced especially when emotions run high or when the narcissist exhibits blaming behaviour. Such thoughts may occur even if you are fully aware that their narcissistic behaviour has nothing to do with you while you are in a logical and calm state of mind.  

It is important to effortfully and constantly remind yourself that you are not responsible for their actions and recognise that while you can try your best to encourage them to get help or communicate with them, their behaviours are ultimately still beyond your control. 

Ψ Get in touch with your feelings  

Be honest with yourself without any judgment. It may feel uncomfortable at first especially if your feelings have been invalidated for most of your life. Know that it is normal to feel hopeless about your relationship with your narcissistic parent, and helpless that you can’t change them or guilt due to feeling like you should have done more. Be aware of any narcissistic habits you may have picked up from them over the years or any tendencies to be attracted to narcissistic partners. 

If you find yourself experiencing a lot of negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed, instead of pushing them away, simply let yourself sit with these emotions. It is natural to want to shun away from difficult emotions, however avoidance will only cause these emotions to perpetuate or even escalate in the long run. Difficult and negative emotions are like a cactus you hold in your hand. If you try to push them away, the cactus will prick you. But if you just observe it and let it be, you will not get pricked. Try pausing, taking a breath and noticing your emotions. 

Ψ Set healthy boundaries 

Setting firm boundaries on what you are willing and not willing to accept or tolerate. These boundaries are created not with the aim of changing the person, but to build a relationship that is both physically and psychologically safe. Communicating (and reminding) the other party of the boundaries you wish to establish is important. Staying firm with your boundaries with no guilt and shame is important too. Enforcing these boundaries may be difficult especially at the beginning but remember that they are essential. Click here for more tips on setting and enforcing boundaries!

Ψ Seek social support 

Living with a narcissist can be draining, both mentally and emotionally. Surrounding yourselves with people that care for you and are supportive is therefore pivotal. Talk to you close ones whom you trust that would offer you some emotional support and perspective. Let them know how they could best support you.   

Ψ Get professional help 

Whether you are currently living or used to live with a narcissist, we encourage you to speak to a therapist.

Your therapist can offer you a psychologically safe space to offload some of the emotional stress you experience or have experienced. They may offer new perspectives and help you reconcile with difficult experiences. If you are currently living with a narcissist, they can problem-solve with you and help you develop interpersonal skills that are effective when communicating with a narcissist. You could learn how to identify signs of gaslighting, discuss ways to set clear boundaries and develop assertiveness under the guidance of the therapist. They can also help to target any emotional repercussion that may have result due to your living environment. 

Let’s Recap 

Living with a narcissist is not easy. Keep in mind that what you are experiencing is never your fault. Remember that you are not the problem and be gentle to yourself. You may feel alone but remember that there are options and support. While you have less control of the narcissist’s actions towards you, you are in control of the solutions you seek for yourselves. It’s okay to seek help from a professional or create strong boundaries for yourself to protect your mental well-being.