How to Deal with Procrastination

(Fast forward a week later and an hour to the deadline, you realised you barely started on the task – screams panic!) 

Procrastination is a common behaviour that many of us are guilty of (this author included) - you are not alone! While occasional procrastination may appear harmless, it could be debilitating for those who are trapped in this complex and self-defeating cycle. Seeking short-term relief from avoiding the task in exchange for longer term negative consequences such as poorer work performance and relationships can also impact our stress levels and self-efficacy.  

Identify Underlying Causes  

To begin with, it is important to understand why procrastination happens for the person involved. People procrastinate for various reasons. Some individuals hold high standards of their work and fear perceived failure, including not being able to achieve that level of perfection. Others may lack motivation to start a task or may have difficulty sitting with uncomfortable feelings such as boredom or work anxiety. Identifying the underlying causes or possible triggers of your procrastination could help in developing practical and effective strategies to overcome this.  

Strategies to Manage Procrastination  

1. Setting Realistic Expectations  

How do you know when your expectations need to be adjusted? This might be the case if an objectively realistic/ reasonable task feels too challenging and you are demotivated from starting. Seeking feedback or consulting with supportive peers/ mentors might help us gain new insights and renewed motivation to complete our task within the given timeframe.   

2. Breaking Tasks Down  

Complex tasks/ projects can feel overwhelming, and it is often easier to push them to the bottom of the to-do list. However, putting them off can lead to heightened stress due to looming deadlines. One simple strategy could be:   

• Breaking down the task into smaller, achievable steps. For instance, instead of attempting to write a 1000-word essay in a single day, break it down into writing 200 words per day.  

• Reward yourself with a treat such as cup of coffee from your favourite café or a massage when small/ mundane tasks as well as milestone goals are achieved.

 3. Scheduling  

In addition to the above, these scheduling tips can help us be more intentional in setting aside time to complete important tasks:   

• Create a task list with timelines and prioritise them based on their importance and urgency. You could review this at the start and end of your workday too.  

• Time yourself (if necessary) to gauge how much time you actually take to complete tasks. 

• Allocate specific time-slots in your schedule for specific tasks, and ensure sufficient time (with some buffer) is given.

• Attempt the Pomodoro (or other) time management techniques: Work in focused time-intervals (e.g. 25 minutes) and take short breaks in between. Ensure that your work plans are achievable within the timeframe set to avoid discouragement.

4. Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts  

In some cases, people procrastinate due to fears of criticism or perceived failure. These thoughts may become 'unhelpful thoughts' if it becomes exaggerated, entrenched and hinders our progress on tasks. To address this, try re-evaluating these thoughts by seeking evidence for/against them or reframing them with more self-compassion. For example, you could ask yourself: “What feedback have I received regarding the quality of my work?”  or “Are the requirements for this task as high as I perceive?”. 

Having alternative and balanced thought patterns may not be easy. Do consider seeking support from trusted family members, mates or professionals if you find it difficult to challenge these thoughts on your own.   

5. Minimise Distractions  

Keeping your workspace clean and free from possible distractions can be beneficial. Choose a quiet and conducive environment especially when doing focused work, and remove likely interruptions or noise distractions, such as being with others who like to chat. Additionally, it might help to turn off email/ phone alerts including social media applications. Understanding your own pitfalls and preferences is important in creating an environment that is conducive for you.   

Breaking the cycle of procrastination is not easy, especially if it is an entrenched “habit”, but you will gradually get better with consistency (and doing what works best for you).   

Trauma Bonding

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser. 

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond 

1. We deny all the red flags.

   We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.  
   
   

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions. 

   “She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.  

   “I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.  
   

   Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.  
   
   

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.  

   Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.  
   
   

4. We cut off the people who try to help. 

   We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree. 

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7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

1. Love-bombing 

   The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need. 
   
   

2. Developing Trust and Dependency 

   At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?  
   
   

3. Criticism

   Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.  
   
   

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting 

   “You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.  
   
   

5. Resignation and Giving Up 

   Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway. 
   
   

6. Loss of Self 

   We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were. 
   
   

7. Obsession

   In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.  

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What to Do to Break the Bond 

• Recognise the trauma bond 

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through. 

• Leave the relationship (safely) 

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.  

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, we’re guided to challenge beliefs told to us by the abuser. In the process, we also learn to better manage difficult emotions or situations.  

Consider these helplines:

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 

• Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

Why Someone Rubs You the Wrong Way

This person could be a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a family member. There is always something about them, whether it's the way they speak, behave, or simply their mere presence, that makes you feel irritable.

But why is this the case? 

Different Values 

Values drive our actions, perceptions, and essentially every aspect of our lives. When two people with different values, or even opposing values, come together, clashes and conflicts can become inevitable. We must invest extra effort in regulating our emotions and managing our expectations in such situations. However, as time passes, it may become increasingly challenging to tolerate these differences. For example, consider someone who highly values punctuality meeting with someone who has a more relaxed approach to time. Being late once might be tolerable, but a consistent pattern of lateness can gradually wear down the person who values punctuality, making them increasingly irritable over time. 

Different Personality 

Apart from values, personality is another factor that might play a role here. Introverts and extroverts are probably two of the most common personalities known. Introverts are those who prefer solitary and low-stimulation environments, while extroverts are those who prefer social interaction and enjoy external stimuli. When people with these two different personalities meet, clashes could potentially happen. On one hand, introverts may feel overwhelmed by extroverts' social demands, and on the other hand, extroverts may feel that introverts are aloof or uninterested. 

Past Experiences 

Our life experiences shape our perceptions. If we've had a bad experience with an insurance agent, it's possible that when we encounter another insurance agent in the future, we might already have a negative impression of them before knowing much about them. When we meet someone who shares similar characteristics with those whom we had unpleasant experiences with in the past, they can easily rub us the wrong way even without doing anything. 

Conflicting Goals 

One simple example to illustrate this is by looking at football fans. I believe most of us have come across news where rival football fans were fighting or involved in violent clashes. Two different groups of individuals with different goals. When this occurs, or in cases where someone obstructs us from achieving our goals, it is natural for us to view them as enemies. 

There are various reasons that could contribute to why someone rubs us the wrong way, but there is probably one simple antidote to it, which is by being mindful. Being mindful of how our behaviours or perceptions are affected by our values, personalities, experiences, and goals allows us to be aware of our thinking and behaviour and gain better control of our actions.  

5 hygiene hacks when a shower is just too much

Showering can feel like a daunting task. Mentally, we’re drained, so it’s not a priority. But we need to clean ourselves for the sake of our physical health. Not only is showering a part of basic hygiene, but it can also improve our self-esteem and even help us relax. The next time a shower is too much for you, try any of these 5 hacks. 

1. Take a seat 

We don’t have to be standing in the shower! Try using a stool or shower seat. Make sure everything – soaps and showerhead - is within arm’s reach. 

2. Set the mood 

Taking a shower may not be something we look forward to. Try pairing it with something fun, like watching your favourite drama. Lying in bed with your phone? Turn on your shower playlist first, and sing along while you soap up.  

3. Take baby steps  

Undressing can feel like the biggest first step of the shower. If you’re not ready, keep your clothes on. Start by washing your face, or washing your hair over the sink. Smaller steps are still steps in the right direction! 

4. Take the shortcut sometimes 

When getting into the shower is too impossible, go for alternatives. Opt for dry shampoo and wet wipes, and use a leave-in conditioner. 

5. Set a goal 

Set a goal for the week. Whether it is taking one full shower or just washing your hair, make it a point to work towards that goal. Reward yourself with a treat after you have accomplished it. You can even get a friend to keep you accountable. 

Taking a shower is a form of self-care. Let’s remember to celebrate the little steps we took – whether it was washing our faces, turning on the shower head, or taking a whole shower! 

Not Knowing how to Live vs Wanting to Die

At some point, we might feel lost – we don’t know how to live. How is this different from wanting to end our lives?  

Not knowing how to live 

I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Many of us have these thoughts when we face a turning point. We could be going through change and making decisions – like leaving school, starting a new career or losing a family member.  

We feel uncertain as life presents us with a blank slate. With no clear purpose, we are confused. This turns into what is commonly dubbed as an “existential crisis”. This period can feel highly distressing, as we continue to have unanswered questions. 

What can we do when we don’t know how to live? 

• Explore our passions and continue our hobbies 

• Expand our horizons: Read widely and talk to people 

• Know and acknowledge our strengths 

• Accept that this is a period of uncertainty 

Wanting to die 

While we could consider feeling lost to be a normal part of life, it could turn dangerous. Without the plan and intention of ending our lives, the desire to die or no longer exist are considered passive suicide ideation. This signals that we have overwhelming emotions and pain, and we’re in desperate need of relief. 

Passive suicide ideation is a warning sign. Likely, there are underlying issues that we need to address. These challenges don’t just fade away over time. In fact, they can lead to active plans for death. As such, it is best that we pay attention to our thoughts, and get the help that we need. 

What can we do when we want to die? 

• Call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

• Talk to someone 

• Consider therapy 

• Make a safety plan: Decide and write down what we will do to keep ourselves safe when we want to die. 

Our existential crises may not be entirely bad – it hints at us to reassess what we’re going through. Perhaps some redirection and exploration can help us find meaning in our lives. But our alarm bells should ring when we find ourselves thinking of dying to relieve our pain. In this case, we can reach out to the available support around us – whether it’s talking to friends, family or professionals.  

Coping with Social Anxiety at the Dining Table

Yet, participating in a meal can feel excruciating for those who experience social anxiety. We are confined to a spot (with no easy escape), and the pressure to belong and make conversation can feel overwhelming. However, eating together is  also an essential way to network or bond with others. Let us explore how we can cope with our social anxiety :   

Pause and reflect 

A saying goes “ Worry keeps you busy but brings you nowhere”. It could help to identify our specific fears and other repeated “habits” that arise in social situations.  

Pause and reflect on what triggered your anxiety:   

Was it thinking “Am I boring?” when someone let out a yawn 

Feeling overwhelmed when there were too many people!   

Or feeling judged by a passing comment 

Let us jot down our fears so that we know what to work on.  

Prepare  

Has the thought “I’m boring… I have nothing interesting to talk about or contribute” crossed your mind? We can prepare conversation topics by reading up on current events, the latest books, movies, or games. Alternatively, we can also recall recent memories or personal anecdotes that we are comfortable to share with others. Note these down so that we can refer to them during our meals!  

Relaxation techniques  

Conversation topics? Check. But what about our emotions? To help manage them, here are some useful relaxation techniques:  

1. Take slow and deep breaths; and focus on them.

2. Notice our emotions with curiosity; instead of self-judgment. 

3. Practice progressive muscle relaxation by slowly tensing and then relaxing different muscles in your body, one at a time.   

Find the techniques that work best for you and practise them before you head out!  

Sit firm!  

Do you tend to feel daunted by social obligations and meals that it feels “too much”? Let’s start small and dine with one or a few people whom we feel relatively more comfortable with. During the meal, remember to use your prepared conversation topics and employ relaxation techniques to bear with the stress.  

Focus on others  

“Am I appropriately dressed?”, “Am I chewing too loudly?”. There are so many things about ourselves that we can pick on and be critical about. But...What if we focused on others instead? Some things to consider include:  

What is one thing you like about their appearance or outfit?  

Does their food look tasty?  

What emotions are they experiencing that you are noticing?  

As a bonus, we may even comment on them to keep the conversation going!   

Clarify  

If someone says “You seem quieter today .”  

You could clarify “Why do you think so?” to give an explanation rather than assume they are thinking negatively of you.

When in doubt, it may be helpful to clarify rather than assume the worst of their intentions or views of you. The person could have been just making an observation or expressing concern rather than judging you.

Practice makes progress!  

Let us try to have regular meals with others, and when comfortable, consider increasing the size of the group or initiating meals with people whom you’d like to get to know better.   

 May we all be able to build meaningful connections over food, without excess anxiety.  

20 questions to ask your psychiatrist/psychologist after you’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Gone, is that feeling of uncertainty, that uneasiness of “just what is wrong with me?”. We may experience relief from now having a label to describe our experiences, or perhaps feel sombre over being different. It is okay to allow ourselves some time to breathe and to feel our emotions.  

Once calmed, the thought may then occur to us, “What’s next? What do I need to know? What should I ask?”

Here are 20 questions that may prove useful: 

Clarification of diagnosis 

1. What does “borderline” mean?

2. Why is it called a “personality disorder”? Am I a bad person? 

3. What symptoms of BPD do I display? 

4. Could there be other diagnoses with similar symptoms? Are we certain I have BPD? 

5. Do I have any comorbidities? 

Learning

6. Was I born with this? How did I get this?

7. Do you have any tips for managing my symptoms and feelings? 

8. Do you have any recommended resources that would help me better understand BPD?

9. Do you know of any support group that I can join? 

10. Are there films or books about BPD that I may be able to relate to? 

11. How should I tell my loved ones about this?

12. How can I tell if someone still loves me?

13. Will this affect my relationships?

14. Will this impact my professional career?

15. Is there anything I should avoid? 

Treatment 

16. Is this curable? 

17. Are there any medications that may help? What are the side effects?

18. What is the most effective treatment? 

19. When will I get better? 

20. Is it possible to relapse? 

It has likely taken bravery and effort on our part to seek professional assessment, and we should give ourselves a pat on the back. Similarly, the road to recovery may seem arduous and daunting, but let us once again find the courage to persevere, so that we may better enjoy relationships with others.

I've been called manipulative, what should i do?

We may even have heard that people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are manipulative and worry if we may have the same disorder too. So, what should we do to check? 

Reflect 

Firstly, let us take a moment to reflect on these questions: 

Have others called me “manipulative”? 

What constitutes an acceptable behaviour can vary between individuals and cultures. If only one person labelled us as such, perhaps our personalities simply do not match. However, when many people think of us as manipulative, it may be beneficial to consider the next few questions. 

What did I feel while carrying out the acts? 

“Manipulation” may draw to mind a calm and collected con artist. If we enjoy lording over others, we may even feel exhilaration! On the other hand, individuals with BPD experience feelings of desperation! They engage in such behaviours as they are terrified of being abandoned and need the consistent reassurance or validation. 

What was I hoping to achieve through my actions? 

Unlike notions of manipulation where we are trying to gain something at the expense of someone else, individuals with BPD have different aims! Granted, individuals with BPD may sound manipulative with requests like “If you love me, help me do…” or “Do …, otherwise I will hurt myself”. However, their intention isn’t to inflict harm or dominate the other person. Instead, it is usually done to seek emotional comfort and reassurance that they are cherished and not about to be abandoned. 

After having pondered these questions and if it seems that we are similar to a person with BPD, let us move on to the next step to further explore if we may have BPD. 

Consult the family 

BPD runs in the family, with studies estimating that having a parent, sibling or child with BPD puts us at a 5 times greater risk of developing it ourselves. Checking in with our loved ones to see if there are any relatives within the family with BPD may help confirm or allay our worries. 

Seek professional opinion 

Lastly, the sure-fire way to check if we may have BPD would be to seek out a mental health professional. With their expertise and more in-depth assessment tools, they are more likely to provide you with an accurate assessment. 

Does High Functioning PTSD Exist?

However, some people who experienced trauma may seem like they’re doing just fine. That leads us to the question – does high functioning PTSD (HF-PTSD) exist? 

The answer is yes! While they could seem successful in many areas of their lives, those with HF-PTSD are not living at the optimal. In fact, they struggle internally and are coping through pain. Breakdowns or burnouts are likely to happen with a matter of time.  

Coping methods by those with HF-PTSD 

People with HF-PTSD are likely to cope by blocking out memories of their trauma. They avoid situations and people that remind them of their traumatic experiences. Doing so makes them look “perfectly okay”. While feeling constantly on-edge, they try to ignore the negatives. Instead, they work hard to excel at their work, relationships and other responsibilities. These distract them from the trauma and its effects.  

Healing the trauma 

While seemingly functioning well, living with HF-PTSD is not ideal. Without treatment, one could reach a breaking point. The following strategies can be used in the healing process.  

1. Talking to someone 

Having a listening ear that does not judge can help one feel supported throughout the healing process. It is useful to have an emotionally and physically safe space that gives us opportunities to express our emotions.  

2. Therapy 

Going to therapy is a good option for those with HF-PTSD. The therapist might use the following methods: 

a. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) 

During EMDR, the client is guided to recall the traumatic event they experienced. At the same time, they emphasize positive beliefs like “I had put in my best effort”. This helps the brain come to terms with their negative experiences.  

b. Exposure Therapy 

People with HF-PTSD frequently avoid people and places that remind them of trauma. Exposure therapy, like its name suggests, exposes the client to these reminders. They learn to cope with their feelings of anxiety.  

c. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, unhealthy thoughts are identified and challenged to change behaviour. This helps the client makes sense of the traumatic event and deal with challenges in a more adaptive way.  

HF-PTSD is a real condition that you or people around you may be dealing with. While sharing the emotional burden with someone can be helpful, the best form of treatment is to seek guidance from mental health professionals.  

A Guide to Healing from Parentification

Did you ever have to worry about looking after your siblings? Did you often find yourself acting as a confidant to your parents when they had an argument? Have you been complimented for your maturity in mediating family conflicts?  

If you identify with any of the above,
you might be a parentified child. 

What is Parentification? 

Parentification occurs when a child assumes the role of the parent. A parentified child is robbed of a carefree childhood and takes on hefty responsibilities that are inappropriate for their age. In adulthood, you might learn to only trust and rely on yourself, which hinders you from forming healthy relationships. 

Types of Parentification 

Ψ Instrumental Parentification. This is when a child takes on the physical and tangible duties of the parents. They might take care of their younger siblings, pay the bills or care for a loved one with a disability or an addiction.

Ψ Emotional Parentification. This is when a child provides emotional support for their parents. The parentified child might feel responsible in providing a listening ear or comfort and advice to their parents in times of distress. 

How to Heal from Parentification? 

Fortunately, it IS POSSIBLE to address the parentification trauma. Here are some tips to start embarking on your journey of recovering from parentification.  

Ψ Acknowledge your experience of being a parentified child. Be open to speaking up about your trauma. Accept the reality of a loss childhood and the repercussions it may have in your adulthood. Allow yourself to feel and process the grief and anger. 

Ψ Explore your needs and prioritize them. Reconnect with your inner child and explore these needs. You might need love, attention, or the freedom to play. You are now your own parent and have control over your needs. As a child, you might have missed out on activities that were meant for children. It might be difficult to put yourself first, but you can try with small steps. Start by spending time with friends, listening to music, meditating, or anything that makes you happy! 

Ψ Cultivate self-compassion. As parentification is covert and insidious, it often goes unnoticed. This does not mean that your feelings are any less justified. Don’t be too critical of yourself; understand that it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could have done better as an innocent child. Tell yourself “I am sorry for what you had to go through, and I love you”. 

Ψ Learn to establish healthy boundaries. Growing up with parents who push your boundaries might impair your ability to establish healthy boundaries. To set boundaries, be clear and direct to avoid miscommunication. While being polite, don’t feel apologetic for wanting to meet your own needs; remember that self-care is not selfish. 

It takes time and patience to allow yourself to heal. Our childhood wounds do not define us, and you deserve to have your needs taken care of. If you need support, feel free to reach out to our team of psychologists!