Coping After Losing a Loved One to Suicide

You might be asking questions no one can answer. Or feeling emotions that seem to contradict each other: sadness, guilt, anger, even relief, and then guilt again for feeling relief. It’s common. And it doesn’t make you a bad person. Or a bad friend, partner, or sibling.

Grieving after suicide is different. Let’s talk about how to survive it, piece by piece.

Ψ Give space to complicated feelings

You may notice your emotions shifting rapidly. Shock, regret, rage, deep sorrow, numbness. Grief after suicide rarely feels linear.

This is partly because suicide loss carries what we call disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn’t always openly acknowledged. People don’t know what to say. They avoid the topic altogether. That silence can make you feel even more alone in your pain.

It helps to name what you’re feeling, even just to yourself.

“I’m furious and I miss them.”

“I feel guilty, even though I know it’s not my fault.”

These are complex truths, and they can coexist.

Ψ Let go of the urge to find a neat explanation

After suicide, the mind often goes into detective mode: Was there a clue I missed? Was there something I could have done?

This kind of thinking is natural. It’s a way our brain tries to regain control after something that feels senseless.

But suicide is almost never the result of a single moment, or a single failure. It’s often the culmination of prolonged internal distress that the person may have hidden well. Hindsight can make things look clearer than they ever were at the time.

Guilt and responsibility are heavy burdens to carry but they’re not the same as truth. Acknowledge the desire to believe that you could have done more. But remind yourself it is not realistic.

Ψ Stay connected, especially when you want to withdraw

Grief has a way of isolating us. You may feel like no one could possibly understand, or that it’s easier to stay quiet. But staying connected, even in small ways, is protective.

Talk to someone who can sit with your pain without rushing to fix it. It may be a friend, a therapist, or someone in a support group who’s walked this road too.

If words are hard, you can start with presence. Sit beside someone. Share a cup of tea. Let yourself be around people who make space for you as you are.

 Ψ Engage in rituals that help you make meaning

When someone dies by suicide, there is often no goodbye, no closure. You might be left with unsaid words or unresolved hurt.

Creating your own rituals can help bridge that gap. You might write a letter, light a candle, revisit a shared place, or do something they once loved doing. These are ways of continuing bonds, something grief researchers have found can help the healing process.

Remembering the whole person, their humour, their kindness, their struggles, can help shift your focus from how they died to how they lived.

Ψ Notice how grief is showing up in your body

Grief doesn’t just affect your thoughts. It can show up physically. Fatigue, heaviness in your chest, disrupted sleep or appetite changes.

It’s okay to rest more. To eat simple meals. To let yourself do less.

Some people find movement helpful, like short walks, stretches, even just stepping outside for a few minutes. Others find comfort in breathing exercises or grounding techniques (like naming what you see, hear, and feel in the present).

Caring for your body while grieving isn’t about “fixing” anything. It’s about creating small moments of safety, or “normalcy”.

Ψ If the grief becomes too heavy

Sometimes, especially with traumatic or sudden loss, the pain can tip into despair. You might find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts you didn’t expect, or a numbness that feels frightening.

If this happens, please reach out. Call a helpline. Speak to a psychologist. Let someone know that it’s too much right now.

You don’t have to wait until you're “really struggling”. There’s no threshold of suffering you need to meet before you ask for support.

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What healing might look like, eventually…

You may not believe this now, but the pain won’t always feel this raw. Over time, many people find that their relationship with the loss changes.

You may begin to remember with more warmth than pain. You may speak their name again. You may laugh without guilt. These are not signs you’ve “moved on”. They’re signs you’re learning to live alongside the loss.

Grief is not something to “get over”. It’s something you live with. And in that living, you can still find joy, meaning and connection.

If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide and are struggling to cope, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

You are surviving something deeply painful. And you deserve care through it. Let us know if you need a listening ear.

Trauma Anniversaries: Understanding how you feel and how to cope

Trauma anniversaries can be a result of private (e.g. sexual assault, domestic violence or childhood abuse) or public trauma (e.g. natural disasters, terrorist attacks or political violence). Whether private or public, trauma anniversaries can stir up intense emotions and symptoms. These reactions are normal, and they are known as anniversary reactions.   

Why do trauma anniversaries occur? 

Trauma affects both our minds and bodies. When a traumatic event occurs, our body activates its fight, flight, or freeze response to protect us from the overwhelming danger. When this trauma is not fully processed, this survival response becomes overactive. Resultingly, cues that remind us of the traumatic event can trigger this intense reaction, even when there is no real threat.  

As the trauma anniversary nears, we may feel more on edge as our body reacts to perceived threats. These cues can be internal, such as emotional or physical states (i.e. feeling the same emotions or bodily sensations felt during the trauma). Cues can also be external, such as time-based (i.e. seasonal changes, time of year) or environmental triggers (i.e. sights, sounds, smells). Encountering a cue can activate the body’s survival response and can leave you feeling anxious, nervous or scared. 

However, these trauma reminders are not always negative. In some cases, they can support the healing process. For example, the anniversary of a loss may bring memories of a loved one and offer space to process your grief more deeply. Media coverage of a public tragedy can also rally survivors together and facilitate community support. 

Trauma Anniversary Symptoms  

Trauma anniversaries can often make PTSD symptoms worse. You may experience feelings of self-judgement and question “Why am I still bothered by this?”. Or you may face anticipation anxiety, dreading the day for fear you will struggle.  

Other common symptoms include: 

• Reliving the event 

• Most common symptom  

• Re-experiencing the feelings, bodily responses and thoughts that occurred during the trauma  

• Avoidance  

• Avoidance of anything related to the traumatic event (i.e. people, places, objects) 

• Negative changes in beliefs and feelings  

• Old thoughts or feelings of guilt or shame may return  

• Daily mood affected (e.g. sad, anxious, nervous)  

• Affects how they relate to others (i.e. friends and family) 

• Feeling “on edge” (hyperarousal) 

• Constantly feeling jittery, nervous or worried  

• Difficulties sleeping or having nightmares  

• More reactive to small triggers (i.e. irritable, easy to anger) 

In children, trauma anniversary symptoms may look different and often depends on their age, developmental level and previous experience dealing with trauma. Children commonly express their trauma through aggression, agitation, withdrawal, or increased anxiousness.  

 
Here is a summary of symptoms observed in children from different age groups: 

Young Children (0-6 years old): 

• Regression (e.g. bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk) 

• Separation anxiety (clinginess, fear of being alone) 

• Tantrums or irritability 

• Play that reenacts the trauma 

• Sleep problems (nightmares, fear of sleeping alone) 

• Physical complaints (stomachaches, headaches) 

School-aged children (6-12 years old): 

• Trouble focusing or learning in school 

• Acting out (aggression, defiance) or withdrawing 

• Frequent worries or excessive guilt 

• Avoiding reminders of the trauma 

• Sadness, anger, or mood swings 

Hypervigilance (always “on edge”) 

Adolescents (13-18 years old): 

• Risk-taking behavior (substance use, reckless actions) 

• Social withdrawal or isolation 

• Emotional numbness (e.g. shutting down) 

• Self-harm or thoughts of suicide 

• Academic decline 

Strong reactions to reminders (e.g. panic, anger, shutting down) 

 
How can we feel better? 

Over time, the distress will become less frequent and less intense. Most people start to feel better within a week or two after the anniversary of the traumatic event. While symptoms can feel overwhelming, there are effective strategies to help you cope.  

1. Caring for Your Physical Health  

Your physical health pays a big role in your mental well-being. A balanced diet, regular exercise and sufficient rest is especially important when dealing with trauma anniversaries, as they help regulate emotions and build emotional resilience. 

Exercise releases endorphins, commonly known as “happy hormones” that reduce anxiety and boost our mood. What you eat can significantly impact your mood. So, eating nutrient-rich foods can ensure your energy levels are stable and improve your feelings of anxiety, fatigue or irritability. Lastly, rest is crucial in facilitating recovery from trauma. Sleep helps restore your brain function, regulates your moods and calms your nervous system. Rest is not a luxury; it’s a necessity when coping with anniversary trauma.  

2. Lean on your loved ones 

When facing something as heavy as trauma, it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, seen and supported. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, listen without judgement and show genuine concern. Remember, you are not alone! When trauma anniversary symptoms surface, reach out to someone you trust to get support. 

3. Journalling  

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to reduce your anniversary trauma symptoms. Writing it down can help you acknowledge and process all the complex emotions you may be feeling. It can express emotions or thoughts that are too hard to say out loud, providing an outlet to reduce emotional overwhelm and facilitate healing.  

4. Try Calming Exercises  

Heart pounding, hands shaking and thoughts racing – when our survival response takes over, it can be difficult to steady ourselves admists the overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness exercises can help bring awareness to our emotions, calm our nervous system, and reground us to the present.  

5. Seek Professional Help 

Trauma is not something to dismiss or minimise. When left unaddressed, it can become deeply rooted and lead to serious mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. Sometimes, self-care alone is not enough – and that is okay! There is no shame in asking for help. Just like how you would visit a doctor when your body’s not feeling well, it can be helpful to visit a mental health professional if you have been struggling with your mental health. Therapists, counsellors and psychologists are trained to create a safe space where you feel supported, understood and heard. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do for yourself. 

What about helping your child? 

Guiding children through trauma, especially anniversary trauma, requires understanding, patience and emotional sensitivity. Here are some ways you can support them: 

1. Prepare and Acknowledge  

Gently prepare your child for the anniversary using age-appropriate language to help them understand the emotions they may experience. In the days leading up to it, practicing simple calming strategies together can equip them with healthy ways to manage their feelings.  

2. Let Them Lead 

Children process trauma in different ways. Some may want to face it head-on, while others prefer to avoid the anniversary altogether. Whichever approach, it is important not push our advice onto them and instead follow their cues. Give them space to cope with the trauma in the way that feels safest to them. 

3. Create a Safe Environment for your Child 

When a child experiences trauma, it can be difficult for them to feel safe again. As a parent or caregiver, it is important to consistently create a safe space where they feel comfortable and enough to share their feelings. Only when we know what they are feeling, can we tackle the complex emotions with them. 

Anniversary trauma and the distressing feelings, thoughts and physical symptoms it brings can be incredibly difficult to face. Navigating trauma can sometimes feel like an endless dark tunnel. But take heart – healing is possible. Lean on those who love you and be patient with yourself.  

Healing is never linear but every small step forward makes all the difference to recovery. 

Supporting a Loved One Who Fell for a Scam

As they share their stories, you might try to make sense of what happened. How could they trust a stranger? There might be the urge to question and comment on how they could be fall for a scam. 

But Hold On.... 

Chances are, they already knew the warning signs. They probably read the news about scammers and the victims too. Yet, scams are designed to outsmart even the savviest people. We know that you care and want to help, but a lecture isn’t what they need now. They need your understanding, empathy, and support at this moment to help them process. 

So, How Do I Approach This? 

The best way to approach this is to guide the conversation gently and constructively. This means just being there to help them process their experience, offering emotional reassurance, and figuring out practical steps to move forward together.  

Start by understanding what happened without rushing into solutions. 

Ψ Show Your Genuine Care and Curiosity 

Your loved one might not feel ready to share everything immediately. They could feel hesitant, withdrawn, or even overwhelmed after the incident. Scams often leave victims feeling vulnerable, so it’s understandable why they might feel so. 

You can help create a safe and judgement-free space by asking open-ended and neutral questions. For example: 

• “How are you feeling now?” 

• “Do you want to tell me more about it? 

Rather than asking them questions on how the scam happened (we know you’re curious!), give them space to share what they want, when they are ready. This shows that you genuinely care and are willing to give them room to share at their own pace. Remember to be patient, let them lead the conversation, and avoid pushing for answers. 

Ψ Recognise and Validate Their Emotions 

Once they begin to share, let them know their feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel embarrassed, angry, guilty, or devastated. These emotions are a natural response to a difficult experience. 

Here are some useful phrases: 

• “It’s completely normal to feel upset about this. If this happens to me, I will feel the same too.” 

• “This doesn’t define you—scammers are incredibly skilled at tricking people.” 

• “You’re not alone. It happens to so many people, and it’s not your fault.” 

 By validating their emotions without judgment, you help ease the weight of shame or guilt they might be carrying. 

Ψ Clarify the Details (Gently) 

Victims of scams often face self-blame and shame. It would be completely normal for them to feel an array of thoughts and emotions. Gentle questions allow them to process the incident and all that has happened.  

You can start off by asking “Do you want to talk more about how the scam happened?” to assess if they are ready for the conversation. If they are, you could try asking the following questions: 

• “Do you remember what they said or did to convince you?” 

• “Did they provide any links, documents, profiles or phone numbers?” 

• “What kind of payment were they asking for, and how did you make it?” 

It’s okay if they don’t remember every detail or aren’t ready to share everything. The goal is to provide clarity without pressuring them. 

How Can I Help Them Now? 

Victims are often left feeling helpless or unsure of what to do next. You can find out if any steps have been taken and their current priority. Some questions you can use are: 

• “How can I help you now?” 

• “Have you contacted your bank?”  

• “Do you need me to accompany you to make a report?” 

If they’re open to it, you could guide them through the steps of: 

• Reporting the scam on ScamShield or the Singapore Police Force

• Contacting their bank to secure their accounts 

• Reminding them to update their passwords to ensure account safety 

If they feel emotionally distressed, consider suggesting or practicing coping strategies with them. 

Ψ Mindfulness: The S.T.O.P Technique 

Victims often dwell on the past (how they were scammed) or worry about the future (what to do next). This technique helps them focus on the present: 

S - “Stop what we are doing for a moment.” 

T - “Take deep, mindful breaths together.” 

O - “Observe your thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations (e.g., tension in the shoulder, chest tightness).” 

P - “Proceed with what we can do next (e.g., address emotions, take practical steps or plan for the future etc.)” 

Ψ Journaling 

Encourage them to journal as a way to externalise their thoughts and process their emotions. They might start by acknowledging their experience, such as “I have been scammed, and I feel angry”. They can then write about what’s on their mind and reflect on questions like, “What would I say to a friend who went through this?” and “How can I be kinder to myself?” 

Ψ Guide Them to Professional Help 

Continue to check-in regularly to see how they’re coping. If the emotional or financial aftermath feels too overwhelming, suggest seeking professional support. For financial concerns, finding a support group with individuals in similar situations can provide a sense of solidarity. By doing so, it is a sign of strength and a journey towards recovery. 

For emotional and psychological concerns, if self-help strategies don’t seem to be enough, it might be better to seek professional help from a psychologist or counsellor. These professionals can help them process any trauma or distress caused by the scam and offer tools to rebuild confidence, manage anxiety, and navigate the healing process.  

For a deeper understanding of how to navigate this phase, they can explore more resources on How to Cope with Being Scammed (link).  

Don’t Forget About Yourself 

Supporting a loved one after they’ve been scammed can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to shoulder the burden alone. Scammers exploit emotions, and the responsibility for their actions is not yours to bear. If the situation feels too heavy, lean on someone you trust—a friend, family member, or professional to process your feelings of frustration, anxiety, or helplessness. 

By prioritising your well-being, you’ll be in a better position to support your loved one. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. 

Video link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOPz4_ryviE  

10 Habits of People Living with C-PTSD

As a form of protection to themselves, they may practice the following habits to cope.  

1. Isolating Themselves  

Withdrawing from others gives them a sense of safety and security. Avoiding people, objects or situations that remind them of the traumatic event and trigger painful memories prevents them from feeling anxious. 

2. Emotional Detachment  

In addition to physical isolation, they may also emotionally detach themselves from others. This detachment helps them avoid questions or conversations from concerned well-wishers, families and friends that could unintentionally result in them revisiting the traumatic experience. 

3. Over-accommodating Others 

When interaction with others is unavoidable, those with C-PTSD may exhibit a tendency to people-please. They prioritise others needs over their own, going out of their way to ensure that others are cared for – often at the expense of their own well-being. 

4. Hyperarousal or “Always being on-guard” 

Those with C-PTSD often experience hyperarousal, which is a heightened state of alertness. They may constantly feel a sense of threat, so they stay ready to fight or flee at any moment. Even minor occurrences such as a sudden noise or movement could startle them.  

5. Sleep Difficulties 

Being in a constant state of vigilance or “fight-or-flight” mode can cause sleep interferences as the body struggles to calm its nervous system. Many struggle with falling or staying asleep and may feel perpetually tired as a result.  

6. Suppressing Emotions 

Not only do persons with C-PTSD avoid expressing their emotions, but they may also actively try and block out their emotions. This acts as a defense mechanism, preventing themselves from having to relive the experience.  

7. Irritability and Emotional Reactivity 

Persons with C-PTSD may experience heightened anxiety levels and feel irritable, causing them to lash out at others. These feelings of anxiety can be very distressing, and so additional stressors, however small they may seem, can cause one to feel angry or unpleasant. Constant irritableness can also impact interpersonal relationships, resulting in challenges in establishing and maintaining healthy connections with others.  

8. Persistent Self-Doubt 

Experiencing prolonged trauma – especially in situations where they were unable to protect or advocate for themselves – can cause individuals to lose trust in their own judgement. This self-doubt can be deeply rooted, leading them to question their abilities, decisions and worth.

9. Self-destructive behaviours 

To cope with feelings of anxiety or escape distressing and intrusive thoughts, some persons with C-PTSD may turn to harmful coping strategies such as substance use or self-harm. While these behaviours offer temporary relief, they often exacerbate the emotional pain in the long term. 

10. Overworking as a Distraction 

Often deemed as workaholics, those with C-PTSD may get into the habit of overworking themselves to distract themselves from their trauma. While this may seem productive, working excessively can become a form of avoidance, preventing them from processing their emotional experiences, putting them at risk of burnout. 

These behaviours are common coping mechanisms exhibited by persons suffering from C-PTSD. While they may help individuals get through the day, they do not directly address the root causes of C-PTSD. If you or a loved one are struggling with any of these patterns, support from a mental health professional can be a crucial step toward healing and long-term recovery.   

Women’s Emotional Concerns

This is an overgeneralisation to say the least. How emotional “should” we really be?  

In the 19th century, doctors removed uteruses to treat “hysteria”, a so-called “female-problem.” But, surprise! Here in the 21st century, we have found out that men are just as emotional as women: in fact, men and women experience similar emotional fluctuations.  

Society tends to be more accepting of women expressing emotions compared to men. As a result of these gender norms, women may have more opportunities to develop emotional awareness through lived experiences.  

With multiple roles and identities in our daily lives, women are often weighed against the expectations of culture and society. As a result, we experience a whole range of emotions, which sometimes become too much to manage. When we feel like we’re losing control, we may start to experience emotional distress.  

What emotional challenges are commonly experienced by women?  

Ψ Biological 

There are many biological reasons we feel heightened emotions. Most of them relate to hormonal changes that occur in different stages of our lives. Since puberty, we experience the menstrual cycle. It prepares our bodies for pregnancy, and eventually ends with menopause. 

The key “female hormones”, oestrogen and progesterone, ebb and flow according to these processes. Associated with other hormones like cortisol and adrenaline (the stress hormones), they cause us to feel changes in energy and mood. 

In addition to mood changes, we often endure pain and discomfort from these biological processes. Balancing these with our roles and responsibilities can make coping challenging. 

Ψ Psychosocial 

You are a woman: a daughter, a mother, a wife, an employee, a caregiver...  

Women often find ourselves juggling multiple roles.  

Juggling these roles can become a major source of stress for women, since it involves managing relationships. How do we meet both society’s expectations and our own for every role we play?  

How we cope with these challenges depend on our personality traits and experiences, which influences our emotional responses. When we struggle to cope, we could experience burnout or overwhelm. This puts us at an increased risk of mental health conditions depression and anxiety. 

Here are some examples of psychosocial stressors women face: 

• Reproductive and sexual health 

• Work-life balance 

• Gender discrimination 

• Body image and self-esteem issues 

• Relationship issues (parenting, partners and family dynamics) 

• Mental health conditions 

Coping with women’s emotional concerns 

There are many ways we can explore our emotions and the concerns that come along with them. Consider giving some of these strategies a try! 

• Build self-esteem through Positive Self-Talk 

• Try Stress Management Strategies 

• Practice self-care through Mindfulness  

Feeling lost? Let us assure you: you’re not alone. The empathy we women can provide each other with can create a safe and supportive community for us to lean on. By showing our compassion and harnessing our unique strengths, we can navigate challenging emotional concerns. 

For specialised help, contact our experienced Women’s Health Psychologists. We are ready to support you through the exciting journey of womanhood.  

Disordered Eating

An “eating disorder” is a clinical diagnosis, with specific criteria for conditions like anorexia or bulimia. On the other hand, “disordered eating” refers to unhealthy eating behaviours or patterns that don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder. 

Someone with disordered eating may not have an eating disorder, but people with eating disorders often exhibit disordered eating behaviours. Disordered eating is quite common and can often go unnoticed, as it may show up in small actions you might do daily without realising.  

How do I know if I have a disordered eating and not an eating disorder? 

Disordered eating can fly under the radar because its signs are usually more subtle. In contrast, eating disorders are generally more severe and easier to spot. For more information, read more about eating disorders here. 

But when it comes to disordered eating, here are a few behaviours to take note of: 

• Eating when stressed or for comfort 

• Eating when not hungry or not for nourishment 

• Following restrictive diets 

• Fasting for extended periods (more than 24 hours) 

• Regularly skipping meals 

• Episodes of binge eating 

• Using diet pills to control weight 

• Misusing diuretics, laxatives, or enemas 

• Feeling guilty after eating or for eating certain foods 

If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to reflect on our relationship with food.  

Disordered Eating vs Eating Disorder: A Summary 

Here’s a short summary of the differences between disordered eating and eating disorders: 

There is no single, perfect guideline on what constitutes “normal eating”. Each of our bodies is different, and healthy eating is about nourishing our body in a balanced and flexible way. Not overly restrictive, preoccupied, or obsessed (binging, excessive calorie counting). Eat when hungry and stop when satiated. Whether it’s 3 regular meals a day, or smaller portions but more frequent, our food intake should have all the necessary nutrients our body needs. 

Disordered Eating and Mental Health: The Connection 

While disordered eating might seem less severe than an eating disorder, it can still impact both physical and mental health over time. Disordered eating often stems from emotional reasons, particularly to cope with distress. This distress may come from feeling heightened stress in our lives, or anxiety about our weight, health or appearance. 

For example, finding ourselves rummaging through the office pantry right after lunch because we’re feeling stressed or skipping dinner because we’re already full from snacks, telling ourselves, "I need to lose weight.”  

Soon after, feelings of regret and guilt may arise, whether from eating or restricting food. This can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, or feeling unsatiated, prompting behaviours like skipping meals or overeating. This cycle of stress, eating, guilt, and restriction can create a pattern that’s hard to break. 

If you notice these signs, it might be time to check in on your emotional needs.  

Okay, I think... I might have it. So, what should I do now to stop it? 

The key is to start from within. Addressing disordered eating isn't just about changing eating habits – it's also about understanding the emotional and mental factors that drive these behaviours. Here are some steps you can take: 

1. Gather knowledge and check in with yourself often  

Start by learning the signs of disordered eating and eating disorders, just like you’re doing now! Recognising these patterns early can help you catch them before they become more ingrained.   

Mindfulness plays a big role here. Stay grounded and present and be aware of your emotions and physical cues. Eat when you’re hungry and try to differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger.   

2. Try alternative coping mechanisms 

If you’re using food to deal with emotions like stress or sadness, or even binge eating when you’re feeling happy, try adopting healthier ways to manage your emotions and eating, such as: 

• Exercise: Physical activity can help relieve stress and improve mood. 

• Creative hobbies: Engage in activities like painting, writing, or crafting to channel your emotions in a productive way. 

• Heathy snacks: Opt for nutritious options like fruits.  

3. Avoid fad diets 

Fad diets often promise quick results but can harm your body and disrupt healthy eating habits. Focused on balanced, long-term changes (choosing healthier options, or preparing your own meals) instead of drastic restrictions that can lead to disordered eating behaviours. 

4. Self-positive encouragement 

Celebrate small victories! Even the tiniest steps toward healthier behaviours deserve recognition. Use positive self-talk to motivate yourself. You could say things like: 

• “Good job to me! I didn’t overeat, even though I loved the food!” 

• “I made it! I didn’t skip any meals this week!” 

Sometimes, enjoying a good meal can be a form of celebration – just remember to enjoy it in the right portion and be aware of when you feel satiated.  

What is the right portion? 

There’s a Chinese saying, “qi (7) fen bao, gang gang hao,” which means “eat until you’re 70% full.” This could be the balanced portion your body needs.

5. Set realistic goals 

Don’t expect to change everything overnight. Set achievable, small goals that focus on improving your relationship with food and your body. This could be as simple as: 

• Eating 3 regular meals per day 

• Reducing emotional eating from 5 times a week to 3 times 

Lastly, if you’re struggling to manage disordered eating on your own, reaching out for professional support is a great next step. Therapists, dietitians, or counsellors specialising in eating behaviours can guide you toward healthier coping strategies and a balanced relationship with food. 

Fertility, IVF, and Egg freezing

The clock ticks 

We’ve graduated from school at last! With energy abundant, we hit the ground running. We’re eager and zealous to take on the world, to explore its beauty, to pursue our hobbies, and to carve a name for ourselves in our careers! The world is truly our oyster! 

Yet, in a seemingly cruel twist of fate, this moment is also the most conducive period to conceive a child as our fertility is at its peak. If we choose to sprint ahead with other pursuits, time waits for no man and marches on mercilessly. For most of us, fertility begins to decline at approximately 32 years of age. This means that the chances of pregnancy get lower as we age. Additionally, there is also a higher risk of complications when getting pregnant later in life, which poses health risks to our child and ourselves.  

As time ticks on, the pressure to decide between motherhood and our other pursuits rises steadily. We are bombarded with unending questions of when we plan to have kids, “friendly” reminders of our age, and have to contend with our own desires to make sure that our kids will be born healthy. Over time, it can be very stressful and distressing.  

Assistance 

Thankfully, there are a few methods available to us if we wish to have both pursuits and motherhood!  

The first would be IVF (in vitro fertilisation). IVF can help boost fertility and chance of pregnancy, and this is done by fertilising our eggs with our partner’s sperm in a laboratory and then replacing the eggs back into our wombs.  

The other option would be EEF (elective egg freezing).  EEF can help preserve fertility by freezing and storing our younger and healthier eggs.  

With these two methods, we have the options to preserve or boost our fertility so that we can enjoy other pursuits in our youths! 

 How do I decide? 

1. Radical acceptance 

   It’s stressful to face our biological clocks. It’s frustrating to be bombarded with questions. It might feel unfair that we need to pause our other pursuits for motherhood. We hear you. These are all natural and very valid feelings to have. But holding on to such feelings can quickly tire us out, and we could already use more sleep as is!  

   Instead, let’s try to make the conscious effort to acknowledge our emotions and the reality of the situation. Acceptance would not lessen our stress or frustration, but it could afford us the energy to move forward, to make and stick with our decisions. 

2. Challenging thoughts 

   Societal and cultural expectations can be harsh, and we may worry about how our decisions may be perceived: 

   • “Am I selfish for pursuing my career/hobby?” 

   • “Will others think less of me if I use these technologies?” 

   • “Am I a terrible mother?” 

   These unhelpful thoughts hurt us and may not actually be true. So, what can we do about them? Well, we can try to recognise these thoughts when they do happen and challenge them by asking ourselves the following questions: 

   • What would we say to a friend who is going through the same situation? 

   • Is there evidence that supports these thoughts? 

   • What about evidence that contradicts these thoughts? 

3. Seek support 

Our loved ones and friends know us well and this could be a great opportunity to check in with them. Let’s try to share about our worries, receive their support, and to hear their opinions and thoughts on the matter.  

We could also consider booking an appointment with a health professional to find out more about fertility, the available options, and any possible side effects. That way, we empower ourselves to make a more informed decision in the future. 

Our body 

It’s not easy being a woman, so let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s remember that it’s our body and our choice as to whether we wish to have children earlier, later, or not at all.   

Breast & Ovarian Cancer

The shock of the diagnosis. The uncertainty of treatment, results or mortality. The feeling of everything being out of our control.  

But first… 

What is Breast Cancer? 

A kind of cancer that begins as a growth of cells in the breast tissue. Abnormal breast cells grow out of control and form tumours.  

Breast cancer usually occurs in older women above 50 but can also affect men and younger women. In Singapore, breast cancer is the most commonly occurring cancer among women, accounting for 29.7% of all cancers diagnosed in females. 

What is Ovarian Cancer? 

It occurs when abnormal cells in ovaries or fallopian tubes grow and multiply out of control. It may originate from the ovary or more commonly from nearby structures such as fallopian tubes or the inner lining of the abdomen.  

Ovarian cancer usually occurs in older women above 60 who are in the menopausal stage but can also affect younger women. In Singapore, ovarian cancer was 4.4% of all cancers diagnosed in women from 2016-2020. It is the 5th most common cancer in Singaporean women. 

Mental Health Challenges 

Here are the moments that women may struggle the most in the cancer journey:  

6. Awaiting follow-up results  

• Waiting for the outcomes of follow-up tests 

7. Survivorship phase (Life after diagnosis or treatment) 

• Persistent guilt (about family, children, responsibilities) 

• Fear of recurrence 

• Diminished self-esteem 

• Problems with social acceptance and body image 

• Difficulty in re-entry into previous life 

• Perceived and actual loss of employment and insurance discrimination 

• Concerns about infertility 

8. Symptom recurrence 

9. Facing end of life 

As treatment goes on, distress heightens (with all the physical and social impacts too). It is then no surprise that these can culminate into anxiety, depression, PTSD, or other conditions. 

1. Before diagnosis  

• Noticing a concerning symptom  

• Anxiously awaiting test results 

2. Initial diagnosis  

• Receiving the news of the diagnosis for the first time 

3. Anticipating treatment 

• Waiting to learn about the recommended treatment plan  

4. Leaving the hospital  

5. Completion or adjustment of treatment  

• Fear of finishing a treatment course   

• Adapting to a change in the plan 

How to Cope, Psychologically 

Receiving a diagnosis is never easy. The shock and distress can be overwhelming, and we might not know how to cope with such complicated emotions and thoughts.  

Yet, how we feel, think and cope with the diagnosis and treatment can greatly affect our physical health, treatment progress, adherence and recovery. So let’s take time to prioritise ourselves – physically and mentally.

Here are some ways to cope better: 

1. Find your support pillars 

Lean on those trusted friends and family, they tend to be the reasons we keep going even in tough times. 

Many have also gone through the same journey, and we do not need to fight cancer alone. Consider the links below to find communities of like-minded individuals who may share the same struggles as you:  

• Singapore Cancer Society 

• Women’s Emotional Health Service (WEHS) 

• BCF Support Groups (for breast cancer) 

• Cancer online resource library  

  2. Look back within 

How are you feeling? What emotions can you pinpoint exists? Was it fear, anxiety, shock, anger, regret, or hopelessness?  

What about your thoughts about this journey – from diagnosis to treatment? What do your thoughts tell you about… 

• Cherished things and people 

• Personal hopes and dreams 

3. Stay engaged, moment-to-moment 

We know we bring up mindfulness often, but bear with us. When time seems limited and more precious than ever, we often want to capture and “stay” in the moments we cherish the most.  

This speaks to a part of us that wants more presence, and connection to what is going on around us. To do so, we need pause, observe and engage.  

Here’s our guide to being more mindful (general tips are at the bottom of the article). 

4. Show kindness to yourself 

Your pain and suffering is valid. Your feelings are valid. The journey is not easy, and there is little that others can do to make it easier on us.  

 Yet, how do we respond to our pain and emotions? What our pain and emotions often need is soothing. Like a mother soothing a child in pain, aim to soothe the pain and emotions within you. Here are some ways to soothe and be kind to yourself: 

• Cry it out 

• Calming music or smells  

• Visualise a place that is calming to you  

  • Sunsets, starry night sky, pet café, comforts of a bed or bath 

  • Focus on your 5 senses  

• Repeat personal mantras  

  • “I can do this” 

  • “I got this” 

  • “Take it easy” 

  • “This will pass” 

People differ in how they cope with difficult emotions and painful situations. There is no “best” method here, so find ways that you are comfortable with and personalise your recovery journey in your own way.  

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle 

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs): Understanding and Thriving with Sensitivity

In today’s modern society, we recognise that being highly sensitive is not a weakness but a unique strength. If you’ve ever been told you’re "too sensitive" or find yourself overwhelmed in certain situations, you might identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In this article, we’ll explore the traits, challenges, and strengths of HSPs, along with practical strategies and how therapy can help. 

If you’re looking to understand high sensitivity and how it relates to mental health, emotional well-being, and stress management, you’re in the right place.  

What Is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?

A Highly Sensitive Person is someone who experiences heightened sensitivity to physical, emotional, and social stimuli. It’s not classified as a mental disorder but a personality trait that shapes how individuals process their experiences.

This personality trait, known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), was first described by Dr. Elaine Aron. It is thought that around 15-20% of the population are HSPs.

Traits of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

HSPs have unique qualities that distinguish them:

• Deep Emotional Processing: HSPs think and feel deeply about their life experiences.

• Heightened Empathy: They often pick up on the emotions of others with great accuracy.

• Awareness of Subtleties: HSPs notice small details in their surroundings.

• Overstimulation: They can feel overwhelmed in loud, crowded, or chaotic environments.

These traits often overlap with topics like emotional sensitivity in relationships, managing overwhelm, and mental health coping strategies. 

Strengths of Being Highly Sensitive

Sensitivity can be a powerful asset. HSPs often excel in: 

• Creative Expression: Many HSPs are highly artistic and innovative. 

• Emotional Intelligence: Their empathy helps them build meaningful relationships. 

• Attention to Detail: Their awareness of subtleties makes them exceptional problem-solvers. 

• Connection with Nature: HSPs often find peace and inspiration in natural settings. 

What Challenges do Highly Sensitive Persons Face?

Highly Sensitive Persons face unique challenges due to their heightened sensitivity to a combination of emotional, physical, and social stimuli. They often experience overstimulation in chaotic or noisy environments, emotional exhaustion from deeply processing their own and others’ feelings, and sensitivity to criticism, which can impact self-esteem. HSPs may struggle with setting boundaries, avoiding conflict, and balancing their need for rest with social obligations, leaving them prone to stress, burnout, or anxiety. They are also more likely to feel misunderstood or invalidated in a world that often prioritises resilience over sensitivity.

• Overstimulation and Burnout: Crowded spaces or busy environments can be draining.

• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Many HSPs struggle to say no, leading to exhaustion.

• Sensitivity to Criticism: HSPs can feel deeply hurt by negative feedback.

• Stress and Anxiety: Their heightened emotional reactivity makes them more vulnerable to stress.

Misconceptions About HSPs

Sensitivity is often misunderstood, and it’s important to address some of the common misconceptions surrounding Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). First, sensitivity does not equate to weakness; it is a natural personality trait that can be a source of great strength when understood and embraced. Additionally, not all HSPs are shy. In fact, research suggests that approximately 30% of HSPs are extroverted.

Lastly, high sensitivity is not a mental health disorder but rather a distinct personality trait that shapes how individuals process the world around them. Recognising these distinctions is essential for promoting mental health education and fostering greater self-awareness, empowering HSPs to embrace their unique characteristics.

How Highly Sensitive Persons Can Thrive

With the right strategies, HSPs can live fulfilling and enriching lives. Consider:

• Self-Care Practices: Create downtime for recharging, practice mindfulness, and design a sensory-friendly space.

• Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no without guilt and prioritise your needs.

• Stress Reduction Techniques: Engage in calming activities like yoga, meditation, or time in nature.

• Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect your sensitivity.

How Therapy Supports Highly Sensitive Persons

If you feel that you have traits of sensitivity that are affecting your daily life, you may want to consider seeking professional help. Psychologists can help HSPs explore their sensitivities and build resilience. Our services include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Manage overwhelming thoughts and emotions effectively.

• Emotion Regulation Therapy: Develop tools to handle intense feelings.

• Assertiveness Training: Build confidence in setting boundaries.

• Psychoeducation: Understand your sensitivity and how to leverage it as a strength.

Supporting Highly Sensitive Children

Children can also be highly sensitive.

As parents, it is important to understand our child’s unique temperament and how to nurture them. Highly sensitive children thrive in environments that are safe, structured and predictable. Encouraging verbal and emotional expressions is another powerful way to support their development, as it allows them to communicate their needs in a meaningful and non-destructive or oppositional manner. Equally important is ensuring that we provide ample opportunity for rest and quiet time to recover from overstimulation.

These strategies form the foundation for effective parenting approaches for sensitive children and can be complemented by child therapy to enhance emotional regulation and resilience.

Celebrating Sensitivity 

At Annabelle Psychology, we believe sensitivity is a gift that enhances your ability to connect, create, and contribute meaningfully to the world. By embracing your sensitivity, you can unlock your full potential. Whether you’re navigating the challenges of high sensitivity or seeking guidance to thrive, our team is here to help. 

Self-Regulation for Different Attachment Styles

It's common to hear people attributing their struggles with relationships to attachment styles developed in childhood. However, despite its influence on relationship formation in adulthood, attachment style is not a fixed trait. This means that someone who developed attachment style A in early childhood could possibly grow up to have style B in adulthood. 

Type of Attachment Styles

Researchers in this area generally agree that they are 4 attachment styles in the adult context.

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style are able to form stable and close relationships with others. They are also able to maintain a good balance between being independent and showing dependency on another person. 

Avoidant Attachment 

• Individuals with this attachment style may seem detached or uninterested in forming close relationships. They display a strong sense of independence.  

Anxious Attachment 

• In contrast to individuals with an avoidant attachment style, those with an anxious attachment style often display a strong sense of dependency in a relationship. They usually crave intimacy and might appear demanding. 

Disorganised Attachment 

• This is a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Individuals with a disorganised attachment style often experience a conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of intimacy. They might appear to be unstable and unpredictable in a relationship. 

How to Self-Regulate for Each Attachment Style 

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style usually find it easy to regulate themselves, but during times of vulnerability, kindly refer to the tips suggested for other attachment styles and give them a try.  

Avoidant Attachment 

Ψ Challenging Your Thoughts 

• "I shouldn't get too close to him; he will soon leave me" might be an example of a thought that people with an avoidant attachment style usually encounter. Whenever this happens, identify the thought, acknowledge it, and then try to challenge it. Look for evidence that suggests otherwise. For example, find instances where someone actually stayed with you and supported you when you needed them. If you find it challenging to do this virtually in your mind, you can try writing them down in your journal and keep track of how accurate or inaccurate those thoughts are. 

Ψ Gradual Exposure 

• Repression of emotions is one common reaction for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They often find it uncomfortable to open up to others. One way to manage this is by taking one small step at a time. For instance, start by sharing something that is less emotionally intense or something you are relatively more comfortable sharing. 

• Apart from the emotional intensity, who you are sharing with is important as well. Reach out to someone you are more comfortable talking to, and consider sharing with them what you are expecting (e.g., just a listening ear or looking for suggestions) from the conversation. 

Ψ Communicate Openly 

• When you feel the need to take a break and have your personal space, communicate that openly. Let others know that you need to take a breather, and you will come back and talk about it when you are feeling better.  

Anxious Attachment 

Ψ Mindfulness Practice 

• The first step in self-regulation is recognising and identifying one's anxious thoughts. Mindfulness practice could be useful in this case, as constant mindfulness practice has been found to increase one's awareness of the self, the surroundings, and the present moment. 

• There are various mindfulness techniques available, and one simple technique that we are sharing here today is the “hand exercise”.  

  • Keep your palm at a comfortable distance from your face. In the next few minutes, try observing your hand as if you were an astronaut that just landed on a new planet.  

  • Notice the outline of the hand, the creases in your skin, your fingerprints, the lines that cut across your palm. 

  • Now, flip your hand over. Notice any scars or calluses. Notice how your knuckle turns white when you make a fist.  

  • Notice any judgements or thoughts you’re having. Simply acknowledge them as you bring your attention back to what’s physically in front of you. 

Ψ Reframing Your Thoughts 

• This is similar to challenging thoughts mentioned above, with one additional element, which is to “reframe” your thinking. For instance, when you notice the thought, “She’s not replying to my message; she must hate me”, how can it be reframed? 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be in the middle of a meeting”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be driving”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be resting and taking a break from her phone”.  

  • “She’s not replying to my message; it’s okay, she will reply when she wants to”.  

    These are some possible alternatives, and you can always come up with your own ones. The idea is to redirect or reframe our negative automatic thoughts, telling our minds that we don't know for sure that what's in our minds is absolutely right; we would like to consider other possible alternatives as well. 

Disorganised Attachment 

Individuals with a disorganised attachment style experience both avoidant and anxious thoughts. Practising a combination of different mentioned above could be helpful.  

Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards building healthier relationships and improving your emotional well-being. While these patterns may have been shaped during childhood, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and consistent effort, we can shift towards a more secure attachment style and develop stronger, more fulfilling connections with others.