OTHER DISORDERS

Low Sexual Desire in Men: Understanding MHSDD and What Can Help

Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (MHSDD)

*While this article focuses on men, low sexual desire can affect anyone, regardless of their gender.*
*Many of the experiences and strategies here may also resonate with gender-diverse individuals or partners of all genders.*

For many men, sex is assumed to be simple: you’re expected to want it and to always be ready for it.

But what happens when you don’t?

When desire fades, and you don’t know why.
When you’re not fantasising, not interested, not feeling it.
And worse, when shame or confusion keeps you from talking about it.

You’re not alone in this, and you’re not broken. But somewhere along the way, you may have been taught:

“Real men don’t have this problem.”
“There must be something wrong with me.”
“Maybe I’m just not attracted to my partner anymore.”
“If I admit this, I’ll be judged or laughed at.”

But struggling with desire doesn’t make you any less of a man.

Ψ What Is Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder?

Male Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (MHSDD) is defined as persistently low or absent sexual thoughts, fantasies, or interest in sex, lasting at least 6 months, and causing personal distress.

This isn’t about having a lower libido than your partner.
It’s not about being too tired on a Tuesday night.
And it’s not something that can be diagnosed just because you’re having less sex than you used to.

To meet the criteria for MHSDD:

Ψ Desire must be consistently low or absent.
Ψ It must cause distress or impact your wellbeing.
Ψ It must not be fully explained by another mental or physical condition (e.g., depression, medications, hormone imbalances).

Even without a diagnosis, the distress of being “not like yourself”, disconnected or unsure, deserves attention and support.

Also, if you identify as asexual and feel no distress about low or absent desire, that’s different. Asexuality is not something that needs to be "treated".

Ψ What Low Desire Can Look and Feel Like

Low sexual desire isn’t always obvious. You might:

Ψ Stop initiating sex, and not miss it
Ψ Feel anxious pressured, or avoidant when intimacy comes up
Ψ Turn down your partner, even when you feel emotionally close
Ψ Still pleasure yourself, but avoid partnered intimacy
Ψ Feel relieved when sex doesn’t happen
Ψ Compare things to how they used to be, and feel confused, ashamed, or guilty

Some men describe going through the motions without truly wanting sex. Others feel flat, avoidant, or even burdened by sexual expectations, both their partner’s and their own.

Ψ Why Does It Happen?

There’s no single reason. Sexual desire is complex, made up of biological, emotional, relational, and contextual factors. Below are just some of the possible contributors:

Ψ Depression, anxiety, or burnout
Ψ Low self-esteem or body image issues
Ψ Past trauma or sexual shame
Ψ Fear of performance, rejection, or not “measuring up”
Even if you love your partner and want to feel desire again, emotional strain can block the mental space needed for erotic connection.
Ψ Ongoing tension, unresolved conflicts
Ψ Feeling emotionally disconnected
Ψ Lack of attraction or sexual boredom
Ψ Different expectations or mismatched desires
Desire thrives in connection. When emotional safety breaks down, physical intimacy often follows.
Ψ Low testosterone
Ψ Endocrine issues (e.g., thyroid, prolactin)
Ψ Chronic illness or fatigue
Ψ Medication side effects (especially antidepressants)
These can reduce both drive and responsiveness to arousal, even in otherwise fulfilling relationships.
Ψ Cultural or religious messaging about sex
Ψ Expectations of desire like, “We should be having sex more often”
Ψ Shame about sexual fantasies or preferences
Ψ Scripts like “Men should always want sex” or “I have to feel desire to show love”
Internal conflict about sex can suppress desire, even if everything else “looks fine” on the outside

Ψ You Are Not Alone

It’s far more common than most people think.

Many go through it quietly because talking about it feels awkward, shameful, or even threatening to their identity. But this experience isn’t as rare as we might believe.

Studies suggest that up to 16% to 28% of older men and 6% of men across all ages experience persistently low sexual desire. Fewer than 2% report distress but that’s often because they’re too ashamed to say it out loud.

Help-seeking is low. But treatment outcomes, especially when the underlying cause is identified, can be excellent.

Ψ What Can Help

1. Notice and name the shift

Before jumping to solutions, begin with gentle reflection:

Ψ When did I first notice this change?
Ψ “What else was happening around that time?

Then, if and when you feel ready, put it into words:

Ψ “I’ve noticed I don’t feel interested in sex these days.”
Ψ “I still care about my partner, but something feels different in me.”

You don’t need a full explanation to begin understanding yourself. Naming what’s true in the moment is a powerful first step.

2. Talk to your partner when it feels safe

Open conversations can reduce shame, clarify misunderstandings, and create space for closeness beyond just sex.

Try: “I want to be close to you, but something’s changed. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’d like us to figure it out together.”

If conversations around sex often become tense or painful, that’s okay too. You might find it helpful to speak to a psychologist first to gain clarity or support before involving your partner directly.

3. Explore what might be affecting your desire

Desire is rarely just about sex. It often reflects how safe, connected, confident, or understood we feel.

Consider:

Ψ Are you feeling emotionally and mentally well?
Ψ Do you feel safe, understood, and desired in your relationship?
Ψ Are there unspoken sexual preferences, fantasies, or fears?
Ψ Are there values or beliefs about sex that feel restrictive or shame-inducing?

You don’t need to fix these all at once. Just noticing the emotional landscape can help you better understand where your desire has gone, and how to welcome it back, when you're ready.

4. Let go of the goal—rebuild connection through non-demand touch

When sex feels loaded or pressured, it can help to shift the focus entirely.

Try rebuilding intimacy through:

Ψ Gentle touch without expectations
Ψ Lying together in silence or holding each other
Ψ Massage, cuddling, or skin-to-skin contact with no performance attached

Reconnecting physically, without the goal of arousal or intercourse, helps ease anxiety and restore emotional closeness, especially if desire has started feeling like a demand instead of a choice.

5. Seek medical support if needed

Sometimes, physical factors play a role—like low testosterone, chronic stress, or medication side effects (especially antidepressants). A chat with a GP or urologist and a simple blood test can help rule these out.

If results come back “normal,” that doesn’t mean what you’re going through isn’t real. It simply means the cause might lie elsewhere, and that’s just as valid, and treatable.

6. Consider therapy

Sexual therapy, individual therapy, or couples counselling can help:

Ψ Address emotional or psychological barriers
Ψ Rebuild closeness and communication with your partner
Ψ Navigate mismatched desires without shame or blame
Ψ Develop realistic, flexible expectations of sexuality and intimacy

You don’t have to “have a disorder” to benefit from therapy. You just have to be curious about yourself, and ready to move toward feeling more whole.

Ψ Supporting One Another

Low sexual desire doesn’t just affect one person. It affects the relationship.

It can be difficult on both sides. One person might feel broken, ashamed, or guilty. The other might feel undesired, confused, or emotionally distanced.

But this isn’t a one-sided problem and it doesn’t need to be a one-sided solution.

Healing begins when both partners can talk openly, without blame or pressure. When both people feel safe enough to say, “This is hard for me, too. Can we figure it out together?”

The goal isn’t perfect desire. It’s mutual understanding, emotional closeness, and redefining intimacy in a way that works for both of you.