When someone you love breaks your trust & heart
Betrayal can hurt as badly as a physical wound. Do you allow the hurt feelings to hold you captive or put them behind you? How do you move past the hurt and begin to heal?
What is betrayal?
Betrayal comes in many forms. Not limited to infidelity, betrayal can include breaking promises, lying or withholding information, not prioritising a relationship, or disclosing information that was shared in confidence. It can be experienced by anyone, and is not exclusive to any gender.
Why does betrayal hurt so much?
Betrayal entails the violation of someone’s trust and confidence. When people enter a committed relationship, they agree to live by the core values of a relationship (e.g., trust, commitment, respect). When one partner breaks the bond of trust, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. It affects the betrayed partner’s self-esteem and makes them doubt their self-worth. It also leaves the betrayed partner feeling confused as they begin to doubt everything the betrayer has said and done. People who have been betrayed may find it difficult to trust people, which hinders them from forming meaningful relationships.
How do I cope with betrayal in a relationship?
Ψ Acknowledge the betrayal
The betrayal might have come as a shock to you. It is often difficult to wrap our minds around how and why a trusted confidante would betrayed you. However, to heal, you need to recognise and accept that the betrayal has happened. This does not mean that you are fine with it but as a stepping stone, you need to acknowledge that the act took place.
Ψ Name your emotions
Anger, sadness, disgust, insecurity, and loneliness — You might experience a whirlwind of emotions in the aftermath of a betrayal. These are legitimate feelings of betrayal. Do not deny or suppress them. Label these feelings. You may even want to write them down.
Ψ Spend time apart
Avoid the person physically and electronically, if possible. Taking time away will reduce the intensity of your negative emotions, placing you in a better position to rationally think and process what had happened. You should not feel pressured to make a decision in response to the betrayal.
An example of a thought journal to help you to better understand the links between your thoughts and feelings, and make sense of them
Ψ It’s ok to grieve
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship that you have lost. In some cases, you may also be grieving the future that you had imagined. During the recovery process, you may experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Note that this is not a linear process. You may find it helpful to journal your thoughts and what you felt are your losses.
Ψ Resist the temptation to retaliate
It is normal to feel the urge to get back at the person who betrayed you and make them suffer. Planning revenge will only delay your healing process, and prolong your pain.
Ψ Talk to a confidante
Emotional support from your loved ones will be crucial during this stressful time. Speak with someone whom you trust. If you are not comfortable, you need not share what happened. You can share your feelings and thoughts about the incident, or just seek companionship from your loved ones. It would be best to find someone who can stay neutral, and not add fuel to the fire.
Ψ Reflect on the relationship
Examine your relationship, and be realistic about it. Some issues might have existed in your relationship before the betrayal. Your relationship did not turn sour overnight. It would be a good time for you to figure out how much the relationship means to you to determine if you should salvage or end the relationship. After gaining insights into the problems, you could then think about how things need to change should you and your partner wish to continue the relationship.
Ψ Have a conversation with the person
When you feel ready, have a conversation with the person who betrayed you. Let the person know how their actions made you feel. To prevent the person from getting defensive, try to focus on the impact on you rather than what they did. One way would be to use the “I” statements which starts with “I”, e.g.., “I felt hurt and angry when you…”.
Allow the person to share their side of the story too so that you can understand how the betrayal came about. Note if they are trying to defend their actions or genuinely seeking forgiveness.
Ψ Try to forgive
See if you can forgive the betrayer. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the action; it is deciding to move past the hurt and move on with your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Feelings of resentment and bitterness from the lack of forgiveness will take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being.
If you wish to continue the relationship, forgiveness will be crucial to bring the relationship forward. You could let the person know that you have decided to forgive them but explain that it will take time for you.
Ψ Decide how to take the relationship forward
You have to decide if you want to forgive the person and rebuild the relationship, or end it for good. You may also consider a temporary separation as an option. Some considerations underlying this decision include:
Is the person a repeat offender?
Was it unintentional?
Does the person acknowledge the pain that they have inflicted on you?
Is the person genuinely remorseful?
Has the person accepted responsibility for their actions?
Ψ Be kind to yourself
You may feel somewhat responsible, and wonder what you might have done wrong. Do not blame yourself for the betrayal. The person has to take responsibility for their actions.
Forgive yourself for saying and doing things on the spur-of-the-moment when you discovered the betrayal.
Be patient with yourself. Recovering from the hurt is a tough journey. Do not rush yourself to move on. Engage in self-care activities such as eating well, getting enough sleep, and spending time doing things you enjoy.
Ψ Seek professional help
If you find yourself ruminating on the betrayal and hurt, or your behaviours have changed since the betrayal and they are impairing your daily life, seek guidance from a mental health professional. Professional help could also address the damage the betrayal has caused to your sense of identity, self-esteem, and sense of security. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you are dealing with romantic betrayal, you could speak with our marriage and family therapists (Ling Ling and Wendy) and our clinical psychologists who have experience working with couples who struggle with marriage and family difficulties (e.g., Yuka).
Moving past from the hurt of a betrayal is a painful and difficult journey. Some days may be tougher than the rest where you just wish to wallow in self-pity and wound the betrayer back. These responses and acute negative emotions are normal. The key is to remain kind to yourself and lean on your loved ones throughout this recovery process.