Client-Therapist Relationship
The client-therapist relationship is a special one.
For the therapist, the nature of each relationship is professional but for each individual client, highly personal and vulnerable.
Guided by the therapist, each client places him or herself into a vulnerable position where they truthfully bare their thoughts, feelings and emotions. The therapist must carve out an empathetic and nurturing space for each client to be frank yet safe. This process is part of what we call a therapeutic alliance – that special relationship between client and therapist where both parties work towards a common goal in therapy. For therapy to be effective, this therapeutic alliance must be empathetic, genuine, insightful, and judgment-free.
Unlike other personal relationships, the one we form with our psychologist is incredibly unique as it is a one-sided, time-sensitive relationship. The client shares deeply personal information, while the psychologist does not. A therapist might, under rare circumstances, engage in limited self-disclosure as deemed necessary or appropriate and only as part of a therapeutic purpose.
Professional Ethics in Psychology
Due to the professional nature of the relationship, there exists a power imbalance between a psychologist and client.
Unethical therapists might take advantage of the relationship dynamics and unduly influence their clients in impermissible ways. Such impermissible conduct include forming dual relationships, engaging in romantic or sexual intimacy with the client or their close relatives or significant others.
Psychologists are expected to adhere to a strict code of ethics set out by their professional organisations to ensure that these boundaries are respected.
If you feel like your psychologist is crossing any of these boundaries, it is important that you speak up.
Why do we fall in love with our therapist?
Often times, a client subconsciously projects their feelings and emotions onto their psychologist.
This is also known as transference, a phenomenon where the client experiences emotions, be it negative or positive, romantic or sexual, directed towards their psychologist. Transference is neither shameful nor uncommon, and actually occurs rather often in therapy!
Transference occurs when feelings towards another individual in the client’s life is misdirected towards the psychologist. In therapy, the psychologist processes transference with the client to allow the client to better understand the underlying causes for these emotions.
Countertransference may also be experienced in the other direction, which occurs when a psychologist becomes emotionally involved with their clients. Psychologists are trained to detect and manage countertransference, including referring clients to other psychologists if necessary.
Another reason why we might fall in love with our psychologist is the amount of time spent together in what might be described as an emotionally intimate setting. Therapy often occurs across several sessions regularly and frequently. Clients can often spend a large amount of time with their psychologist and have associated the time spent together as a safe space. The psychologist creates a welcoming and non-judgmental space for clients to freely share their thoughts and feelings in a warm and validating environment. This is to encourage the client to be open in sharing about the struggles they are having, which enhances the effectiveness of therapy. During therapy, the client talks about topics intimate to them, and while not necessarily romantic in nature, but deeply personal conversations that they might not disclose to others. This creates a bond with the psychologist that is intimate and can might be sometimes mistaken for a romantic connection.
What happens if I fall in love with my therapist?
Fret not, as mentioned earlier, this occurs far more often we think!
Firstly, if you suspect that you are having feelings towards your psychologist, it is important to examine those feelings and acknowledge them. Whenever you feel ready and comfortable, share your feelings with your psychologist. Acknowledging and sharing your feelings is part of and beneficial to the therapeutic process. As these feelings might be a product of transference, unpacking them with your psychologist might allow you to progress in therapy by discovering patterns about yourself, allowing you to progress further on your journey!
Your psychologist will set clear boundaries with you as guided by their code of ethics. Your psychologist is not permitted to reciprocate your feelings as they are not ethically appropriate within the boundaries of a healthy therapeutic relationship. They will also make a professional judgment if your feelings are affecting therapeutic progress and if a transfer to another psychologist is necessary. This is done in your best interest as your feelings might lead to subconscious biases or countertransference.
Ultimately, having feelings towards your psychologist is not necessarily a negative thing. It certainly is understandable if it occurs, and can even be beneficial to the client as well! After all, love is confusing but has the potential to make us better.