It's common to hear people attributing their struggles with relationships to attachment styles developed in childhood. However, despite its influence on relationship formation in adulthood, attachment style is not a fixed trait. This means that someone who developed attachment style A in early childhood could possibly grow up to have style B in adulthood.
Type of Attachment Styles
Researchers in this area generally agree that they are 4 attachment styles in the adult context.
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style are able to form stable and close relationships with others. They are also able to maintain a good balance between being independent and showing dependency on another person.
Avoidant Attachment
Individuals with this attachment style may seem detached or uninterested in forming close relationships. They display a strong sense of independence.
Anxious Attachment
In contrast to individuals with an avoidant attachment style, those with an anxious attachment style often display a strong sense of dependency in a relationship. They usually crave intimacy and might appear demanding.
Disorganised Attachment
This is a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Individuals with a disorganised attachment style often experience a conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of intimacy. They might appear to be unstable and unpredictable in a relationship.
How to Self-Regulate for Each Attachment Style
Secure Attachment
Individuals with a secure attachment style usually find it easy to regulate themselves, but during times of vulnerability, kindly refer to the tips suggested for other attachment styles and give them a try.
Avoidant Attachment
Ψ Challenging Your Thoughts
"I shouldn't get too close to him; he will soon leave me" might be an example of a thought that people with an avoidant attachment style usually encounter. Whenever this happens, identify the thought, acknowledge it, and then try to challenge it. Look for evidence that suggests otherwise. For example, find instances where someone actually stayed with you and supported you when you needed them. If you find it challenging to do this virtually in your mind, you can try writing them down in your journal and keep track of how accurate or inaccurate those thoughts are.
Ψ Gradual Exposure
Repression of emotions is one common reaction for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They often find it uncomfortable to open up to others. One way to manage this is by taking one small step at a time. For instance, start by sharing something that is less emotionally intense or something you are relatively more comfortable sharing.
Apart from the emotional intensity, who you are sharing with is important as well. Reach out to someone you are more comfortable talking to, and consider sharing with them what you are expecting (e.g., just a listening ear or looking for suggestions) from the conversation.
Ψ Communicate Openly
When you feel the need to take a break and have your personal space, communicate that openly. Let others know that you need to take a breather, and you will come back and talk about it when you are feeling better.
Anxious Attachment
Ψ Mindfulness Practice
The first step in self-regulation is recognising and identifying one's anxious thoughts. Mindfulness practice could be useful in this case, as constant mindfulness practice has been found to increase one's awareness of the self, the surroundings, and the present moment.
There are various mindfulness techniques available, and one simple technique that we are sharing here today is the “hand exercise”.
Keep your palm at a comfortable distance from your face. In the next few minutes, try observing your hand as if you were an astronaut that just landed on a new planet.
Notice the outline of the hand, the creases in your skin, your fingerprints, the lines that cut across your palm.
Now, flip your hand over. Notice any scars or calluses. Notice how your knuckle turns white when you make a fist.
Notice any judgements or thoughts you’re having. Simply acknowledge them as you bring your attention back to what’s physically in front of you.
Ψ Reframing Your Thoughts
This is similar to challenging thoughts mentioned above, with one additional element, which is to “reframe” your thinking. For instance, when you notice the thought, “She’s not replying to my message; she must hate me”, how can it be reframed?
“She’s not replying to my message; she might be in the middle of a meeting”.
“She’s not replying to my message; she might be driving”.
“She’s not replying to my message; she might be resting and taking a break from her phone”.
“She’s not replying to my message; it’s okay, she will reply when she wants to”.
These are some possible alternatives, and you can always come up with your own ones. The idea is to redirect or reframe our negative automatic thoughts, telling our minds that we don't know for sure that what's in our minds is absolutely right; we would like to consider other possible alternatives as well.
Disorganised Attachment
Individuals with a disorganised attachment style experience both avoidant and anxious thoughts. Practising a combination of different mentioned above could be helpful.
Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards building healthier relationships and improving your emotional well-being. While these patterns may have been shaped during childhood, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and consistent effort, we can shift towards a more secure attachment style and develop stronger, more fulfilling connections with others.