How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Identity & Relationships

The experiences we have in childhood, especially trauma or neglect, don’t just fade with time. Childhood trauma can shape adult identity, relationships, and emotional health. If you grew up in an unsafe, neglectful, or emotionally unpredictable environment, those early adaptations may still be with you. This is not because you’re broken, but because you found ways to survive. 

You might have told yourself or internalised messages that minimise or dismiss what we went through. This includes messages like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “You’re being too sensitive.” These are ways you try to make sense of pain that was not recognised or supported when it happened.  

The truth is that when we are young we do whatever we can to feel safe, loved or in control. The coping strategies we develop, even the ones that feel automatic now, began as responses to distress. They were not reflections of who we truly are. Over time, they can become deeply embedded in our sense of self.  

Whether you’ve living with these effects or trying to understand someone you care about, exploring how childhood trauma shapes adult identity is a powerful and compassionate step toward healing.  

How Childhood Trauma Shapes Coping and Identity 

When your environment as a child feels unpredictable or unsafe, you adapt quickly and quietly. These behaviours are instinctive and protective responses, not chosen. 

You might have: 

• Become hyper-independent to avoid relying on others 

• Taken on adult responsibilities far too soon 

• Learned to people-please to avoid conflict or keep the peace 

• Shut down emotionally to avoid being hurt  

At the time, these actions helped you get through and navigate your overwhelming world. But when coping with childhood trauma in adulthood, these same patterns can keep us disconnected or exhausted. What once protected us can begin to limit us.  

Childhood Trauma and the Loss of True Self 

In unsafe or emotionally unpredictable environments, it often feels unsafe to fully be yourself. You may have started to hide certain parts of who you are to avoid rejection or criticism. That might mean: 

• Hiding your emotions to avoid being punished or rejected 

• Being overly agreeable or invisible to keep others happy 

• Disconnecting from your own needs or preferences to avoid disappointment 

Without the freedom to explore and express who you truly are, parts of your personality can stay hidden or underdeveloped. Later in life, this might show up as feeling unsure of who you really are. You might struggle to make decisions or feel emotionally disconnected from yourself.  

A Distorted Sense of Self-Worth 

When love or safety felt conditional growing up, you may have come to believe that your worth needed to be earned. You might have looked to achievement or approval as ways to feel “good enough” causing an impact on identity. 

This can look like: 

• Tying your self-worth to success or how others perceive you 

• Struggling with chronic self-criticism or perfectionism 

• Feeling unworthy unless you are always achieving or doing  

As adults, you might push yourself relentlessly. Rest might bring guilt. Even small mistakes can feel intolerable. Slowing down or showing yourself kindness may feel unfamiliar or even impossible.  

Difficulty Regulating Emotions 

Children need consistent and supportive caregivers to help them learn how to manage strong emotions. If that support was not there, you may have grown up without the tools to appropriately handle emotional stress.  

This can show up in adulthood as: 

• Being easily overwhelmed or reactive 

• Feeling anxious or on edge much of the time 

• Shutting down emotionally or numbing out completely  

These emotional patterns often persist for years. The childhood emotional neglect and identity issues can impact your relationships and ability to cope with everyday challenges as an adult. 

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships 

When early relationships are unsafe or unpredictable, it can become difficult to trust others or feel secure in closeness. As adults, this might show up in many ways, such as: 

• Avoiding intimacy or finding it hard to stay emotionally present 

• Depending heavily on others for reassurance or identity 

• Struggling to respect or set healthy boundaries 

• Fearing abandonment or rejection, even in safe relationships  

Even when someone genuinely cares about you, it can feel hard to believe they are truly safe or reliable. These early relational wounds can continue to show up in both personal and professional relationships.  

Trauma May Shape You, But It Doesn’t Define You 

If these patterns sound familiar, know that you are not alone. Many of us who have experienced ongoing or repeated adversity in childhood go on to develop symptoms of Complex PTSD (c-PTSD). While these experiences may have shaped how we learned to cope, they don’t have to define who we become. With the right support, it’s possible to: 

• Understand and process the impact of trauma 

• Reconnect with the parts of yourself that were hidden 

• Build healthier relationships and boundaries 

• Strengthen your sense of identity and self-worth 

• Learn to manage strong emotions in healthy ways  

Trauma-informed therapies for adults, including Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and psychodynamic therapy can help you process childhood trauma and its impacts. A therapist trained in these approaches can help you process these experiences safely and gently at your own pace. They can help you move from surviving to living more fully.  

 Your early story shaped you, but it does not have to define your future. Your story is still unfolding and healing is possible. You don’t have to do it alone. 

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Ready to take the next step?  

If you’re coping with childhood trauma and its effects on adult identity or relationships, our therapists can help you heal. Our experienced, compassionate therapists can support you in working through past trauma and reconnecting with your true self. Get in touch for a confidential consultation.

We're here when you're ready.  

Supporting a Child with Incarcerated Parents

As such, it is imperative that these children be provided with well-rounded support so they can have the best possible developmental outcomes despite the challenges faced.

Here are some ways to support a child with an incarcerated parent

1. Visiting the incarcerated parent 

Most families endorse the idea that children should maintain contact with the incarcerated parent. Thus, if possible, support should be provided to facilitate communication between the parent and the child, allowing social ties to be maintained. This may take the form of:

Ψ Face to Face Visitations (link to Singapore Prisons Service)
Ψ Tele-Visitations

It is important that visitation takes place in a positive context (e.g., child-friendly, allowing physical contact between parent and child). Visitations that are “colder” and less welcoming tend to increase children’s distress instead. In cases where positive physical visitations are not viable, alternatives include letter-writing between the child and the incarcerated parent.  

2. Parenting Skills Training  

Providing incarcerated parents with training can also be helpful. Although there is no set curriculum for these training programs, most involve equipping parents with better parenting and communication skills. Parental training is most effective when combined with visitations and the opportunity for the incarcerated parent to practice what they have learnt. Undergoing such training has the added benefit of fostering a bond between the incarcerated parent and their family, as well as opens a channel for parental involvement.  

3. Mentoring 

Mentors can help alleviate the challenges associated with having an incarcerated parent by providing a mature figure whom children can trust, confide in, depend on, and learn from. Consequently, mentored children benefit both socially and emotionally (e.g., improved social skills and self-esteem), but the current evidence suggests that there is no academic benefit attached to mentoring programs. 

It is important to note that the effectiveness of mentoring programs is highly dependent on how well-matched the mentor and mentee are. Matching mentees with mentors can be a challenging process — one study showed that one-third of mentees dropped out of the program within half a year. A mentee who does not match well with the mentor is likely to drop out from the program and will therefore be less likely to reap the benefits from mentoring. Research concerning the effectiveness of mentoring programs for children of incarcerated parents is currently mixed.

In conclusion…

There are several methods to support a child with incarcerated parents. In Singapore, Kids in Play (KIP) by the Salvation Army and Friends of Children & Youth (FOCY) by Life Community Services Society provide supportive services for children with incarcerated parents. These support services use a mixture of the aforementioned methods.  

It is important to support children with incarcerated parents because these experiences and its associated challenges can have adverse effects on a child’s mental health. Without support, children face heightened risk of mental health outcomes, which may manifest in behavioural and emotional difficulties.

As an added bonus, visiting an incarcerated parent also helps the parent through their own journey in incarceration and improving rehabilitative outcomes!

The Depths of Codependency

While that seems like an over-exaggeration to some, the feelings and behaviours exhibited by someone who is codependent are very real. There’s some pervasive sense of responsibility, especially if someone is going through hardship, to the point where personal needs or self-identity just doesn’t matter.

Its Twisted Roots
The strongest root lies in our childhood familial environment. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, are more likely to develop codependency.

Some examples:

Ψ      A family member with chronic addiction or illness. A child is parentified, and grew accustomed to constantly sacrificing freedom, or interests, to care for their family member. “They won’t suffer if I give them my allowance. I’ll be fine.”

Ψ      Abuse. A child believes they are unworthy of love or deserve the punishment. “I need to do more, to get the love or care I wish for.”

Ψ      Domineering or controlling parents. High expectations and harsh punishments. “As long as the expectations are met, I can get approval, affection. Or I won’t be punished. It doesn’t matter what I feel!”

Its Warning Signs

Ψ      Purpose and self-image is tied to relationships with others

Ψ      Self-expression is difficult – needs, opinions, emotions

Ψ      Fear of separation, or abandonment

Ψ      Others’ opinions or approval is a need, not a “good to
have”

Ψ      “Their needs are more important, mine aren’t”

Ψ      “I’m doing all this to take care of them, to rescue them”
(cue need to control)  

The Battle Shields Against Codependency

Ψ      Knowledge: Ignorance is not bliss – recognising the signs and identifying it bears the foundation for everything else.

Ψ      Check: Thoughts, feelings, behaviours about yourself, and your relationship with others – have we lost ourselves in the process of giving away too much?

Ψ      Craft the blueprint: Think - how do we support others without losing ourselves? How much can we give without losing everything? What can we protect or enhance? Negotiate, but clarify what our loved ones need as well – it’s collaborative.

Ψ      Build the shield: It’s not going to be perfect and full-proof, and the first few times will always be rusty. But over time, we upgrade or learn how to do it better. Find what works for us, practice, fail, and learn again!

Humans are interdependent creatures. We can’t survive alone, but we don’t have to live for others as well. We each have our own needs and wants. Although interdependency is like a scale that can never be fully balanced or level, at the very least, it’s not all the rocks on one side.