Supporting a Child with Incarcerated Parents

As such, it is imperative that these children be provided with well-rounded support so they can have the best possible developmental outcomes despite the challenges faced.

Here are some ways to support a child with an incarcerated parent

1. Visiting the incarcerated parent 

Most families endorse the idea that children should maintain contact with the incarcerated parent. Thus, if possible, support should be provided to facilitate communication between the parent and the child, allowing social ties to be maintained. This may take the form of:

Ψ Face to Face Visitations (link to Singapore Prisons Service)
Ψ Tele-Visitations

It is important that visitation takes place in a positive context (e.g., child-friendly, allowing physical contact between parent and child). Visitations that are “colder” and less welcoming tend to increase children’s distress instead. In cases where positive physical visitations are not viable, alternatives include letter-writing between the child and the incarcerated parent.  

2. Parenting Skills Training  

Providing incarcerated parents with training can also be helpful. Although there is no set curriculum for these training programs, most involve equipping parents with better parenting and communication skills. Parental training is most effective when combined with visitations and the opportunity for the incarcerated parent to practice what they have learnt. Undergoing such training has the added benefit of fostering a bond between the incarcerated parent and their family, as well as opens a channel for parental involvement.  

3. Mentoring 

Mentors can help alleviate the challenges associated with having an incarcerated parent by providing a mature figure whom children can trust, confide in, depend on, and learn from. Consequently, mentored children benefit both socially and emotionally (e.g., improved social skills and self-esteem), but the current evidence suggests that there is no academic benefit attached to mentoring programs. 

It is important to note that the effectiveness of mentoring programs is highly dependent on how well-matched the mentor and mentee are. Matching mentees with mentors can be a challenging process — one study showed that one-third of mentees dropped out of the program within half a year. A mentee who does not match well with the mentor is likely to drop out from the program and will therefore be less likely to reap the benefits from mentoring. Research concerning the effectiveness of mentoring programs for children of incarcerated parents is currently mixed.

In conclusion…

There are several methods to support a child with incarcerated parents. In Singapore, Kids in Play (KIP) by the Salvation Army and Friends of Children & Youth (FOCY) by Life Community Services Society provide supportive services for children with incarcerated parents. These support services use a mixture of the aforementioned methods.  

It is important to support children with incarcerated parents because these experiences and its associated challenges can have adverse effects on a child’s mental health. Without support, children face heightened risk of mental health outcomes, which may manifest in behavioural and emotional difficulties.

As an added bonus, visiting an incarcerated parent also helps the parent through their own journey in incarceration and improving rehabilitative outcomes!

The Depths of Codependency

While that seems like an over-exaggeration to some, the feelings and behaviours exhibited by someone who is codependent are very real. There’s some pervasive sense of responsibility, especially if someone is going through hardship, to the point where personal needs or self-identity just doesn’t matter.

Its Twisted Roots
The strongest root lies in our childhood familial environment. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, are more likely to develop codependency.

Some examples:

Ψ      A family member with chronic addiction or illness. A child is parentified, and grew accustomed to constantly sacrificing freedom, or interests, to care for their family member. “They won’t suffer if I give them my allowance. I’ll be fine.”

Ψ      Abuse. A child believes they are unworthy of love or deserve the punishment. “I need to do more, to get the love or care I wish for.”

Ψ      Domineering or controlling parents. High expectations and harsh punishments. “As long as the expectations are met, I can get approval, affection. Or I won’t be punished. It doesn’t matter what I feel!”

Its Warning Signs

Ψ      Purpose and self-image is tied to relationships with others

Ψ      Self-expression is difficult – needs, opinions, emotions

Ψ      Fear of separation, or abandonment

Ψ      Others’ opinions or approval is a need, not a “good to
have”

Ψ      “Their needs are more important, mine aren’t”

Ψ      “I’m doing all this to take care of them, to rescue them”
(cue need to control)  

The Battle Shields Against Codependency

Ψ      Knowledge: Ignorance is not bliss – recognising the signs and identifying it bears the foundation for everything else.

Ψ      Check: Thoughts, feelings, behaviours about yourself, and your relationship with others – have we lost ourselves in the process of giving away too much?

Ψ      Craft the blueprint: Think - how do we support others without losing ourselves? How much can we give without losing everything? What can we protect or enhance? Negotiate, but clarify what our loved ones need as well – it’s collaborative.

Ψ      Build the shield: It’s not going to be perfect and full-proof, and the first few times will always be rusty. But over time, we upgrade or learn how to do it better. Find what works for us, practice, fail, and learn again!

Humans are interdependent creatures. We can’t survive alone, but we don’t have to live for others as well. We each have our own needs and wants. Although interdependency is like a scale that can never be fully balanced or level, at the very least, it’s not all the rocks on one side.