Coping with Betrayal: Healing from Broken Trust

When someone you love breaks your trust & heart

Betrayal can hurt as badly as a physical wound. Do you allow the hurt feelings to hold you captive or put them behind you? How do you move past the hurt and begin to heal?

What is betrayal?

Betrayal comes in many forms. Not limited to infidelity, betrayal can include breaking promises, lying or withholding information, not prioritising a relationship, or disclosing information that was shared in confidence. It can be experienced by anyone, and is not exclusive to any gender. 

Why does betrayal hurt so much?

Betrayal entails the violation of someone’s trust and confidence. When people enter a committed relationship, they agree to live by the core values of a relationship (e.g., trust, commitment, respect). When one partner breaks the bond of trust, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. It affects the betrayed partner’s self-esteem and makes them doubt their self-worth. It also leaves the betrayed partner feeling confused as they begin to doubt everything the betrayer has said and done. People who have been betrayed may find it difficult to trust people, which hinders them from forming meaningful relationships.

How do I cope with betrayal in a relationship?

Ψ Acknowledge the betrayal

The betrayal might have come as a shock to you. It is often difficult to wrap our minds around how and why a trusted confidante would betrayed you. However, to heal, you need to recognise and accept that the betrayal has happened. This does not mean that you are fine with it but as a stepping stone, you need to acknowledge that the act took place. 

Ψ Name your emotions 

Anger, sadness, disgust, insecurity, and loneliness — You might experience a whirlwind of emotions in the aftermath of a betrayal. These are legitimate feelings of betrayal. Do not deny or suppress them. Label these feelings. You may even want to write them down. 

 Ψ Spend time apart 

Avoid the person physically and electronically, if possible. Taking time away will reduce the intensity of your negative emotions, placing you in a better position to rationally think and process what had happened. You should not feel pressured to make a decision in response to the betrayal.

Ψ It’s ok to grieve

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship that you have lost. In some cases, you may also be grieving the future that you had imagined. During the recovery process, you may experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Note that this is not a linear process. You may find it helpful to journal your thoughts and what you felt are your losses.

Ψ Resist the temptation to retaliate 

It is normal to feel the urge to get back at the person who betrayed you and make them suffer. Planning revenge will only delay your healing process, and prolong your pain. 

Ψ Talk to a confidante 

Emotional support from your loved ones will be crucial during this stressful time. Speak with someone whom you trust. If you are not comfortable, you need not share what happened. You can share your feelings and thoughts about the incident, or just seek companionship from your loved ones. It would be best to find someone who can stay neutral, and not add fuel to the fire. 

Ψ Reflect on the relationship  

Examine your relationship, and be realistic about it. Some issues might have existed in your relationship before the betrayal. Your relationship did not turn sour overnight. It would be a good time for you to figure out how much the relationship means to you to determine if you should salvage or end the relationship. After gaining insights into the problems, you could then think about how things need to change should you and your partner wish to continue the relationship.  

An example of a thought journal to help you to better understand the links between your thoughts and feelings, and make sense of them

Ψ Have a conversation with the person 

When you feel ready, have a conversation with the person who betrayed you. Let the person know how their actions made you feel. To prevent the person from getting defensive, try to focus on the impact on you rather than what they did. One way would be to use the “I” statements which starts with “I”, e.g.., “I felt hurt and angry when you…”. 

Allow the person to share their side of the story too so that you can understand how the betrayal came about. Note if they are trying to defend their actions or genuinely seeking forgiveness. 

Ψ Try to forgive 

See if you can forgive the betrayer. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the action; it is deciding to move past the hurt and move on with your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Feelings of resentment and bitterness from the lack of forgiveness will take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. 

If you wish to continue the relationship, forgiveness will be crucial to bring the relationship forward. You could let the person know that you have decided to forgive them but explain that it will take time for you.

Ψ Decide how to take the relationship forward 

You have to decide if you want to forgive the person and rebuild the relationship, or end it for good. You may also consider a temporary separation as an option. Some considerations underlying this decision include: 

  • Is the person a repeat offender? 

  • Was it unintentional? 

  • Does the person acknowledge the pain that they have inflicted on you? 

  • Is the person genuinely remorseful? 

  • Has the person accepted responsibility for their actions? 

 

Ψ Be kind to yourself 

You may feel somewhat responsible, and wonder what you might have done wrong. Do not blame yourself for the betrayal. The person has to take responsibility for their actions. 

Forgive yourself for saying and doing things on the spur-of-the-moment when you discovered the betrayal. 

Be patient with yourself. Recovering from the hurt is a tough journey. Do not rush yourself to move on. Engage in self-care activities such as eating well, getting enough sleep, and spending time doing things you enjoy. 

Ψ Seek professional help 

If you find yourself ruminating on the betrayal and hurt, or your behaviours have changed since the betrayal and they are impairing your daily life, seek guidance from a mental health professional. Professional help could also address the damage the betrayal has caused to your sense of identity, self-esteem, and sense of security. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.  

If you are dealing with romantic betrayal, you could speak with our marriage and family therapists (Ling Ling and Wendy) and our clinical psychologists who have experience working with couples who struggle with marriage and family difficulties (e.g., Yuka).  

Moving past from the hurt of a betrayal is a painful and difficult journey. Some days may be tougher than the rest where you just wish to wallow in self-pity and wound the betrayer back. These responses and acute negative emotions are normal. The key is to remain kind to yourself and lean on your loved ones throughout this recovery process.

Self-Love, Not Narcissism: A Guide to Inner Growth

Self-love, or even love itself, is hard to define. There is no universal definition, and we probably define and experience self-love differently. How you achieve self-love is also unique! One way to understand self-love is from a psychological standpoint, where self-love refers to an authentic appreciation for yourself.

Self-love vs. Narcissism: What is the Difference?

We generally associate narcissism with a significant level of perceived self-appreciation. While narcissistic tendencies are typically observed during interpersonal interactions, practising self-love can be a private and internal process that is unobservable to others. The primary goal with self-love is to develop a positive self-concept. Whereas with narcissism, the goal might be to gain external admiration or regard. Another defining feature of narcissism is the perceived lack of awareness or care for others’ thoughts and feelings. Comparatively, a person who is self-loving can still be caring and compassionate. 

How to Avoid Narcissism While Practicing Self-Love: The Mediating Role of Humility, Kindness and Forgiveness

To avoid becoming narcissistic, routinely remind yourself of personal core values like humility, kindness, or forgiveness. Additionally, keep in mind the type of person you aspire to be and aim to mould yourself into that person. Your values will help prevent any grandiosity or inflated self-esteem. 

You might not be aware of it, but you may already be practising some acts of self-love. These acts demonstrate a sincere appreciation or recognition for yourself or something you did. For example, patting yourself on the back when setting boundaries, forgiving yourself when you fail to accomplish a task or even just challenging thoughts of self-doubt.

Is self-love really necessary? When do I need to start incorporating self-love practices in my routine?

There are certain times in life when practising self-love could be an important coping strategy for your mental well-being. This is particularly so when your inner critic is being overly harsh, in need of a mood booster, or if you are struggling with your self-esteem. When your internal dialogue is critical and negative, practising some self-love could help lift your spirits.

Psychological tips on increasing self-love:

Ψ Identify unhelpful self-judgment

Unhelpful habits refer to excessive, unsustainable or even counterintuitive patterns of thought or behaviour. Some criticism is commonly believed to be motivation to work harder or do better, but it is imperative to stop yourself from going too far. Excessive or disproportionate criticism and self-judgement can pave the way to unhealthy cognitive distortions, or even lead to self-loathing.

The first step towards self-love is to recognise when you are being too self-critical. When you call yourself a failure, belittle yourself or beat yourself up over mistakes, catch yourself in these moments and just pause. Are you being too harsh on yourself? If your friend behaved similarly, would you feel the same way about them as you do about yourself now? Are you catastrophizing? Is the criticism an honest representation of who you are? These are some questions to ask yourself to combat self-judgment.

Ψ Mindfulness to foster self-love

Another alternative to hitting pause on self-criticism would be mindfulness. Practising mindfulness regularly could potentially change unforgiving internal dialogue to be more nonjudgmental and curious. Mindfulness teaches you to be more fully present at any given moment. It guides you in approaching your internal or external experiences with curiosity and openness. You learn to just notice, rather than react. For some guided mindfulness practices curated by our own psychologists, click here. 

Ψ Cultivating self-compassion for greater self-love

Can you truly love yourself without some self-compassion? The point here is not to debate which is more vital, but rather to emphasise the connection betwee self-compassion and self-love. When you are kind to yourself, you let go of shortcomings. You may not be truly appreciative, but you learn to accept and forgive failures rather than holding grudges with yourself. This is a step closer to growing appreciation for yourself, even if you cannot see it yet. Some common self-compassion practices to boost self-love include loving kindness practices, curated mantras with self-affirmations, guided meditation exercises and keeping a self-compassion journal.
 

Ψ Discovering your core values to enhance self-love

Learning more about yourself and the personal values that you cherish can increase some self-appreciation, especially when you behave or make decisions in line with your values. There are surveys online like the values in action (VIA) survey which can aid you in identifying your core values. Hence, discovering your core values can help to enhance self-appreciation.

Another way of learning your strengths or core values is to just ask your loved ones. Those who are closest to you may understand you more than you think, and you may discover sides of yourself you never knew existed.

Combating negative self-talk for better wellbeing

Knowing how to love ourselves and be appreciative can be hard, especially in competitive environments that constantly compare us to others. Overtime, we may have learnt to internalise words of those around us, even when they do not necessarily have our best interests at heart. To combat this, forming a healthy internal dialogue and relationship with ourselves is essential to support our well-being. Hopefully, the tips above would guide you and eventually lead you to develop some genuine self-love.

How to Practice Active Listening

How to Be A Good Listener

Are you really listening to someone?

Have your loved ones felt worse after sharing their experience with you? Or have you felt misunderstood and not heard by your loved ones after confiding in them?

These are common encounters and it is frustrating to not be able to help our loved ones feel better. So how can we prevent such situations and improve on our understanding of others? The answer is to practice active listening! 

What is active listening?

Active listening is a technique of listening and responding that encourages in-depth comprehension and enhances mutual understanding. It emphasizes the importance of both nonverbal and verbal behaviours, unconditional acceptance, and unbiased reflection of the speaker’s feelings and experiences.

Active listening is commonly used in situations such as during counselling, training, getting feedbacks, and solving disputes. It is also an important part of effective communication and building trusting relationships! 

The powerful benefits of being an active listener

1. Build trust and stronger bonds through active listening 

Knowing that they will not be judged or interrupted when sharing, people will feel safe and comfortable to confide in you. This is very important when it comes to building trust and relationships. And when you engage in more conversations and sharing with others, you will get to know the speaker more and form a stronger and closer bond together! 

2. How active listening resolves miscommunication issues  

Any miscomprehension of information can be corrected and processed to prevent further misunderstanding. When we ask questions, we are gathering the information we need to solve any communication problems. We will get to clarify the intentions and true feelings of others, which may have come across to us differently.   

3. The role of active listening in capturing and retaining key information 

Research has shown that we can remember conversations better when we are actively contributing to the conversation. Active learning allows us to listen and participate in the conversation such that we won’t miss out on important information and can remember them better.    

4. Emotional benefits of active listening 

Active listening creates a sense of emotional awareness that helps the speakers feel better as the listeners acknowledge their feelings. The neutral setting and non-judgemental environment also help the speakers to keep calm and not get defensive. This also prevents them from bottling up their emotions, which will only make them feel worse and result in more problems in the future.

Now that we know the importance and impact of active listening in our day-to-day interactions, it’s time to learn about the skills involved! 

Mastering active listening skills to become a better listener, for better communication 

Ψ Be Present In The Conversation 

  • Face the speaker with an open posture (e.g. arms and legs uncrossed) to show your interest in the conversation and that you are giving your full attention. 

  • Maintain eye contact to show respect to the speaker and that you are actively listening.  

  • Give small nods or a simple verbal comment (e.g. uh-huh/mm hmm) to encourage the speaker to continue sharing without being interruptive.  

  • Avoid turning your attention to surrounding factors and put aside distracting thoughts! 
     

Ψ Do not interrupt when the speaker is sharing 

  • Allow the speaker to finish talking before asking questions or responding. 

  • Do not prepare to counter with a rebuttal — we are not here to put down anyone or make counterarguments to determine who is right or wrong!  

  • Have a short wait time after the speaker spoke as it will sometimes prompt him/her to add on more details that he/she is reluctant or hesitate to share previously  

Ψ Be observant during conversations  

  • Observe the speaker’s body language — is he/she showing signs of nervousness or anxiety despite saying he/she is fine?   

  • Notice the tone of his/her voice.  

  • Listen between the lines — what does the speaker want, how does he/she truly feel? 

Ψ Clarifying questions 

  • Does the speaker want solutions or advice from us or simply just want us to empathize with him/her? 

  • This allows better understanding as our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear and understand.  

  • E.g. “I don’t understand what you meant by…”, “What do you mean when you said...”, “Would you prefer if I suggest solutions or just be a listening ear?”
     

Ψ Rephrase or summarise what you heard 

  • This will help you process and reflect on what you heard. 

  • The speaker can correct you if there is any misinterpretation. 

  • The speaker will feel heard and understood by you. 

  • E.g. “Am I right to say that...”, “….is that what you mean?”, “Sounds like you are saying...” 




Fun fact: Did you know that our short-term memory can only hold information for up to 30 seconds?

Therefore, we need to actively listen to one another to make sure there is no miscommunication and we can bring our message across accurately. It is also important to treat others in a way that you think they would appreciate or you would want them to treat you. It takes time and conscious effort to become a better listener, but with practice and love for your loved ones, you will definitely master active listening quickly! 

You may also wish to seek professional help with one of our experienced clinical psychologists together with your loved ones to have an in-depth discussion on how to improve your communication skills and forge stronger relationships! 

Setting Healthy Boundaries for Mental Wellbeing

Understanding Healthy Boundaries: What Are They and Why Are They Important?

Boundaries set intangible and tangible limits to life. Boundaries are essential yet often difficult to establish.  

“I don’t want conflicts, it’s just easier this way.” 

“Sigh, my boss asked me to OT out of nowhere, I already had plans, I wished he told me sooner.” 

“I only gave in to him (intimate partner) because I’m afraid he would think that I don’t love him otherwise.” 

Do these statements sound familiar?

Many times, we struggle to set boundaries in our daily lives in fear that it will cause unnecessary conflicts or it will make us look bad. As a result, we may face inconveniences; be it doing things out of our way or getting bullied into doing things we may not be 100% comfortable with.

This is fortunately very common and you’re not alone for the sole reason that we, humans, are social creatures. We place great value in the relationships around us, and sometimes in the process, may forgo ourselves and our own needs.

However, setting healthy boundaries are essential for our mental and physical health, because your needs matter too! Here are some steps to kickstart creating healthy boundaries in your life:

The Art of Enforcing Boundaries: Tips for Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Limits

1. Take a step back and think about what matters most to you 

Some questions to get the ball rolling: 

  1. What is important to you?  

  2. What are your values?  

  3. What are some things that make you uncomfortable?

  4. What are some things you have difficulty asking for?  

This helps you organize your thoughts and understand what you feel strongly for, what your values are, and what your priorities are. Doing so allows you to gain a clearer idea on what boundaries you would like to put in place.  

2. Be clear and precise when stating what matters to you 

You want to be heard and understood with clarity. Allowing others to first understand your boundaries will reduce misunderstandings, and stop the vicious cycle of constantly feeling like your boundaries are being violated. 

Here’s an example:

You may have a personal boundary of not wanting others to invade your personal space. When you fail to let this boundary be known, and get upset or angry when your personal space is being violated, others may misunderstand this as you being upset further violated your personal space with the intention to comfort you. This could result in you feeling more uncomfortable as your personal space is being violated. This can be avoided with the communication of your boundary. 

You may want to attempt this with those you’re most comfortable with, such as your partner, family members, or close friends. 

An example of being clear and precise when delivering your boundaries to others:  

 
 

3. Be assertive when stating your boundaries and follow through with the consequences you’ve stated should the boundary be violated 

Avoid engaging in the subsequent feelings of guilt or shame of that boundary, you may waiver in that situation. Not following through with the consequences you’ve stated will reduce the respect one has for the boundary you’ve stated. 

An example of delivering your boundaries assertively:  

 
 

In this case, if individual still proceeds with vulgarities, leave the conversation instead of continuing to engage in the conversation.

4. Don’t be sorry or afraid when asking for help, even with the possibility of rejection  

We tend to subconsciously start off a sentence with “I’m sorry but…” when asking for help. It is completely normal to ask for help, so be confident about it. Your needs are as important as other people’s needs. Asking for help does not mean you are incompetent, but rather, a task could simply require additional clarification or it could be out of your area of expertise - this happens to even the best of us.

However, there are times where help may not readily come your way when you need them. Respectfully accept the “no” just like how you would like your “no” to be respectfully accepted and find someone else who can help you.

5. Don’t be afraid to say “no” 

This may be difficult for some in fear of “looking bad” or “being viewed as lazy or not a team player”. However, as much it is important to help others, it should not be done at the expense of yourself. This is in not suggesting that you be selfish or self-centered, but to respect the boundaries of your personal time, personal capabilities, and what may be out of your control.   

Saying “no” can be done assertively yet respectfully.  

Examples of ways you can say “no” assertively yet respectfully:  

 
 

6. Be in charge of your own needs  

This will require you to understand what matters most to you. You know yourself best, including your needs. Avoid depending on others to meet your needs or to tell you what is best for you. Setting boundaries based on your own needs is in no way being selfish, but a form of self-love and self-care. Be fair to yourself and be mindful about putting yourself in avoidable situations that may end up being undesirable.   

Establishing clear healthy boundaries may be uncomfortable for some, but remember that your needs matter too. Start off with those closest to you to build your confidence! 

Is Instagram Therapy Enough for Real Mental Health?

Is it Therapy?

Is Instagram therapy enough?

It is important to first clarify is that “Instagram therapy” is not a form of psychotherapy. In fact, it is not “therapy” at all!

What is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy requires committed engagement with trained psychologists who utilise evidence-based techniques and approaches to investigate a mental health concern and work with the client collaboratively to reduce or minimise the impairment or impact of the mental health concern. Therapy must be specific and customised as no two persons are completely alike; we each have unique life experiences and circumstances.

Psychotherapy vs. Instagram Therapy

This means that the content or engagement published on Instagram or Facebook should not be regarded as therapy. At best, such content should be regarded as a type of psychoeducational content.

And as with all other kinds of purported educational content, we must think about how the content is delivered and whether they are credible or helpful.

According to the internet, there are roughly 1 billion users on Instagram, 1.2 billion users on Tik Tok, and 2.9 billion users on Facebook. Social media has become a ubiquitous medium for content consumption that can be harnessed for a good cause.

But not everything you read might be applicable or useful, or worse, true.

Navigating Instagram Therapy: Differentiating Psychoeducation from Professional Help

Many users of social media use these platforms to follow or create interesting content, advance personal or professional goals, or associate with like-minded people. It should come as no surprise that content creators want to create content that users want to consume, focusing on the usual metrics of increasing likes and followers or monetising their followers. There is a ton of mental health information that is shared online every day, often by self-proclaimed experts with little experience, research, or actual clinical practice, often with the aim of gaining followers or likes.

Over time, many come to rely on these celebrity psychologists for their ‘daily dose’ and mistaking that as a connection with the psychologist on some level, or worse, regarding that content as online or group therapy.

Some say that mental health channels on social media are like self-help books: addictive, unhelpful, and designed to keep you coming back for more.

It is against this backdrop that we should analyse mental health information that we consume on the Internet.

So when you next scroll through the pages of your favourite Instagram Therapists or Psychologists, please bear these in mind:

Ψ Is the content from a reliable source?
Ψ What are the factors motivating the content creator to produce this content?
Ψ Does this person spend more time on clinical practice or on social media?

Social Media Ethics in Mental Health

It is important to note that:

Ψ Social media is not a substitute for therapy.

  • Reading mental health information online can help you understand or learn something about yourself, but it is not a replacement for formal therapy.

Ψ No therapy can be done over social media.

  • While well-meaning psychologists might create content to psychoeducate the general public, others blindly produce or reproduce material to attract likes and followers with the intention of aggressively promoting their services.

Ψ Social media should not be relied upon during a crisis.

  • Mental health content should be viewed purely for what they are – generic, non-specific and informational in nature that serves a vital psychoeducational purpose within the community.

  • Because non-mental health professionals are very likely the target audience of such psychoeducational material, it must go without saying that psychologists and other mental health professionals should abide by regulatory, professional, and ethical guidelines when dispensing mental health information whether on online or during clinical practice.

Psychology on Social Media: A Tool for Destigmatizing Mental Health Issues

When presented responsibly, psychologists on social media help to break the stigma associated with mental health. They break down complex mental health conditions into digestible bite chunks for any person with a smart device to consume. They explain difficult psychological disorders and concepts with infographics, animation, and beautiful pictures. The amount of useful information that is put out by some of these professionals who have dedicated years of their lives to acquire their knowledge and expertise is staggering.

And of course, some are visually beautiful presented and simply a delight to consume.

Keep calm and scroll on!