How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Identity & Relationships

The experiences we have in childhood, especially trauma or neglect, don’t just fade with time. Childhood trauma can shape adult identity, relationships, and emotional health. If you grew up in an unsafe, neglectful, or emotionally unpredictable environment, those early adaptations may still be with you. This is not because you’re broken, but because you found ways to survive. 

You might have told yourself or internalised messages that minimise or dismiss what we went through. This includes messages like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “You’re being too sensitive.” These are ways you try to make sense of pain that was not recognised or supported when it happened.  

The truth is that when we are young we do whatever we can to feel safe, loved or in control. The coping strategies we develop, even the ones that feel automatic now, began as responses to distress. They were not reflections of who we truly are. Over time, they can become deeply embedded in our sense of self.  

Whether you’ve living with these effects or trying to understand someone you care about, exploring how childhood trauma shapes adult identity is a powerful and compassionate step toward healing.  

How Childhood Trauma Shapes Coping and Identity 

When your environment as a child feels unpredictable or unsafe, you adapt quickly and quietly. These behaviours are instinctive and protective responses, not chosen. 

You might have: 

• Become hyper-independent to avoid relying on others 

• Taken on adult responsibilities far too soon 

• Learned to people-please to avoid conflict or keep the peace 

• Shut down emotionally to avoid being hurt  

At the time, these actions helped you get through and navigate your overwhelming world. But when coping with childhood trauma in adulthood, these same patterns can keep us disconnected or exhausted. What once protected us can begin to limit us.  

Childhood Trauma and the Loss of True Self 

In unsafe or emotionally unpredictable environments, it often feels unsafe to fully be yourself. You may have started to hide certain parts of who you are to avoid rejection or criticism. That might mean: 

• Hiding your emotions to avoid being punished or rejected 

• Being overly agreeable or invisible to keep others happy 

• Disconnecting from your own needs or preferences to avoid disappointment 

Without the freedom to explore and express who you truly are, parts of your personality can stay hidden or underdeveloped. Later in life, this might show up as feeling unsure of who you really are. You might struggle to make decisions or feel emotionally disconnected from yourself.  

A Distorted Sense of Self-Worth 

When love or safety felt conditional growing up, you may have come to believe that your worth needed to be earned. You might have looked to achievement or approval as ways to feel “good enough” causing an impact on identity. 

This can look like: 

• Tying your self-worth to success or how others perceive you 

• Struggling with chronic self-criticism or perfectionism 

• Feeling unworthy unless you are always achieving or doing  

As adults, you might push yourself relentlessly. Rest might bring guilt. Even small mistakes can feel intolerable. Slowing down or showing yourself kindness may feel unfamiliar or even impossible.  

Difficulty Regulating Emotions 

Children need consistent and supportive caregivers to help them learn how to manage strong emotions. If that support was not there, you may have grown up without the tools to appropriately handle emotional stress.  

This can show up in adulthood as: 

• Being easily overwhelmed or reactive 

• Feeling anxious or on edge much of the time 

• Shutting down emotionally or numbing out completely  

These emotional patterns often persist for years. The childhood emotional neglect and identity issues can impact your relationships and ability to cope with everyday challenges as an adult. 

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adult Relationships 

When early relationships are unsafe or unpredictable, it can become difficult to trust others or feel secure in closeness. As adults, this might show up in many ways, such as: 

• Avoiding intimacy or finding it hard to stay emotionally present 

• Depending heavily on others for reassurance or identity 

• Struggling to respect or set healthy boundaries 

• Fearing abandonment or rejection, even in safe relationships  

Even when someone genuinely cares about you, it can feel hard to believe they are truly safe or reliable. These early relational wounds can continue to show up in both personal and professional relationships.  

Trauma May Shape You, But It Doesn’t Define You 

If these patterns sound familiar, know that you are not alone. Many of us who have experienced ongoing or repeated adversity in childhood go on to develop symptoms of Complex PTSD (c-PTSD). While these experiences may have shaped how we learned to cope, they don’t have to define who we become. With the right support, it’s possible to: 

• Understand and process the impact of trauma 

• Reconnect with the parts of yourself that were hidden 

• Build healthier relationships and boundaries 

• Strengthen your sense of identity and self-worth 

• Learn to manage strong emotions in healthy ways  

Trauma-informed therapies for adults, including Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and psychodynamic therapy can help you process childhood trauma and its impacts. A therapist trained in these approaches can help you process these experiences safely and gently at your own pace. They can help you move from surviving to living more fully.  

 Your early story shaped you, but it does not have to define your future. Your story is still unfolding and healing is possible. You don’t have to do it alone. 

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Ready to take the next step?  

If you’re coping with childhood trauma and its effects on adult identity or relationships, our therapists can help you heal. Our experienced, compassionate therapists can support you in working through past trauma and reconnecting with your true self. Get in touch for a confidential consultation.

We're here when you're ready.  

Understanding Trauma Responses and How to Heal

Trauma doesn’t always stem from one life-changing event. It can arise from a single experience, a series of repeated events, or a buildup of stress over time. In response, our brains and bodies develop automatic mechanisms to protect us—these are known as trauma responses.

These reactions often happen reflexively, without conscious choice. While they may have helped us survive in the past, trauma responses can disrupt daily life, relationships, and emotional well-being if left unaddressed.

What Are Trauma Responses?

Trauma responses are instinctive reactions to perceived danger. These reactions are shaped by the brain’s effort to keep us safe based on past threats. Even long after the threat is gone, these responses can remain activated, especially in people who have experienced ongoing or complex trauma.

The 4 Trauma Response Types: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

Fight Response

The fight response is characterised by confrontation. This can manifest as irritability, defensiveness, or aggression. While it may appear rooted in anger, it’s often driven by fear and the need to regain control in threatening situations.

Helpful in true danger, but may cause interpersonal conflict when over-activated.

Flight Response

The flight response involves escape. It may look like avoiding conflict, overworking, or feeling the urge to leave situations that feel overwhelming, whether it’s physically or emotionally.

Flight offers protection, but constant avoidance can limit connection and growth.

Freeze Response

Like a deer in headlights, the freeze response involves shutting down. You might feel numb, detached, or stuck, unable to speak or move. This mental “pause” helps the brain cope by disconnecting from the moment.

May delay healing if emotions remain unprocessed or repressed.

Fawn Response

The fawn response is the least talked about. It involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. People who fawn may over-apologise, struggle with boundaries, or place others’ needs before their own to maintain safety and approval.

Over time, this leads to emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relationships.

Common Signs of Trauma in Daily Life

Even when the traumatic event is long past, trauma responses can continue to affect how we think, feel, and relate to others.

Hypervigilance

A state of constant alertness and scanning for danger even when none exists. This may cause overreactions in situations that feel “normal” to others.

Emotional Dysregulation

Difficulty managing emotions. You may shut down, feel numb, lash out, or experience intense mood swings without clear triggers.

Negative Self-Perception

People with unresolved trauma often internalise harmful self-beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable”). These aren’t facts, but echoes of how others treated them.

Difficulty Trusting Others

Trauma can create a deep-rooted fear of rejection or betrayal, leading to withdrawal, isolation, or fear of intimacy, even when connection is desired.

How to Heal from Trauma: Steps Toward Recovery

Understanding your trauma is the first step toward healing. Here are small but meaningful ways to start your journey.

Try Grounding & Breathing Exercises

Techniques like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method bring you back to the present when anxiety or panic sets in.

Journal to Process Emotions

Journalling helps you organise thoughts, release built-up tension, and track your healing journey over time.

Practise Restorative Self-Care

Prioritise rest, nourishment, and comfort. This may include spending time in nature, engaging in hobbies, or simply taking breaks when needed.

When to See a Psychologist for Trauma Support

You don’t have to heal alone. A clinical psychologist can help you:

• Understand your trauma responses

• Rebuild a sense of safety and trust

• Learn healthy coping strategies

• Strengthen relationships and emotional resilience

Therapy provides a safe space to process trauma without judgment and develop practical tools to support your mental health long-term.

Final Thoughts

Healing from trauma isn’t linear. It’s okay if you take two steps forward and one step back. What matters is that you’re moving forward at your own pace with tools, awareness, and support.

If you’re ready to take that first step, reach out to our psychologists to begin your healing journey today.

Trauma Anniversaries: Understanding how you feel and how to cope

Trauma anniversaries can be a result of private (e.g. sexual assault, domestic violence or childhood abuse) or public trauma (e.g. natural disasters, terrorist attacks or political violence). Whether private or public, trauma anniversaries can stir up intense emotions and symptoms. These reactions are normal, and they are known as anniversary reactions.   

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Why do trauma anniversaries occur? 

Trauma affects both our minds and bodies. When a traumatic event occurs, our body activates its fight, flight, or freeze response to protect us from the overwhelming danger. When this trauma is not fully processed, this survival response becomes overactive. Resultingly, cues that remind us of the traumatic event can trigger this intense reaction, even when there is no real threat.  

As the trauma anniversary nears, we may feel more on edge as our body reacts to perceived threats. These cues can be internal, such as emotional or physical states (i.e. feeling the same emotions or bodily sensations felt during the trauma). Cues can also be external, such as time-based (i.e. seasonal changes, time of year) or environmental triggers (i.e. sights, sounds, smells). Encountering a cue can activate the body’s survival response and can leave you feeling anxious, nervous or scared. 

However, these trauma reminders are not always negative. In some cases, they can support the healing process. For example, the anniversary of a loss may bring memories of a loved one and offer space to process your grief more deeply. Media coverage of a public tragedy can also rally survivors together and facilitate community support. 

For trauma anniversary signs in children and how to support them, check out our parenting guide.

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Trauma Anniversary Symptoms  

Trauma anniversaries can often make PTSD symptoms worse. You may experience feelings of self-judgement and question “Why am I still bothered by this?”. Or you may face anticipation anxiety, dreading the day for fear you will struggle.  

Other common symptoms include: 

• Reliving the event 

• Most common symptom  

• Re-experiencing the feelings, bodily responses and thoughts that occurred during the trauma  

• Avoidance  

• Avoidance of anything related to the traumatic event (i.e. people, places, objects) 

• Negative changes in beliefs and feelings  

• Old thoughts or feelings of guilt or shame may return  

• Daily mood affected (e.g. sad, anxious, nervous)  

• Affects how they relate to others (i.e. friends and family) 

• Feeling “on edge” (hyperarousal) 

• Constantly feeling jittery, nervous or worried  

• Difficulties sleeping or having nightmares  

• More reactive to small triggers (i.e. irritable, easy to anger) 

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How can we feel better? 

Over time, the distress will become less frequent and less intense. Most people start to feel better within a week or two after the anniversary of the traumatic event. While symptoms can feel overwhelming, there are effective strategies to help you cope.  

1. Caring for Your Physical Health  

Your physical health pays a big role in your mental well-being. A balanced diet, regular exercise and sufficient rest is especially important when dealing with trauma anniversaries, as they help regulate emotions and build emotional resilience. 

Exercise releases endorphins, commonly known as “happy hormones” that reduce anxiety and boost our mood. What you eat can significantly impact your mood. So, eating nutrient-rich foods can ensure your energy levels are stable and improve your feelings of anxiety, fatigue or irritability. Lastly, rest is crucial in facilitating recovery from trauma. Sleep helps restore your brain function, regulates your moods and calms your nervous system. Rest is not a luxury; it’s a necessity when coping with anniversary trauma.  

2. Lean on your loved ones 

When facing something as heavy as trauma, it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, seen and supported. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, listen without judgement and show genuine concern. Remember, you are not alone! When trauma anniversary symptoms surface, reach out to someone you trust to get support. 

3. Journalling  

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to reduce your anniversary trauma symptoms. Writing it down can help you acknowledge and process all the complex emotions you may be feeling. It can express emotions or thoughts that are too hard to say out loud, providing an outlet to reduce emotional overwhelm and facilitate healing.  

4. Try Calming Exercises  

Heart pounding, hands shaking and thoughts racing – when our survival response takes over, it can be difficult to steady ourselves admists the overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness exercises can help bring awareness to our emotions, calm our nervous system, and reground us to the present.  

5. Seek Professional Help 

Trauma is not something to dismiss or minimise. When left unaddressed, it can become deeply rooted and lead to serious mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. Sometimes, self-care alone is not enough – and that is okay! There is no shame in asking for help. Just like how you would visit a doctor when your body’s not feeling well, it can be helpful to visit a mental health professional if you have been struggling with your mental health. Therapists, counsellors and psychologists are trained to create a safe space where you feel supported, understood and heard. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do for yourself. 

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Anniversary trauma and the distressing feelings, thoughts and physical symptoms it brings can be incredibly difficult to face. Navigating trauma can sometimes feel like an endless dark tunnel. But take heart – healing is possible. Lean on those who love you and be patient with yourself.  

Healing is never linear. Every small step forward makes all the difference to recovery. 

Not Knowing how to Live vs Wanting to Die

At some point, we might feel lost – we don’t know how to live. How is this different from wanting to end our lives?  

Not knowing how to live 

I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Many of us have these thoughts when we face a turning point. We could be going through change and making decisions – like leaving school, starting a new career or losing a family member.  

We feel uncertain as life presents us with a blank slate. With no clear purpose, we are confused. This turns into what is commonly dubbed as an “existential crisis”. This period can feel highly distressing, as we continue to have unanswered questions. 

What can we do when we don’t know how to live? 

• Explore our passions and continue our hobbies 

• Expand our horizons: Read widely and talk to people 

• Know and acknowledge our strengths 

• Accept that this is a period of uncertainty 

Wanting to die 

While we could consider feeling lost to be a normal part of life, it could turn dangerous. Without the plan and intention of ending our lives, the desire to die or no longer exist are considered passive suicide ideation. This signals that we have overwhelming emotions and pain, and we’re in desperate need of relief. 

Passive suicide ideation is a warning sign. Likely, there are underlying issues that we need to address. These challenges don’t just fade away over time. In fact, they can lead to active plans for death. As such, it is best that we pay attention to our thoughts, and get the help that we need. 

What can we do when we want to die? 

• Call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

• Talk to someone 

• Consider therapy 

• Make a safety plan: Decide and write down what we will do to keep ourselves safe when we want to die. 

Our existential crises may not be entirely bad – it hints at us to reassess what we’re going through. Perhaps some redirection and exploration can help us find meaning in our lives. But our alarm bells should ring when we find ourselves thinking of dying to relieve our pain. In this case, we can reach out to the available support around us – whether it’s talking to friends, family or professionals.  

I've been called manipulative, what should i do?

We may even have heard that people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are manipulative and worry if we may have the same disorder too. So, what should we do to check? 

Reflect 

Firstly, let us take a moment to reflect on these questions: 

Have others called me “manipulative”? 

What constitutes an acceptable behaviour can vary between individuals and cultures. If only one person labelled us as such, perhaps our personalities simply do not match. However, when many people think of us as manipulative, it may be beneficial to consider the next few questions. 

What did I feel while carrying out the acts? 

“Manipulation” may draw to mind a calm and collected con artist. If we enjoy lording over others, we may even feel exhilaration! On the other hand, individuals with BPD experience feelings of desperation! They engage in such behaviours as they are terrified of being abandoned and need the consistent reassurance or validation. 

What was I hoping to achieve through my actions? 

Unlike notions of manipulation where we are trying to gain something at the expense of someone else, individuals with BPD have different aims! Granted, individuals with BPD may sound manipulative with requests like “If you love me, help me do…” or “Do …, otherwise I will hurt myself”. However, their intention isn’t to inflict harm or dominate the other person. Instead, it is usually done to seek emotional comfort and reassurance that they are cherished and not about to be abandoned. 

After having pondered these questions and if it seems that we are similar to a person with BPD, let us move on to the next step to further explore if we may have BPD. 

Consult the family 

BPD runs in the family, with studies estimating that having a parent, sibling or child with BPD puts us at a 5 times greater risk of developing it ourselves. Checking in with our loved ones to see if there are any relatives within the family with BPD may help confirm or allay our worries. 

Seek professional opinion 

Lastly, the sure-fire way to check if we may have BPD would be to seek out a mental health professional. With their expertise and more in-depth assessment tools, they are more likely to provide you with an accurate assessment. 

Written by Yi Ling and our Associate Psychologist

Understanding Disordered Eating and Mental Health

Misconceptions of Disordered Eating
Credit: TEDx Talks

Wait! Disordered eating or eating disorder? Aren’t they the same?

Not exactly! While they share some similarities, they are different.

An “eating disorder” is a clinical diagnosis, with specific criteria for conditions like anorexia or bulimia.

On the other hand, “disordered eating” refers to unhealthy eating behaviours or patterns that don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder.

Someone with disordered eating may not have an eating disorder, but people with eating disorders often exhibit disordered eating behaviours. Disordered eating is quite common and can often go unnoticed, as it may show up in small actions you might do daily without realising.

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How do I know if I have disordered eating and not an eating disorder?

While there is no single, perfect guideline on what constitutes “normal eating” as each of our bodies is different, healthy eating is about nourishing our body in a balanced and flexible way. Not overly restrictive, preoccupied, or obsessed (binging, excessive calorie counting).

The golden rule: eat when hungry and stop when satiated (not when you’re about to unbutton your pants).

Whether it’s 3 regular meals a day, or smaller portions but more frequently, our food intake should have all the necessary nutrients our body needs.

In contrast, disordered eating can fly under the radar because its signs are usually more subtle. In contrast, eating disorders are generally more severe and easier to spot. For more information, read more about eating disorders here.

But when it comes to disordered eating, here are a few behaviours to take note of:

Ψ     Eating when stressed or for comfort
Ψ     Eating when not hungry or not for nourishment
Ψ     Following restrictive diets
Ψ     Fasting for extended periods (more than 24 hours)
Ψ     Regularly skipping meals
Ψ     Episodes of binge eating
Ψ     Using diet pills to control weight
Ψ     Misusing diuretics, laxatives, or enemas
Ψ     Feeling guilty after eating or for eating certain foods

If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to reflect on our relationship with food.

Here’s a short summary of the differences between disordered eating and eating disorders:

Disordered Eating	Eating Disorders
Eating for emotional reasons	Frequently thinking about food
Eating to cope with distress	Extreme calorie concern
Rigid rituals or routines around food and exercise	Fixation on weight and body shape
Occasional calorie restriction or bingeing	Disruption in daily life
Selective eating	Significant weight changes

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Disordered Eating and Mental Health: The Connection

While disordered eating might seem less severe than an eating disorder, it can still impact both physical and mental health over time.

Disordered eating often stems from emotional reasons, particularly to cope with distress. This distress may come from feeling heightened stress in our lives, or anxiety about our weight, health or appearance.

For example, finding ourselves rummaging through the office pantry right after lunch because we’re feeling stressed or skipping dinner because we’re already full from snacks, telling ourselves, "I need to lose weight.”

Soon after, feelings of regret and guilt may arise, whether from eating or restricting food. This can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, or feeling unsatisfied, prompting behaviours like skipping meals or overeating. This cycle of stress, eating, guilt and restriction can create a pattern that’s hard to break.

If you notice the signs, it might be time to check in on your emotional needs.

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Okay, I think... I might have it. So, what should I do now to stop it?

The key is to start from within. Addressing disordered eating isn't just about changing eating habits – it's also about understanding the emotional and mental factors that drive these behaviours. Here are some steps you can take:

Ψ    Gather knowledge and check in with yourself often

Start by learning the signs of disordered eating and eating disorders, just like you’re doing now! Recognising these patterns early can help you catch them before they become more ingrained.

Mindfulness plays a big role here. Stay grounded and present and be aware of your emotions and physical cues. Eat when you’re hungry and try to differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger.  

Ψ    Try alternative coping mechanisms

If you’re using food to deal with emotions like stress or sadness, or even binge eating when you’re feeling happy, try adopting healthier ways to manage your emotions and eating, such as:

• Exercise: Physical activity can help relieve stress and improve mood.

• Creative hobbies: Engage in activities like painting, writing, or crafting to channel your emotions in a productive way.

• Heathy snacks: Opt for nutritious options like fruits.  

Ψ    Avoid fad diets

Fad diets often promise quick results but can harm your body and disrupt healthy eating habits.

Focused on balanced, long-term changes (choosing healthier options, or preparing your own meals) instead of drastic restrictions that can lead to disordered eating behaviours.

Ψ    Self-positive encouragement

Celebrate small victories! Even the tiniest steps toward healthier behaviours, deserve recognition. Use positive self-talk to motivate yourself. You could say things like:

• “Good job to me! I didn’t overeat, even though I loved the food!”

• “I made it! I didn’t skip any meals this week!”

Sometimes, enjoying a good meal can be a form of celebration – just remember to enjoy it in the right portion and be aware of when you feel satiated. 

Okay, but what is the right portion?
There’s a Chinese saying, “qi (7) fen bao, gang gang hao,” which means “eat until you’re 70% full.” This could be the balanced portion your body needs.

Ψ    Set realistic goals

Don’t expect to change everything overnight. Set achievable, small goals that focus on improving your relationship with food and your body. This could be as simple as:

• Eating 3 regular meals per day

• Reducing emotional eating from 5 times a week to 3 times

Lastly, if you’re struggling to manage disordered eating on your own, reaching out for professional support is a great next step. Therapists, dietitians, or counsellors specialised in eating behaviours can guide you toward healthier coping strategies and a balanced relationship with food.

Supporting a Person Whose Friend or Family Completed Suicide

In 2019, 400 lives were lost to suicide in Singapore, and suicide is the leading cause of death for those aged between 10 – 29 years old. 

There are at least 2 sides to every suicide: The person who took his or her life, and those left to grieve.

It can be challenging to support someone who has lost a family or friend to suicide. What should I say? What if I say something that only makes them feel worse? Should I even say anything? These worries are perfectly understandable. After all, many people struggle to talk about suicide. While we may feel awkward or uncomfortable when talking about suicide, this should not stop us from showing support and offering assistance.  

While it may be challenging, your support can make a real difference in helping a person through their loss. 

Supporting Those Affected by Suicide Loss: A Guide for Compassionate Responses

Here are 3 key areas that that we will cover below that will guide you in your efforts to support someone who has lost a friend or family member to suicide: Being a good listener, the do’s and don’ts of what to say, and warning signs to look out for. 

How do I be a good listener to a grieving person? 

One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is to simply lend a listening ear. This means to sit with him/her and listen to their feelings in a non-judgemental manner without imposing your personal opinions. Do not try to problem solve either.   

ACTIVE LISTENING is a great way of doing so!  

While our conversation partner is still speaking, we often get caught up in trying to formulate our response. A consequence of this is that we end up failing to fully grasp and understand what the other person is trying to convey. Instead of trying to find the right words, it is more important to let the grieving person express themselves and share with you the nature of the loss. Here are some useful tips on being a good active listener to a grieving person: 

• Accept all feelings. Let him/her know that is okay for them to cry in front of you, break down, scream, or even laugh. They may be struggling with a whole array of new and even conflicting emotions like guilt, despair, blame, anger, and regret. These can be uncomfortable emotions, but it is better to let them out rather than bottling it up. Accept the emotions that they are experiencing and know that it will pass. There is no correct way to feel about loss. Ultimately, the person should feel free to express their feelings in a space that is free of judgement, argument, or criticism. 

• Silence is okay. Be prepared for moments of awkward silences. Do not force the person to speak if they are not ready to. Instead, be willing to be present and show that you are ready to listen when they are ready to speak. 

• Offer comfort without minimizing or trivializing the loss. Statements such as “It could be worse” do not help. Do not give unsolicited advice, claim to know what the person is feeling, or compare your grief with theirs. Such words are rarely helpful. Instead, let the person know that what they are feeling is okay and that it is a normal reaction to the situation.

What should I say to a grieving person? 

• Acknowledge the situation and check in on how the grieving person is feeling. Do not assume to know or understand how the person is feeling. Assumptions often worsen the situation as they invalidate a person’s intense emotions. Instead, start off by acknowledging the situation so the person knows that you are willing to openly discuss the loss they have experienced. Next, give them the opportunity to express their feelings. For example, “I heard that ___ died by suicide. I’m sorry to hear this happened and I’m here when you need me. How are you feeling?” 

• Reflecting and paraphrasing. This is a really useful way to show the grieving person that you are hearing their story! It helps to foster a better empathetic connection, which makes the person more comfortable in continuing to share their thoughts and emotions with you. For example, the person might say “I don’t even know where to start, everything feels terrible.” In response, consider saying something along the lines of “It sounds like you feel very overwhelmed and upset, this situation is taking an emotional toll on you.” See how you would be reflecting their underlying emotions back to them? 

• Do not use cliches or platitudes to comfort. We often feel compelled to comfort the grieving person by saying things such as “time will heal” and “they are in a better place now”. While it comes from a place of good intentions, such words can minimize the depth of the person’s pain, leaving them feeling misunderstood and more isolated. Instead, check on how they’ve coped so far and explore what resources they've tried so far. 

Samaritans of Singapore Hotline: 1800 221 4444 

Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline: 6389 2222 

Singapore Association of Mental Health Helpline: 1800 283 7019 

You can also find a list of international helplines here.

Keep an eye out for warning signs 

It is not uncommon for a grieving person to feel depressed, angry, or disconnected from others. These emotions usually decrease in intensity over time. However, it might be indicative of a bigger cause for concern if the intense emotions don’t subside over time and the person does not appear to be capable of coping with the overwhelming emotions on a day-to-day basis. They may also display significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, interpersonal, or other important areas of functioning. Here are some other warning signs to look out for: 

• Extreme focus on the death 

• Talking about wanting to escape the pain / statements indicating they are considering ending their life 

• Withdrawal from others 

• Diminished experience pleasure from the things they used to enjoy 

• Feelings of hopelessness 

• A lack of concern for personal welfare or hygiene 

• Excessive consumption of alcohol or other substances 

• Trouble sleeping 

If you are concerned about a person in distress, it can be helpful to recommend that they see a psychologist. Let them know that it’s absolutely alright to seek out other additional help they may require.

Remember, everyone’s healing process is different, and healing takes time.

Sometimes, lots of time. 

Grief after losing someone to suicide can feel like a rollercoaster, but with support (from someone like yourself!), the ride can become significantly less scary. 

Supporting Someone who has Been Abused

What is Abuse?

How can I help someone who is being abused?

Abuse refers to any forms of violent, cruel or demeaning acts against another person or animal to cause harm or distress.  

Types of Abuse 

“Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse… that should be about it right?”

There are actually many more types of abuse than we think. There are at least 5 different types of abuse. The different types of abuse can be further subdivided according to: 

Ψ The nature of the abuse (e.g. physical, emotional, financial, or sexual)
Ψ The demographic of the victims (e.g. elderly, children, or intimate partners) 

Here are some types of abuse and the warning signs you should look out for.

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Physical Abuse 

What are the signs?  

Some signs of physical abuse include sustaining physical injuries and wounds (e.g. battered faces, bruises, or cuts). In more serious cases, one can have broken bones, internal bleeding, or even punctures. More subtle signs include the perpetuator not allowing anyone to visit the victim, or isolating the victim, to prevent others from knowing about the abuse. 

What is physical abuse?  

Physical abuse refers to causing bodily injury to others intentionally. Bodily injuries can be inflicted by any violent acts such as kicking, hitting, scalding, strangling, choking, pushing, or slapping the victim.  

Physical abuse is often associated with domestic abuse or child abuse where battered partner or children find it difficult to break free from helplessness and passivity.

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Emotional Abuse

What are the signs?  

Signs of emotional abuse include intimidation, manipulation, humiliation, criticism, name-calling, blaming, false accusations and trivializing of one’s concerns. Victims can also show signs of emotional agitation, excessive self-consciousness, social withdrawal or anxiety, and non-responsiveness to the perpetuator.

As seen from the examples above, verbal abuse is usually intertwined greatly with emotional abuse, whereby words are used to hurt someone emotionally. Other forms of non-verbal emotional abuse include neglect, love withdrawal and silent treatment.  

What is emotional abuse?  

Emotional abuse is often also called psychological or mental abuse.  

Emotional abuse refers to non-physical abusive behaviors that are aimed at undermining one’s mental well-being such as one’s self-esteem, dignity and sense of identity.  

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Financial Abuse

What is financial abuse?  

Unlike the aforementioned types of abuse, financial abuse is less frequently heard of. Financial abuse refers to controlling or restricting one’s ability to use money or other financial resources. Victims are often excluded from financial decision-making as well.   

Financial abuse is common in domestic abuse and elder abuse where the spouse’s or elderly parents’ access to financial resources are being controlled. Financial abuse traps victims in the abusive relationship as they do not have the resources to survive by themselves.  

What are the signs?  

Some signs of financial abuse include controlling expenses and allowance without seeking one’s opinion or advice, have access to one’s bank account, creating joint bank accounts, using one’s money without permission or agreement, or sabotaging one’s opportunities to acquire a job or promote. 

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Ways to support someone I know who is being abused:

1. Help them prioritize their safety 

Safety of the victim is of utmost priority. Help victims of abuse stay safe, especially those who are physically abused and/or are isolated at home. Check in with their safety at times and ensure that they are okay.  

In the case where you cannot contact them for a few days or if you see that the victim has incurred serious physical and psychological hurt, please inform the police so that the victim can be separated and kept safe from the perpetuator.

You can work together with the victim to come up with a safety plan as well. A safety plan is a code used by the victim to signal that they are in danger. This code should not be revealed to the perpetuator to ensure the safety of the victim. 

2. Help them seek professional help if needed 

Encourage them to approach someone who can offer professional guidance and advice. If they are willing and consent to getting professional help, you can help them contact the relevant helplines if necessary.   

If consulting relevant professionals seems intimidating and overwhelming for the victim, offer to accompany them for the visits as well.  

3. Lend support to them  

Lend them a listening ear and let them know you are there for them. Support is important for the victims as they will know that they are not alone and they can turn to someone else for help.   

Often, perpetuators of abuse aim to make the victims feel bad about themselves so they can easily manipulate them. They tend to limit the victims’ access to social or financial resources (e.g. through isolating them from their friends or preventing them from getting a job) so they have no choice but to be dependent on them. Victims then develop learned helplessness and often find it hard to leave an abusive relationship. Knowing they have someone else to rely on other than the perpetuators is thus a great source of strength and courage to them.  

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What should I not do if I know someone who is being abused? 

1. Do not trivialize and invalidate their experiences and feelings 

Opening up and sharing about being abused take a lot of courage. If an abuse victim confides in you, treat their call for help seriously and do not make insensitive jokes or remarks that would make them feel worse about themselves and more afraid to approach others for help. Always be emotionally accessible and non-judgmental when a victim shares about their experience.  

2. Do not blame them for their abuse 

Victims are never responsible of the other party’s abusive behaviors as we are all accountable for our own actions. Instead, help victims know that we are all deserving to be treated with respect and dignity, and abuse should not be justified by any reasons. 

3. Do not make decisions for them   

They have the right to make independent decisions for themselves. Do not force them to leave the perpetuator. It is difficult for victims to walk out of an abusive relationship, especially if they are emotionally, legally or financially tied to the perpetuator.  

However, regardless of their decisions, let them know you will be here for them. Try your best to reason with them and talk them through calmly, but ultimately, they have to make the choice for themselves. 

Coping with Sexual Assault

Credit: Millennials of Singapore

AWARE Sexual Assault Care Centre
6779 0282 (10AM to midnight, Mon-Fri)

KK Women's Hospital
6225 5554 (24 hours)

Singapore General Hospital
6222 3322

Tan Tock Seng Hospital
1800 7372 7500

Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual behaviour that makes a person feel uncomfortable, threatened or scared. Consent is key - if you did not consent to such behaviour, or withdrew your consent, and the other party continues to make unwelcome advances, that is sexual assault.

AWARE Singapore has also published a helpful resource on what sexual assault is.

If you are a victim of sexual assault, please don’t blame yourself for whatever that has happened to you.

No one has the right to violate you no matter how you dressed, or whether you are unconscious or not.

First Steps

Try and remember as much as you can about your surroundings when the assault occurred; the smallest details can make a huge difference. At the earliest opportunity, try and picture the offender’s face, features or clothing (distinct colours, features or brands for example).

If you were unconscious during the assault, try to remember what you can of what occurred before and after you became unconscious or assaulted, including your surroundings. Find out if there was anyone around whom you can ask for more information of what happened.

Lodge a police report and seek medical attention as soon as possible in case of STIs and pregnancy.

In order to gather and preserve evidence, a sexual assault forensic examination (commonly referred to as “rape kit exam”) can be done at either KK Women’s Hospital, Singapore General Hospital or Tan Tock Seng Hospital within 72 hours of the incident – these hospitals are best equipped to deal with sexual assault.

You are required to make a police report before doing the rape kit exam. If you are under the age of 21, your parent or legal guardian is required for the rape kit exam.

Although it is strongly advisable to make a police report and undergo the rape kit exam, do not feel that you must do so against your will (or at the insistence of your family or friends) if doing so causes you great distress. This may only end up worsening your mental health. Instead, persuade your loved ones to respect your decision.

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Management

It is normal to feel strong emotions such as disgust or shame. Don’t avoid experiencing them.

Accepting that these feelings are unavoidable is the first step to managing what you are going through. When you are ready, open up about what happened to people you trust. In fact, keeping the fact of the assault all to yourself can be extremely suffocating.

There are countless testimonies published online (#MeToo movement) and support groups where survivors share their experiences – AWARE has one for female survivors (16 years of age and above) of sexual assault. You could hear from others on how they coped with their experiences. If you're not comfortable speaking to a group of people, you could share your story online anonymously with AimForZero or speak to a trusted friend. We all need an outlet somehow.

Sharing your experience and seeking comfort in the support of others can help you to cope with the debilitating incident. Here are some benefits of doing so:

Ψ Release pent up emotions
Ψ Receiving support from a support network (family, volunteers, welfare organisations)
Ψ Make sense of your thoughts and emotions
Ψ Greater clarity of what happened during the incident
Ψ One step closer to management
Ψ Spread awareness of this issue in society (without these small contributions, many others may continue to be oblivious)

Even if you really do not feel like confiding in someone, try and seek out at least one or two trusted confidants.

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Acceptance (Not Avoidance!)

While it may be painful, recalling and accepting the incident is important. Avoidance only makes whatever you were avoiding more salient.

The harder you try to avoid it, the more likely that you will be reminded of it, or make it more salient in your head. Acceptance is not the same as blaming yourself for what happened. Rather, it includes being able to accept that what happened was out of your control.

Coping with Flashbacks

It is common to experience traumatic flashbacks. Prepare yourself by developing some awareness of possible triggers (e.g. certain smells). Once you are more aware of your triggers, it will help you make sense of what is happening and why.

During flashbacks, pay attention to physical sensations and what emotions you are feeling during these episodes. After, take steps to calm down, such as breathing exercises. Ground yourself in the present (e.g. tapping your arms, naming the current day) as this will help you realise that it is a flashback and not reality.

Don’t Isolate Yourself!

Stay connected with loved ones and join social activities. You don’t have to constantly talk about sexual assault or things related to it. You can do things that have nothing to do with the trauma itself.

If these activities bring you joy, they can be equally helpful. Participating in joyful activities isn’t avoidance. You can choose to accept that you are feeling low or down, and yet try to do something to lift your spirits.

Seek Professional Help

Sexual assault and trauma is linked to a bunch of mental disorders, depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders etc… If you feel unable to carry on with your everyday life due to the repercussions of the incident, seek help from a mental health professional.

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For friends, family, loved ones of victims

Don’t blame them for whatever that has happened, pass judgments or express doubt on their story.

1. Be a listening ear. Listen to their narration of events, bearing in mind that effect of trauma may have had an adverse impact on their ability to accurately remember the relevant sequence of events.

2. Don’t downplay or trivialise the incident. This will (definitely) come across as doubting or invalidating their feelings. Let them feel whatever they must feel as part of their own process.

3. At an appropriate time, encourage them to seek help whenever they can (e.g. psychologists, counsellors), but let them do so on their own terms. Do not insist for them to seek help. Only encourage them to do so if it seems as though their distress is causing them to be unable to function daily or normally.

4. Provide emotional support whenever you can. A sexual assault experience can be extremely traumatic and effects can last for a long time. Think along the lines of “How can I be there for him/her?” rather than “What concrete steps do I need to take to help?”.

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For others

Tips/Precautions

• Be mindful of your surroundings and the environment you are in. If necessary, take additional precautions if you have to walk in an unsafe area.

• Do not assume that someone else will look out for your safety. In bars or at parties, keep your drink with you. Leaving your drink unattended makes it possible for someone to spike them with date rape drugs or intoxicating alcohol. Know your limits and keep within them, especially when it comes to drinking in unfamiliar places. Being surrounded by familiar people does not make a place “familiar”.

• Sexual assault occurs even if you least expect it. Do not keep quiet if an assault is imminent. The shock may overwhelm and you may be too frightened, but always seek help immediately. Scream or shout for help if you have to.

How to contribute to the cause

• Stay current on sexual assault laws. By educating ourselves on the many forms and types of sexual assault, when they can happen and what safety nets we have in place in society, we become more knowledgeable on the issue and can either help spread awareness, or strive for change in the community.

• Become an advocate for sexual assault victims. You can start small – from sharing with your friends and family about your experiences (if any) and how you survived. You can volunteer for AWARE, join a movement or speak up about the issue whenever you can.

• Know how to respond to sexual assault cases. For example, if a stranger approaches you for help or if you witness something happening, don’t be an apathetic bystander. Help the person. With people being more alert and informed, offenders will be more afraid to act out. Deterrence may not completely stop sexual assault, but it can at least reduce the number of cases and victims.