Battling Imposter Syndrome

Now something that may or may not be a secret: The ones who care about their achievements, performance or abilities the most, usually have the strongest imposter syndrome.

I mean, have you ever doubted your ability to brush your teeth, chew your food or even blink?

We know imposter syndrome is annoying to deal with. It drives us to go above and beyond what we need to do to feel 'competent’. We’re then told we are indeed competent (by working very hard to prove ourselves), but the imposter syndrome and self-doubt only gets stronger.

Do we deserve the recognition? Were we just lucky?
“Pretty sure others are more deserving than me. I’m not as good as they think. I’m really just winging things.”

Seriously, you’re not the only one. Don’t believe that you are.

Look, maybe there are some magical humans in the world who’ve never experienced self-doubt before. Or maybe they did, and they didn’t think much of it. The fleeting moments of self-doubt disappear so quickly that they weren’t aware of it. Some tell you they’ve never doubted themselves and can’t relate to your feelings.

Great, now you feel silly. Well, in actuality, all you found is someone you shouldn’t speak to about self-doubt and anxiety.

You see, the average human (apparently up to 82% of us) has experienced imposter syndrome. So don’t let it discourage you from finding someone you feel safe enough to talk to about your thoughts and feelings.

Okay, fine. I’ll accept that I can experience it and it’s normal. Now what? Help me get rid of it!

Hold your horses, do you really need to?

Since we’re all about sharing secrets here: imposter syndrome is not entirely bad (actually, it’s not even a syndrome). It’s okay to experience anxiety and fear. It’s okay to have negative thoughts about yourself. It’s okay to be doubtful sometimes.

What is not okay is letting the anxiety, fear, or negative thoughts, take over and prevent you from setting healthy limits to your workload, allow you to discount your achievements, or even compel you to turn down deserving opportunities. If you’re thinking of doing any of these, here are our tips for you:

Ψ Take a second, and zoom out.

Consider what brought about this wave of anxiety and self-doubt.

Was there a new and unexpected challenge you’re facing? A new responsibility? Have you only just started out in whatever job or environment you’re in? What are the expectations of this job or task? Are these expectations coming from you (i.e., thinking you need to ace this, and that you can’t fail) or from others (i.e., your boss telling you this is an important job)?

More importantly, are the processes or requirements to meet the expectations clear? Do you know what the action steps are to get the job done ‘satisfactorily’? If so, are these realistic?

Ψ Gather objective feedback.

Don’t rely on only one source. Consult multiple trustworthy persons to gather feedback or evidence of your abilities or performance. This includes mentors, managers, work colleagues, friends, family and even past employees who may have been in a similar position.

Ask them for advice. Ask them how long it took. Ask them what was required to do things well. Ask them whether they think what you’ve been doing is sufficient or whether you’re on the right track. If the feedback is generally positive or reassuring, then you know. You’re the only one doubting yourself.

Ψ Commit to trying and learning.

Maybe a part of you just doubts your abilities. Maybe the feedback tells you that you’re not “there” yet, although you have potential. Maybe your achievements are indeed shared with other contributors. Maybe there are genuine reservations in accepting a promotion.

Rather than resign yourself to “yes i’m just an imposter”, take it as a sign that your mind (or heart) is telling you it wants to grow. Spur yourself to try, learn, fail, and grow. But set realistic limits, expectations, a timeline, and commit to taking action - regardless of the outcome.

Ψ Remember there are other sides of you, and life.

Spend time cultivating different interests and skills. Meet new people with unique perspectives. Read different types of material or explore new hobbies. Invest time with the “old” things that still matter - loved ones, hobbies, priorities.

Life isn’t so black-and-white. Don’t confine your self-worth to only your achievements or abilities. You can care about them, while caring about many other things. So it’s okay to give it a little less weight when it’s too heavy. No one said you can’t!

How to Cope with Being Scammed

You’ve just been scammed. Your life turned upside down. Assuming that you’ve done all the practical things that need to be done, you’re here because you’re not taking it too well.

How are you doing? Are you feeling a mix of emotions, or nothing at all? Are you wondering why things turned out this way, or why this happened to you? Are you blaming yourself for what happened?

All that you’re thinking and feeling (or not), is normal.

We can’t take away what happened to you, nor cushion the loss that you had to, and will, suffer. But here, we’ll tell you the ways that helped people to bounce back and cope after they have been scammed:

Ψ Grieve

Give yourself a period of time to feel the pain, process the details of what happened and express the emotions. Let it out. Let yourself not be okay. Let yourself hurt from the betrayal. This is not an event that can be swept under the carpet and “moved on” from within the blink of an eye. You’ve suffered a loss, and regardless of the magnitude of this loss, there will need to be some re-adjustment in your life, when you feel ready. Maybe one day, things will seem okay again. But for now, it’s okay that it feels like a lot has, and will change.

Grieving and coping with significant events in our lives is also easier when we find comfort and support in the people we trust. So while it is tempting to hide away in shame, we genuinely advise against doing so. Find the people you know you can open up to, be vulnerable with, and share the pain that you’re going through. The people who genuinely care for your well-being will not shame or reject you for what has happened. They would see if they could help or support you in some way, particularly if they see that you are already suffering.

Ψ Forgive yourself

But how? How can we forgive ourselves for our foolishness? Or for the role that we had to inadvertently play, to have fallen for a scam?

What is truly foolish, is believing that it was foolishness that made you fall for the scam, rather than the clever and manipulative tricks that scammers use to ensure you fall directly into the traps they set. The numbers don’t lie, and the scammers don’t discriminate. Anyone can fall for a scam.

In order to forgive yourself, you need a few elements:

Ψ Put things into perspective and check the facts: What truly happened? How did the scammer convince you that they were legitimate? What tricks did they use to deceive you? What made you fall for the tricks? Was there pressure or an emotion that pushed you to trust what was said?

Ψ Stop criticising yourself: Notice when you’re labelling, attacking and telling yourself that you “could have prevented it”. These coulds, shoulds and what ifs do little to help you in this moment now that things have happened. Plus, the facts would likely tell you that no matter your objections, the scammer would have tugged you back into their trap.

Ψ Craft a recovery plan: How will you try to cushion the loss you suffered? How will you try to cope emotionally or financially? A full recovery might not be possible, and that may hard to accept. However, some level of recovery can take place with time, effort, and taking achievable steps forward.

Ψ Be kinder to yourself: When the thought “I am stupid” or “this is my fault” comes up, challenge these thoughts with the facts, your strengths, what you care about, and what you are going to work on.

Ψ But don’t forget

Being scammed can tell us many things about ourselves, and what might motivate or push us to act in different moments. It often teaches us the importance of pausing, seeking and being open to advice and help, in being vigilant when handling our personal information, and even evaluating how we trust or analyse information and people.

These lessons can be valuable to many others in our lives, and may come in handy for ourselves again. We know it’s unlikely that you will forget, but can you turn this negative experience into something positive for yourself or others?

By processing and understanding your emotions, working on and restoring your confidence, you will eventually regain control of your life.

Supporting a Child with Incarcerated Parents

As such, it is imperative that these children be provided with well-rounded support so they can have the best possible developmental outcomes despite the challenges faced.

Here are some ways to support a child with an incarcerated parent

1. Visiting the incarcerated parent 

Most families endorse the idea that children should maintain contact with the incarcerated parent. Thus, if possible, support should be provided to facilitate communication between the parent and the child, allowing social ties to be maintained. This may take the form of:

Ψ Face to Face Visitations (link to Singapore Prisons Service)
Ψ Tele-Visitations

It is important that visitation takes place in a positive context (e.g., child-friendly, allowing physical contact between parent and child). Visitations that are “colder” and less welcoming tend to increase children’s distress instead. In cases where positive physical visitations are not viable, alternatives include letter-writing between the child and the incarcerated parent.  

2. Parenting Skills Training  

Providing incarcerated parents with training can also be helpful. Although there is no set curriculum for these training programs, most involve equipping parents with better parenting and communication skills. Parental training is most effective when combined with visitations and the opportunity for the incarcerated parent to practice what they have learnt. Undergoing such training has the added benefit of fostering a bond between the incarcerated parent and their family, as well as opens a channel for parental involvement.  

3. Mentoring 

Mentors can help alleviate the challenges associated with having an incarcerated parent by providing a mature figure whom children can trust, confide in, depend on, and learn from. Consequently, mentored children benefit both socially and emotionally (e.g., improved social skills and self-esteem), but the current evidence suggests that there is no academic benefit attached to mentoring programs. 

It is important to note that the effectiveness of mentoring programs is highly dependent on how well-matched the mentor and mentee are. Matching mentees with mentors can be a challenging process — one study showed that one-third of mentees dropped out of the program within half a year. A mentee who does not match well with the mentor is likely to drop out from the program and will therefore be less likely to reap the benefits from mentoring. Research concerning the effectiveness of mentoring programs for children of incarcerated parents is currently mixed.

In conclusion…

There are several methods to support a child with incarcerated parents. In Singapore, Kids in Play (KIP) by the Salvation Army and Friends of Children & Youth (FOCY) by Life Community Services Society provide supportive services for children with incarcerated parents. These support services use a mixture of the aforementioned methods.  

It is important to support children with incarcerated parents because these experiences and its associated challenges can have adverse effects on a child’s mental health. Without support, children face heightened risk of mental health outcomes, which may manifest in behavioural and emotional difficulties.

As an added bonus, visiting an incarcerated parent also helps the parent through their own journey in incarceration and improving rehabilitative outcomes!