Fertility Stress in Men: Causes and Coping

Fertility Stress in Men: Breaking the Stigma and Finding Support

Many men who face fertility challenges remain silent. Not because they’re unaffected, but because they’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that their emotions don’t matter. That they shouldn’t talk about it. That masculinity means strength, and strength means never struggling.

But the truth is this: struggling to conceive can affect men deeply.

It can challenge your sense of self, your confidence, and your relationship. It can bring shame, frustration, and a grief that’s hard to name.

Why Men Often Grieve in Private   

In many cultures, men are raised to fix problems, not talk about them. Fertility difficulties, then, feel like something unfixable. Something that makes you feel helpless. That helplessness often gets internalised as failure or weakness.

You might find yourself thinking:

Ψ “I’m not enough.”
Ψ “I should be stronger than this.”
Ψ “Why can’t I just cope and move on?”

These thoughts are common. But they’re not fair or realistic.

How Fertility Stress Affects Men

Stress related to fertility doesn’t just live in your head. It can affect your body, mood, sex drive, and energy. Research shows that chronic stress may interfere with testosterone levels, sperm quality, and libido, creating a cycle of anxiety and shame.

Fertility-related stress can also:

Ψ Cause irritability, withdrawal, or emotional numbness
Ψ Trigger sleep difficulties and reduced motivation
Ψ Lead to tension in relationships, especially when both partners are grieving differently

This kind of distress is real. And can be managed.

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Managing Fertility Stress: What Helps  

1. Name what you’re feeling

Suppressing emotions may seem like the strong thing to do, but it often makes stress louder. Instead, try giving your experience a name: grief, anger, shame, frustration.

You don’t need to say it all perfectly. Try starting with:

Ψ “I didn’t think this would hit me so hard.”
Ψ “I feel useless, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

Naming an emotion is the first step in loosening its grip.

2. Talk to your partner: More than just the plan, but also the pain

Men often go into “solution mode” during fertility struggles. But emotional connection matters more than quick fixes.

You might say:

Ψ “I don’t know how to fix this, but I want us to get through it together.”
Ψ “I feel like I’m supposed to be the strong one, but I’m struggling too. Let’s try and figure this out together.”

These conversations can feel vulnerable. But they build closeness, not weakness. Your partner might even appreciate the fact that you don’t seem as “okay” as you appear, as that could validate their own struggles.

3. Challenge Old Beliefs

Thoughts like “If I were man enough, this wouldn’t happen” or “Needing help makes me weak” are echoes of old messages, not truths.

Try cognitive reframing to challenge them:

Ψ “Struggling makes me human, not less of a man.”
Ψ “Getting support is taking responsibility for my wellbeing.”

4. Redefine strength

True strength isn’t silence. It’s about your resilience, honesty, and connection. Fertility challenges don’t define your worth, and speaking up doesn’t make you weak.

Ask yourself:

Ψ What kind of man do I want to be in this season?
Ψ What kind of compassion or support would I hope to receive from others?
Ψ How can I show up for myself with that same compassion?

There’s More to You and Life

Fertility stress can shake your confidence in ways you didn’t expect. It’s not a measure of masculinity but a sign of how deeply you care about your future and your family.

You don’t have to carry this weight alone. If fertility stress is affecting your mental health or relationships, reaching out for professional support can make a difference.

Understanding Trauma Responses and How to Heal

In response, our brains and bodies develop automatic mechanisms to protect us—these are known as trauma responses.

These reactions often happen reflexively, without conscious choice. While they may have helped us survive in the past, trauma responses can disrupt daily life, relationships, and emotional well-being if left unaddressed.

What Are Trauma Responses?

Trauma responses are instinctive reactions to perceived danger. These reactions are shaped by the brain’s effort to keep us safe based on past threats. Even long after the threat is gone, these responses can remain activated, especially in people who have experienced ongoing or complex trauma.

The 4 Trauma Response Types: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

Ψ Fight Response

The fight response is characterised by confrontation. This can manifest as irritability, defensiveness, or aggression. While it may appear rooted in anger, it’s often driven by fear and the need to regain control in threatening situations.

Helpful in true danger, but may cause interpersonal conflict when over-activated.

Ψ Flight Response

The flight response involves escape. It may look like avoiding conflict, overworking, or feeling the urge to leave situations that feel overwhelming, whether it’s physically or emotionally.

Flight offers protection, but constant avoidance can limit connection and growth.

Ψ Freeze Response

Like a deer in headlights, the freeze response involves shutting down. You might feel numb, detached, or stuck, unable to speak or move. This mental “pause” helps the brain cope by disconnecting from the moment.

May delay healing if emotions remain unprocessed or repressed.

Ψ Fawn Response

The fawn response is the least talked about. It involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. People who fawn may over-apologise, struggle with boundaries, or place others’ needs before their own to maintain safety and approval.

Over time, this leads to emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relationships.

Common Signs of Trauma in Daily Life

Even when the traumatic event is long past, trauma responses can continue to affect how we think, feel, and relate to others.

Ψ Hypervigilance

A state of constant alertness and scanning for danger even when none exists. This may cause overreactions in situations that feel “normal” to others.

Ψ Emotional Dysregulation

Difficulty managing emotions. You may shut down, feel numb, lash out, or experience intense mood swings without clear triggers.

Ψ Negative Self-Perception

People with unresolved trauma often internalise harmful self-beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable”). These aren’t facts, but echoes of how others treated them.

Ψ Difficulty Trusting Others

Trauma can create a deep-rooted fear of rejection or betrayal, leading to withdrawal, isolation, or fear of intimacy, even when connection is desired.

How to Heal from Trauma: Steps Toward Recovery

Understanding your trauma is the first step toward healing. Here are small but meaningful ways to start your journey.

Ψ Try Grounding & Breathing Exercises

Techniques like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method bring you back to the present when anxiety or panic sets in.

Ψ Journal to Process Emotions

Journalling helps you organise thoughts, release built-up tension, and track your healing journey over time.

Ψ Practise Restorative Self-Care

Prioritise rest, nourishment, and comfort. This may include spending time in nature, engaging in hobbies, or simply taking breaks when needed.

When to See a Psychologist for Trauma Support

You don’t have to heal alone. A clinical psychologist can help you:

• Understand your trauma responses

• Rebuild a sense of safety and trust

• Learn healthy coping strategies

• Strengthen relationships and emotional resilience

Therapy provides a safe space to process trauma without judgment and develop practical tools to support your mental health long-term.

Final Thoughts

Healing from trauma isn’t linear. It’s okay if you take two steps forward and one step back. What matters is that you’re moving forward at your own pace with tools, awareness, and support.

If you’re ready to take that first step, reach out to our psychologists to begin your healing journey today.

Coping After Losing a Loved One to Suicide

You might be asking questions no one can answer. Or feeling emotions that seem to contradict each other: sadness, guilt, anger, even relief, and then guilt again for feeling relief. It’s common. And it doesn’t make you a bad person. Or a bad friend, partner, or sibling.

Grieving after suicide is different. Let’s talk about how to survive it, piece by piece.

Ψ Give space to complicated feelings

You may notice your emotions shifting rapidly. Shock, regret, rage, deep sorrow, numbness. Grief after suicide rarely feels linear.

This is partly because suicide loss carries what we call disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn’t always openly acknowledged. People don’t know what to say. They avoid the topic altogether. That silence can make you feel even more alone in your pain.

It helps to name what you’re feeling, even just to yourself.

“I’m furious and I miss them.”

“I feel guilty, even though I know it’s not my fault.”

These are complex truths, and they can coexist.

Ψ Let go of the urge to find a neat explanation

After suicide, the mind often goes into detective mode: Was there a clue I missed? Was there something I could have done?

This kind of thinking is natural. It’s a way our brain tries to regain control after something that feels senseless.

But suicide is almost never the result of a single moment, or a single failure. It’s often the culmination of prolonged internal distress that the person may have hidden well. Hindsight can make things look clearer than they ever were at the time.

Guilt and responsibility are heavy burdens to carry but they’re not the same as truth. Acknowledge the desire to believe that you could have done more. But remind yourself it is not realistic.

Ψ Stay connected, especially when you want to withdraw

Grief has a way of isolating us. You may feel like no one could possibly understand, or that it’s easier to stay quiet. But staying connected, even in small ways, is protective.

Talk to someone who can sit with your pain without rushing to fix it. It may be a friend, a therapist, or someone in a support group who’s walked this road too.

If words are hard, you can start with presence. Sit beside someone. Share a cup of tea. Let yourself be around people who make space for you as you are.

 Ψ Engage in rituals that help you make meaning

When someone dies by suicide, there is often no goodbye, no closure. You might be left with unsaid words or unresolved hurt.

Creating your own rituals can help bridge that gap. You might write a letter, light a candle, revisit a shared place, or do something they once loved doing. These are ways of continuing bonds, something grief researchers have found can help the healing process.

Remembering the whole person, their humour, their kindness, their struggles, can help shift your focus from how they died to how they lived.

Ψ Notice how grief is showing up in your body

Grief doesn’t just affect your thoughts. It can show up physically. Fatigue, heaviness in your chest, disrupted sleep or appetite changes.

It’s okay to rest more. To eat simple meals. To let yourself do less.

Some people find movement helpful, like short walks, stretches, even just stepping outside for a few minutes. Others find comfort in breathing exercises or grounding techniques (like naming what you see, hear, and feel in the present).

Caring for your body while grieving isn’t about “fixing” anything. It’s about creating small moments of safety, or “normalcy”.

Ψ If the grief becomes too heavy

Sometimes, especially with traumatic or sudden loss, the pain can tip into despair. You might find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts you didn’t expect, or a numbness that feels frightening.

If this happens, please reach out. Call a helpline. Speak to a psychologist. Let someone know that it’s too much right now.

You don’t have to wait until you're “really struggling”. There’s no threshold of suffering you need to meet before you ask for support.

What healing might look like, eventually…

You may not believe this now, but the pain won’t always feel this raw. Over time, many people find that their relationship with the loss changes.

You may begin to remember with more warmth than pain. You may speak their name again. You may laugh without guilt. These are not signs you’ve “moved on”. They’re signs you’re learning to live alongside the loss.

Grief is not something to “get over”. It’s something you live with. And in that living, you can still find joy, meaning and connection.

If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide and are struggling to cope, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

You are surviving something deeply painful. And you deserve care through it. Let us know if you need a listening ear.

Trauma Anniversaries: How to Understand and Cope

Trauma anniversaries can be a result of private (e.g. sexual assault, domestic violence or childhood abuse) or public trauma (e.g. natural disasters, terrorist attacks or political violence). Whether private or public, trauma anniversaries can stir up intense emotions and symptoms. These reactions are normal, and they are known as anniversary reactions.   

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Why do trauma anniversaries occur? 

Trauma affects both our minds and bodies. When a traumatic event occurs, our body activates its fight, flight, or freeze response to protect us from the overwhelming danger. When this trauma is not fully processed, this survival response becomes overactive. Resultingly, cues that remind us of the traumatic event can trigger this intense reaction, even when there is no real threat.  

As the trauma anniversary nears, we may feel more on edge as our body reacts to perceived threats. These cues can be internal, such as emotional or physical states (i.e. feeling the same emotions or bodily sensations felt during the trauma). Cues can also be external, such as time-based (i.e. seasonal changes, time of year) or environmental triggers (i.e. sights, sounds, smells). Encountering a cue can activate the body’s survival response and can leave you feeling anxious, nervous or scared. 

However, these trauma reminders are not always negative. In some cases, they can support the healing process. For example, the anniversary of a loss may bring memories of a loved one and offer space to process your grief more deeply. Media coverage of a public tragedy can also rally survivors together and facilitate community support. 

For trauma anniversary signs in children and how to support them, check out our parenting guide.

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Trauma Anniversary Symptoms  

Trauma anniversaries can often make PTSD symptoms worse. You may experience feelings of self-judgement and question “Why am I still bothered by this?”. Or you may face anticipation anxiety, dreading the day for fear you will struggle.  

Other common symptoms include: 

• Reliving the event 

• Most common symptom  

• Re-experiencing the feelings, bodily responses and thoughts that occurred during the trauma  

• Avoidance  

• Avoidance of anything related to the traumatic event (i.e. people, places, objects) 

• Negative changes in beliefs and feelings  

• Old thoughts or feelings of guilt or shame may return  

• Daily mood affected (e.g. sad, anxious, nervous)  

• Affects how they relate to others (i.e. friends and family) 

• Feeling “on edge” (hyperarousal) 

• Constantly feeling jittery, nervous or worried  

• Difficulties sleeping or having nightmares  

• More reactive to small triggers (i.e. irritable, easy to anger) 

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How can we feel better? 

Over time, the distress will become less frequent and less intense. Most people start to feel better within a week or two after the anniversary of the traumatic event. While symptoms can feel overwhelming, there are effective strategies to help you cope.  

1. Caring for Your Physical Health  

Your physical health pays a big role in your mental well-being. A balanced diet, regular exercise and sufficient rest is especially important when dealing with trauma anniversaries, as they help regulate emotions and build emotional resilience. 

Exercise releases endorphins, commonly known as “happy hormones” that reduce anxiety and boost our mood. What you eat can significantly impact your mood. So, eating nutrient-rich foods can ensure your energy levels are stable and improve your feelings of anxiety, fatigue or irritability. Lastly, rest is crucial in facilitating recovery from trauma. Sleep helps restore your brain function, regulates your moods and calms your nervous system. Rest is not a luxury; it’s a necessity when coping with anniversary trauma.  

2. Lean on your loved ones 

When facing something as heavy as trauma, it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, seen and supported. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, listen without judgement and show genuine concern. Remember, you are not alone! When trauma anniversary symptoms surface, reach out to someone you trust to get support. 

3. Journalling  

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to reduce your anniversary trauma symptoms. Writing it down can help you acknowledge and process all the complex emotions you may be feeling. It can express emotions or thoughts that are too hard to say out loud, providing an outlet to reduce emotional overwhelm and facilitate healing.  

4. Try Calming Exercises  

Heart pounding, hands shaking and thoughts racing – when our survival response takes over, it can be difficult to steady ourselves admists the overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness exercises can help bring awareness to our emotions, calm our nervous system, and reground us to the present.  

5. Seek Professional Help 

Trauma is not something to dismiss or minimise. When left unaddressed, it can become deeply rooted and lead to serious mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. Sometimes, self-care alone is not enough – and that is okay! There is no shame in asking for help. Just like how you would visit a doctor when your body’s not feeling well, it can be helpful to visit a mental health professional if you have been struggling with your mental health. Therapists, counsellors and psychologists are trained to create a safe space where you feel supported, understood and heard. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do for yourself. 

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Anniversary trauma and the distressing feelings, thoughts and physical symptoms it brings can be incredibly difficult to face. Navigating trauma can sometimes feel like an endless dark tunnel. But take heart – healing is possible. Lean on those who love you and be patient with yourself.  

Healing is never linear. Every small step forward makes all the difference to recovery. 

Supporting a Loved One Who Fell for a Scam

As they share their stories, you might try to make sense of what happened. How could they trust a stranger? There might be the urge to question and comment on how they could be fall for a scam. 

But Hold On.... 

Chances are, they already knew the warning signs. They probably read the news about scammers and the victims too. Yet, scams are designed to outsmart even the savviest people. We know that you care and want to help, but a lecture isn’t what they need now. They need your understanding, empathy, and support at this moment to help them process. 

So, How Do I Approach This? 

The best way to approach this is to guide the conversation gently and constructively. This means just being there to help them process their experience, offering emotional reassurance, and figuring out practical steps to move forward together.  

Start by understanding what happened without rushing into solutions. 

Ψ Show Your Genuine Care and Curiosity 

Your loved one might not feel ready to share everything immediately. They could feel hesitant, withdrawn, or even overwhelmed after the incident. Scams often leave victims feeling vulnerable, so it’s understandable why they might feel so. 

You can help create a safe and judgement-free space by asking open-ended and neutral questions. For example: 

• “How are you feeling now?” 

• “Do you want to tell me more about it? 

Rather than asking them questions on how the scam happened (we know you’re curious!), give them space to share what they want, when they are ready. This shows that you genuinely care and are willing to give them room to share at their own pace. Remember to be patient, let them lead the conversation, and avoid pushing for answers. 

Ψ Recognise and Validate Their Emotions 

Once they begin to share, let them know their feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel embarrassed, angry, guilty, or devastated. These emotions are a natural response to a difficult experience. 

Here are some useful phrases: 

• “It’s completely normal to feel upset about this. If this happens to me, I will feel the same too.” 

• “This doesn’t define you—scammers are incredibly skilled at tricking people.” 

• “You’re not alone. It happens to so many people, and it’s not your fault.” 

 By validating their emotions without judgment, you help ease the weight of shame or guilt they might be carrying. 

Ψ Clarify the Details (Gently) 

Victims of scams often face self-blame and shame. It would be completely normal for them to feel an array of thoughts and emotions. Gentle questions allow them to process the incident and all that has happened.  

You can start off by asking “Do you want to talk more about how the scam happened?” to assess if they are ready for the conversation. If they are, you could try asking the following questions: 

• “Do you remember what they said or did to convince you?” 

• “Did they provide any links, documents, profiles or phone numbers?” 

• “What kind of payment were they asking for, and how did you make it?” 

It’s okay if they don’t remember every detail or aren’t ready to share everything. The goal is to provide clarity without pressuring them. 

How Can I Help Them Now? 

Victims are often left feeling helpless or unsure of what to do next. You can find out if any steps have been taken and their current priority. Some questions you can use are: 

• “How can I help you now?” 

• “Have you contacted your bank?”  

• “Do you need me to accompany you to make a report?” 

If they’re open to it, you could guide them through the steps of: 

• Reporting the scam on ScamShield or the Singapore Police Force

• Contacting their bank to secure their accounts 

• Reminding them to update their passwords to ensure account safety 

If they feel emotionally distressed, consider suggesting or practicing coping strategies with them. 

Ψ Mindfulness: The S.T.O.P Technique 

Victims often dwell on the past (how they were scammed) or worry about the future (what to do next). This technique helps them focus on the present: 

S - “Stop what we are doing for a moment.” 

T - “Take deep, mindful breaths together.” 

O - “Observe your thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations (e.g., tension in the shoulder, chest tightness).” 

P - “Proceed with what we can do next (e.g., address emotions, take practical steps or plan for the future etc.)” 

Ψ Journaling 

Encourage them to journal as a way to externalise their thoughts and process their emotions. They might start by acknowledging their experience, such as “I have been scammed, and I feel angry”. They can then write about what’s on their mind and reflect on questions like, “What would I say to a friend who went through this?” and “How can I be kinder to myself?” 

Ψ Guide Them to Professional Help 

Continue to check-in regularly to see how they’re coping. If the emotional or financial aftermath feels too overwhelming, suggest seeking professional support. For financial concerns, finding a support group with individuals in similar situations can provide a sense of solidarity. By doing so, it is a sign of strength and a journey towards recovery. 

For emotional and psychological concerns, if self-help strategies don’t seem to be enough, it might be better to seek professional help from a psychologist or counsellor. These professionals can help them process any trauma or distress caused by the scam and offer tools to rebuild confidence, manage anxiety, and navigate the healing process.  

For a deeper understanding of how to navigate this phase, they can explore more resources on How to Cope with Being Scammed (link).  

Don’t Forget About Yourself 

Supporting a loved one after they’ve been scammed can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to shoulder the burden alone. Scammers exploit emotions, and the responsibility for their actions is not yours to bear. If the situation feels too heavy, lean on someone you trust—a friend, family member, or professional to process your feelings of frustration, anxiety, or helplessness. 

By prioritising your well-being, you’ll be in a better position to support your loved one. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. 

Video link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOPz4_ryviE  

10 Habits of People Living with C-PTSD

As a form of protection to themselves, they may cope in the following ways. 

1. Isolating Themselves  

Withdrawing from others gives them a sense of safety and security. Avoiding people, objects or situations that remind them of the traumatic event and trigger painful memories prevents them from feeling anxious. 

2. Emotional Detachment  

In addition to physical isolation, they may also emotionally detach themselves from others. This detachment helps them avoid questions or conversations from concerned well-wishers, families and friends that could unintentionally result in them revisiting the traumatic experience. 

3. Over-accommodating Others 

When interaction with others is unavoidable, those with C-PTSD may exhibit a tendency to people-please. They prioritise others needs over their own, going out of their way to ensure that others are cared for – often at the expense of their own well-being. 

4. Hyperarousal or “Always being on-guard” 

Those with C-PTSD often experience hyperarousal, which is a heightened state of alertness. They may constantly feel a sense of threat, so they stay ready to fight or flee at any moment. Even minor occurrences such as a sudden noise or movement could startle them.  

5. Poor Sleep Hygiene 

Being in a constant state of vigilance or “fight-or-flight” mode can cause sleep interferences as the body struggles to calm its nervous system. Many struggle with falling or staying asleep and may feel perpetually tired as a result.

To cope with the sleep difficulties, some individuals may turn to excesses, such as exercise, work, substance/alcohol use, etc, as elaborated further below. While helpful in the short-run, these sleep strategies lead to further implications in the individuals in the long-run.

6. Suppressing Emotions 

Not only do persons with C-PTSD avoid expressing their emotions, but they may also actively try and block out their emotions. This acts as a defense mechanism, preventing themselves from having to relive the experience.  

7. Irritability and Emotional Reactivity 

Persons with C-PTSD may experience heightened anxiety levels and feel irritable, causing them to lash out at others. These feelings of anxiety can be very distressing, and so additional stressors, however small they may seem, can cause one to feel angry or unpleasant. Constant irritableness can also impact interpersonal relationships, resulting in challenges in establishing and maintaining healthy connections with others.  

8. Persistent Self-Doubt 

Experiencing prolonged trauma – especially in situations where they were unable to protect or advocate for themselves – can cause individuals to lose trust in their own judgement. This self-doubt can be deeply rooted, leading them to question their abilities, decisions and worth.

9. Self-destructive Behaviours 

To cope with feelings of anxiety or escape distressing and intrusive thoughts, some persons with C-PTSD may turn to harmful coping strategies such as substance use or self-harm. While these behaviours offer temporary relief, they often exacerbate the emotional pain in the long term. 

10. Overworking as a Distraction 

Often deemed as workaholics, those with C-PTSD may get into the habit of overworking themselves to distract themselves from their trauma. While this may seem productive, working excessively can become a form of avoidance, preventing them from processing their emotional experiences, putting them at risk of burnout. 

These behaviours are common coping mechanisms exhibited by persons suffering from C-PTSD. While they may help individuals get through the day, they do not directly address the root causes of C-PTSD. If you or a loved one are struggling with any of these patterns, support from a mental health professional can be a crucial step toward healing and long-term recovery.   

Written by Yi Ling and our Associate Psychologist