Breaking the Cycle: How to Overcome Trauma Bonding

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser. 

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond 

1. We deny all the red flags.

   We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.  
   
   

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions. 

   “She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.  

   “I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.  
   

   Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.  
   
   

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.  

   Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.  
   
   

4. We cut off the people who try to help. 

   We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree. 

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7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

1. Love-bombing 

   The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need. 
   
   

2. Developing Trust and Dependency 

   At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?  
   
   

3. Criticism

   Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.  
   
   

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting 

   “You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.  
   
   

5. Resignation and Giving Up 

   Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway. 
   
   

6. Loss of Self 

   We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were. 
   
   

7. Obsession

   In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.  

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What to Do to Break the Bond 

• Recognise the trauma bond 

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through. 

• Leave the relationship (safely) 

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.  

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, we’re guided to challenge beliefs told to us by the abuser. In the process, we also learn to better manage difficult emotions or situations.  

Consider these helplines:

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 

• Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

Why Someone Rubs You the Wrong Way

This person could be a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a family member. There is always something about them, whether it's the way they speak, behave, or simply their mere presence, that makes you feel irritable.

But why is this the case? 

Different Values 

Values drive our actions, perceptions, and essentially every aspect of our lives. When two people with different values, or even opposing values, come together, clashes and conflicts can become inevitable. We must invest extra effort in regulating our emotions and managing our expectations in such situations. However, as time passes, it may become increasingly challenging to tolerate these differences. For example, consider someone who highly values punctuality meeting with someone who has a more relaxed approach to time. Being late once might be tolerable, but a consistent pattern of lateness can gradually wear down the person who values punctuality, making them increasingly irritable over time. 

Different Personality 

Apart from values, personality is another factor that might play a role here. Introverts and extroverts are probably two of the most common personalities known. Introverts are those who prefer solitary and low-stimulation environments, while extroverts are those who prefer social interaction and enjoy external stimuli. When people with these two different personalities meet, clashes could potentially happen. On one hand, introverts may feel overwhelmed by extroverts' social demands, and on the other hand, extroverts may feel that introverts are aloof or uninterested. 

Past Experiences 

Our life experiences shape our perceptions. If we've had a bad experience with an insurance agent, it's possible that when we encounter another insurance agent in the future, we might already have a negative impression of them before knowing much about them. When we meet someone who shares similar characteristics with those whom we had unpleasant experiences with in the past, they can easily rub us the wrong way even without doing anything. 

Conflicting Goals 

One simple example to illustrate this is by looking at football fans. I believe most of us have come across news where rival football fans were fighting or involved in violent clashes. Two different groups of individuals with different goals. When this occurs, or in cases where someone obstructs us from achieving our goals, it is natural for us to view them as enemies. 

There are various reasons that could contribute to why someone rubs us the wrong way, but there is probably one simple antidote to it, which is by being mindful. Being mindful of how our behaviours or perceptions are affected by our values, personalities, experiences, and goals allows us to be aware of our thinking and behaviour and gain better control of our actions.  

5 hygiene hacks when a shower is just too much

Showering can feel like a daunting task. Mentally, we’re drained, so it’s not a priority. But we need to clean ourselves for the sake of our physical health. Not only is showering a part of basic hygiene, but it can also improve our self-esteem and even help us relax. The next time a shower is too much for you, try any of these 5 hacks. 

1. Take a seat 

We don’t have to be standing in the shower! Try using a stool or shower seat. Make sure everything – soaps and showerhead - is within arm’s reach. 

2. Set the mood 

Taking a shower may not be something we look forward to. Try pairing it with something fun, like watching your favourite drama. Lying in bed with your phone? Turn on your shower playlist first, and sing along while you soap up.  

3. Take baby steps  

Undressing can feel like the biggest first step of the shower. If you’re not ready, keep your clothes on. Start by washing your face, or washing your hair over the sink. Smaller steps are still steps in the right direction! 

4. Take the shortcut sometimes 

When getting into the shower is too impossible, go for alternatives. Opt for dry shampoo and wet wipes, and use a leave-in conditioner. 

5. Set a goal 

Set a goal for the week. Whether it is taking one full shower or just washing your hair, make it a point to work towards that goal. Reward yourself with a treat after you have accomplished it. You can even get a friend to keep you accountable. 

Taking a shower is a form of self-care. Let’s remember to celebrate the little steps we took – whether it was washing our faces, turning on the shower head, or taking a whole shower! 

20 Questions to Ask After a BPD Diagnosis

Gone, is that feeling of uncertainty, that uneasiness of “just what is wrong with me?”. We may experience relief from now having a label to describe our experiences, or perhaps feel sombre over being different. It is okay to allow ourselves some time to breathe and to feel our emotions.  

Once calmed, the thought may then occur to us, “What’s next? What do I need to know? What should I ask?”

Here are 20 questions that may prove useful: 

Clarification of diagnosis 

1. What does “borderline” mean?

2. Why is it called a “personality disorder”? Am I a bad person? 

3. What symptoms of BPD do I display? 

4. Could there be other diagnoses with similar symptoms? Are we certain I have BPD? 

5. Do I have any comorbidities? 

Learning

6. Was I born with this? How did I get this?

7. Do you have any tips for managing my symptoms and feelings? 

8. Do you have any recommended resources that would help me better understand BPD?

9. Do you know of any support group that I can join? 

10. Are there films or books about BPD that I may be able to relate to? 

11. How should I tell my loved ones about this?

12. How can I tell if someone still loves me?

13. Will this affect my relationships?

14. Will this impact my professional career?

15. Is there anything I should avoid? 

Treatment 

16. Is this curable? 

17. Are there any medications that may help? What are the side effects?

18. What is the most effective treatment? 

19. When will I get better? 

20. Is it possible to relapse? 

It has likely taken bravery and effort on our part to seek professional assessment, and we should give ourselves a pat on the back. Similarly, the road to recovery may seem arduous and daunting, but let us once again find the courage to persevere, so that we may better enjoy relationships with others.