Why Someone Rubs You the Wrong Way

This person could be a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a family member. There is always something about them, whether it's the way they speak, behave, or simply their mere presence, that makes you feel irritable.

But why is this the case? 

Different Values 

Values drive our actions, perceptions, and essentially every aspect of our lives. When two people with different values, or even opposing values, come together, clashes and conflicts can become inevitable. We must invest extra effort in regulating our emotions and managing our expectations in such situations. However, as time passes, it may become increasingly challenging to tolerate these differences. For example, consider someone who highly values punctuality meeting with someone who has a more relaxed approach to time. Being late once might be tolerable, but a consistent pattern of lateness can gradually wear down the person who values punctuality, making them increasingly irritable over time. 

Different Personality 

Apart from values, personality is another factor that might play a role here. Introverts and extroverts are probably two of the most common personalities known. Introverts are those who prefer solitary and low-stimulation environments, while extroverts are those who prefer social interaction and enjoy external stimuli. When people with these two different personalities meet, clashes could potentially happen. On one hand, introverts may feel overwhelmed by extroverts' social demands, and on the other hand, extroverts may feel that introverts are aloof or uninterested. 

Past Experiences 

Our life experiences shape our perceptions. If we've had a bad experience with an insurance agent, it's possible that when we encounter another insurance agent in the future, we might already have a negative impression of them before knowing much about them. When we meet someone who shares similar characteristics with those whom we had unpleasant experiences with in the past, they can easily rub us the wrong way even without doing anything. 

Conflicting Goals 

One simple example to illustrate this is by looking at football fans. I believe most of us have come across news where rival football fans were fighting or involved in violent clashes. Two different groups of individuals with different goals. When this occurs, or in cases where someone obstructs us from achieving our goals, it is natural for us to view them as enemies. 

There are various reasons that could contribute to why someone rubs us the wrong way, but there is probably one simple antidote to it, which is by being mindful. Being mindful of how our behaviours or perceptions are affected by our values, personalities, experiences, and goals allows us to be aware of our thinking and behaviour and gain better control of our actions.  

5 hygiene hacks when a shower is just too much

Showering can feel like a daunting task. Mentally, we’re drained, so it’s not a priority. But we need to clean ourselves for the sake of our physical health. Not only is showering a part of basic hygiene, but it can also improve our self-esteem and even help us relax. The next time a shower is too much for you, try any of these 5 hacks. 

1. Take a seat 

We don’t have to be standing in the shower! Try using a stool or shower seat. Make sure everything – soaps and showerhead - is within arm’s reach. 

2. Set the mood 

Taking a shower may not be something we look forward to. Try pairing it with something fun, like watching your favourite drama. Lying in bed with your phone? Turn on your shower playlist first, and sing along while you soap up.  

3. Take baby steps  

Undressing can feel like the biggest first step of the shower. If you’re not ready, keep your clothes on. Start by washing your face, or washing your hair over the sink. Smaller steps are still steps in the right direction! 

4. Take the shortcut sometimes 

When getting into the shower is too impossible, go for alternatives. Opt for dry shampoo and wet wipes, and use a leave-in conditioner. 

5. Set a goal 

Set a goal for the week. Whether it is taking one full shower or just washing your hair, make it a point to work towards that goal. Reward yourself with a treat after you have accomplished it. You can even get a friend to keep you accountable. 

Taking a shower is a form of self-care. Let’s remember to celebrate the little steps we took – whether it was washing our faces, turning on the shower head, or taking a whole shower! 

20 Questions to Ask After a BPD Diagnosis

Gone, is that feeling of uncertainty, that uneasiness of “just what is wrong with me?”. We may experience relief from now having a label to describe our experiences, or perhaps feel sombre over being different. It is okay to allow ourselves some time to breathe and to feel our emotions.  

Once calmed, the thought may then occur to us, “What’s next? What do I need to know? What should I ask?”

Here are 20 questions that may prove useful: 

Clarification of diagnosis 

1. What does “borderline” mean?

2. Why is it called a “personality disorder”? Am I a bad person? 

3. What symptoms of BPD do I display? 

4. Could there be other diagnoses with similar symptoms? Are we certain I have BPD? 

5. Do I have any comorbidities? 

Learning

6. Was I born with this? How did I get this?

7. Do you have any tips for managing my symptoms and feelings? 

8. Do you have any recommended resources that would help me better understand BPD?

9. Do you know of any support group that I can join? 

10. Are there films or books about BPD that I may be able to relate to? 

11. How should I tell my loved ones about this?

12. How can I tell if someone still loves me?

13. Will this affect my relationships?

14. Will this impact my professional career?

15. Is there anything I should avoid? 

Treatment 

16. Is this curable? 

17. Are there any medications that may help? What are the side effects?

18. What is the most effective treatment? 

19. When will I get better? 

20. Is it possible to relapse? 

It has likely taken bravery and effort on our part to seek professional assessment, and we should give ourselves a pat on the back. Similarly, the road to recovery may seem arduous and daunting, but let us once again find the courage to persevere, so that we may better enjoy relationships with others.

Does High Functioning PTSD Exist?

However, some people who experienced trauma may seem like they’re doing just fine. That leads us to the question – does high functioning PTSD (HF-PTSD) exist? 

The answer is yes! While they could seem successful in many areas of their lives, those with HF-PTSD are not living at the optimal. In fact, they struggle internally and are coping through pain. Breakdowns or burnouts are likely to happen with a matter of time.  

Coping methods by those with HF-PTSD 

People with HF-PTSD are likely to cope by blocking out memories of their trauma. They avoid situations and people that remind them of their traumatic experiences. Doing so makes them look “perfectly okay”. While feeling constantly on-edge, they try to ignore the negatives. Instead, they work hard to excel at their work, relationships and other responsibilities. These distract them from the trauma and its effects.  

Healing the trauma 

While seemingly functioning well, living with HF-PTSD is not ideal. Without treatment, one could reach a breaking point. The following strategies can be used in the healing process.  

1. Talking to someone 

Having a listening ear that does not judge can help one feel supported throughout the healing process. It is useful to have an emotionally and physically safe space that gives us opportunities to express our emotions.  

2. Therapy 

Going to therapy is a good option for those with HF-PTSD. The therapist might use the following methods: 

a. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) 

During EMDR, the client is guided to recall the traumatic event they experienced. At the same time, they emphasize positive beliefs like “I had put in my best effort”. This helps the brain come to terms with their negative experiences.  

b. Exposure Therapy 

People with HF-PTSD frequently avoid people and places that remind them of trauma. Exposure therapy, like its name suggests, exposes the client to these reminders. They learn to cope with their feelings of anxiety.  

c. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, unhealthy thoughts are identified and challenged to change behaviour. This helps the client makes sense of the traumatic event and deal with challenges in a more adaptive way.  

HF-PTSD is a real condition that you or people around you may be dealing with. While sharing the emotional burden with someone can be helpful, the best form of treatment is to seek guidance from mental health professionals.  

A Guide to Healing from Parentification

If you identify with any of the above, you might be a parentified child. 

What is Parentification? 

Parentification occurs when a child assumes the role of the parent. A parentified child is robbed of a carefree childhood and takes on hefty responsibilities that are inappropriate for their age. In adulthood, you might learn to only trust and rely on yourself, which hinders you from forming healthy relationships. 

Types of Parentification 

Ψ Instrumental Parentification

This is when a child takes on the physical and tangible duties of the parents. They might take care of their younger siblings, pay the bills or care for a loved one with a disability or an addiction.

Ψ Emotional Parentification

This is when a child provides emotional support for their parents. The parentified child might feel responsible in providing a listening ear or comfort and advice to their parents in times of distress. 

How to Heal from Parentification? 

Fortunately, it is possible to address the parentification trauma. Here are some tips to start embarking on your journey of recovering from parentification.  

Ψ Acknowledge your experience of being a parentified child.

Be open to speaking up about your trauma. Accept the reality of a loss childhood and the repercussions it may have in your adulthood. Allow yourself to feel and process the grief and anger. 

Ψ Explore your needs and prioritise them.

Reconnect with your inner child and explore these needs. You might need love, attention, or the freedom to play. You are now your own parent and have control over your needs. As a child, you might have missed out on activities that were meant for children. It might be difficult to put yourself first, but you can try with small steps. Start by spending time with friends, listening to music, meditating, or anything that makes you happy! 

Ψ Cultivate self-compassion.

As parentification is covert and insidious, it often goes unnoticed. This does not mean that your feelings are any less justified. Don’t be too critical of yourself; understand that it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could have done better as an innocent child. Tell yourself “I am sorry for what you had to go through, and I love you”. 

Ψ Learn to establish healthy boundaries.

Growing up with parents who push your boundaries might impair your ability to establish healthy boundaries. To set boundaries, be clear and direct to avoid miscommunication. While being polite, don’t feel apologetic for wanting to meet your own needs; remember that self-care is not selfish. 

It takes time and patience to allow yourself to heal. Our childhood wounds do not define us, and you deserve to have your needs taken care of. If you need support, feel free to reach out to our team of psychologists.