How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Colleagues

But what exactly is passive aggressiveness? 

Passive aggressiveness occurs when a person harbors negative feelings towards an individual and expresses those feelings in an indirectly harmful manner.

A person may feel negative feelings such as anger or jealousy, but instead of communicating honestly, they mask their emotions through indirect hostility.

These are some examples of displays of passive aggressiveness at the workplace: 

• The silent treatment 

• Chronically procrastinating on tasks 

• Intentionally neglecting their share of the workload or shirking responsibilities as a form of “retaliation” 

• Withholding information 

• Disguised insults and non-compliments 

• Downplaying or ignoring other people’s achievements 

• Sarcasm 

• Spreading rumors 

• Being silent, sulky, sullen and resentful to get attention or sympathy 

Passive aggressive behaviors are usually not immediately recognizable as “aggression”. After all, it is easier to notice aggression when people lash out at you. However, in the workplace, such behaviors create a toxic workplace environment, which comes along with a host of negative consequences such as burnout and lowered morale. Considering all these negative consequences, it is therefore important for passive aggressiveness to be carefully and effectively dealt with.

How should I respond to a passive aggressive colleague?

Responding to a passive aggressive colleague is tough and a great deal of patience is usually needed. This often comes with a hefty amount of stress and anxiety on your end too. However, equipping yourself with these skills goes a long way in making you a more confident and effective person!

Ψ Remove the reward

With many kinds of behaviors, a person will be more likely to engage in an action again if it is met with reinforcement. In the context of workplace passive aggressiveness, if you respond to a colleague’s behavior by going tit for tat, your response may actually end up reinforcing that colleague’s behavior such that it becomes even more likely for them to engage in passive aggressive behaviors again.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to respond to provocations by similarly being sarcastic or saying “it’s fine” when it actually is not. However, doing so is unlikely to get you anywhere and may even further escalate the conflict by perpetuating the person’s bad behavior. Instead, try to focus on keeping cool so you will remain composed and not act impulsively. The best way to achieve this is by giving the person objective, emotionally neutral responses whenever appropriate. For example, instead of using “you”, use first-person pronouns such as “I”, “we”, and “our”.

Ψ Ensure that expectations and deadlines are clearly and explicitly set at the start of any task or project

This is a good habit to carry out regardless of whether you have a passive-aggressive colleague or not. After all, communication is key! Ensure that you communicate diligently and set crystal clear expectations on the scope, expectations, and deadlines of any given project. To do this, confirm any discussions that you have about deadlines and actions in writing, send follow-up emails after meetings, or draft a performance agreement.

When this occurs, reasons such as “I did not know” become less plausible and it increases behavioral accountability. By ensuring that all communication is clear and understood by everyone, a passive-aggressive colleague will have to take responsibility for their own actions and have fewer opportunities to blame others for their mistakes.

Ψ Try to adopt an empathetic approach and understand the reasons behind their actions  

Why is your colleague acting this way? Do they derive happiness from making others feel manipulated? It might be easy to simply write off their behaviors as being due to a nasty personality or intentionally being difficult. However, studies have found that passive aggressive behavior is often driven by deep seated fears of being rejected, a lack of self-esteem, as well as insecurity or as a maladaptive way of handling conflicts. When we take on an empathetic approach, this enables us to better understand why people act the way that they do, and to select a more appropriate means of responding.

Ψ Create a Safe Environment

Finally, foster an environment where your colleagues know that it is safe for them to raise concerns and issues with you in an open, direct, and constructive manner, rather than in covert ways. Let your colleagues know that they can always approach you if they are facing any problems rather than letting them bubble beneath the surface. 

Of course, you will have to walk the talk too! You can create an encouraging and supportive workplace culture by fostering genuine, positive relationships with your colleagues.

Should you have any concerns about the well-being of your work team or wish to further support your employees, our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) aims to help employees in Singapore, from staff to managers, manage work- and personal-related issues that may otherwise result in a negative impact on their emotional well-being and job performance.

12 Tips To Cope with a Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment

Learning that you have cancer is a difficult experience. After being diagnosed, it’s natural to feel anxious, numb or angry and wonder how you can live with the long and at times painful days ahead.

These are normal reactions to an abnormal, or otherwise, unexpected situation.

Furthermore, it can be hard to deal with the pain resulting from the symptoms or the side effects from cancer treatment, such as medication or chemotherapy.

Cancer treatments can bring about many changes in your body, altering the way you look and how you feel about yourself and your body. The demands of treatment could also influence your personal relationships, making it challenging to navigate your daily life and usual routines. Fortunately, remember that these are obstacles you do not have to face alone.

Here are some tips to help you cope with the diagnosis: 

Ψ Learn as much as you can about your cancer diagnosis

Try to obtain as much basic, useful information about your condition as you need to make informed decisions about your medical care. Information can help you to know what to expect. Taking in information can feel difficult and overwhelming, especially when you have just been diagnosed. Make a list of questions you’d like to ask before you visit the doctor. Consider bringing a family member or friend with you to your appointments to help remind you your questions or to remember what you hear.

Remember that you don’t have to sort everything out at once. It could take some time to deal with each aspect of your condition. Ask for help if you require it.

Ψ Anticipate possible physical changes that you may experience  

Plan for changes in advance. You can prepare yourself now so that you will be better equipped to cope later. Check with your doctor what changes you should anticipate. For instance, if the drugs can cause hair loss, you can seek advice and help from image experts about wigs, clothing, or hairpieces to make you feel more comfortable.

In addition, consider how treatment may impact your daily activities. Ask your doctor whether you can expect to continue with your normal routine in case you may need to spend more time in the hospital or have frequent medical appointments.

Ψ Try to maintain your normal lifestyle as much as possible

Maintain your usual routines but be open to modifying them as necessary. Take one day at a time. It’s easy to overlook this simple strategy when you are distressed. When the future is uncertain, organising and planning may suddenly seem overwhelming. 

Ψ Adopt a healthy lifestyle

This can improve your energy level. Choose a healthy diet consisting of a variety of foods and get enough rest to help you navigate the stress and fatigue of breast/ovarian cancer and its treatment. Engaging in physical exercise during treatment can also be helpful!

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Ψ Review your goals, priorities and values 

Determine what is important to you in your life. Find some time to engage in the activities that are most meaningful and fulfilling to you.

Spend 3-5 minutes practicing the 60th Birthday Exercise to help you identify what is important to you and how you want to live your life.

Ψ Share your feelings.  

Talking about your emotions can be hard, but it can also bring comfort to you and the people who care about you. When you tell your loved ones what you are feeling, you give that person a chance to support you. You also give your relationship with that person a chance to grow. 

Cancer may affect your relationships. Communication can help reduce the anxiety and fear that cancer can cause.  

Ψ Be specific. 

When reaching out to others, be specific and clear about the kind of support you need. For example, saying something like, “Could you help me shop for groceries this week?” or “Could you help to drive me to my next doctor’s appointment?” gives a clear indication to your loved ones how to best support you.  

Being specific can also cut down frustration and reassure your family and friends that they are being helpful.  

Ψ Take steps to look and feel your best. 

Many women might feel uncomfortable with their appearance after having surgery or chemotherapy.  

If you had breast surgery or are experiencing hair loss, learn about some of the options available, such as breast prostheses and hair wigs. Give yourself time to adjust to changes and try different solutions until you find what makes you feel most comfortable! 

Ψ Let yourself feel loved and cared for. 

After a breast removal surgery or chemotherapy, you may find that regular activities such as dressing, undressing, bathing or being intimate with your partner or spouse, can give rise to complex emotions.  

You might feel so different that you stop taking care of your emotional and physical needs. This might cause you to even distance yourself emotionally from your partner. However, you can always make other choices, such as choosing to remain close to your partner or spouse. You deserve to feel loved and cared for.  

Ψ Talk to your spouse or partner about the physical closeness you need. 

Share how you feel about your body and talk about what you think or worry that your partner is feeling.  

Whatever your needs are – whether you have a need for physical affection, or if you are not yet interested in being physically intimate – let your partner know. He/she is most likely waiting for your signal to know what to do, how to act and what you need in order to best support you. 

Ψ Join support groups and talk to other people with cancer. 

Sometimes it will feel as though people who haven’t experienced a cancer diagnosis can’t fully understand how you are feeling. It might help to talk to others who have been in your situation. Other cancer survivors can share their personal experiences and shed some insight into what you can expect during treatment.

You may have a friend or family member who has had cancer. If not, you can also connect with other cancer survivors through local support groups in your area.

Ψ Develop your own coping strategies and practise self-compassion. 

Just as each person’s cancer treatment is likely individualised, so can your coping strategy!  

Here are some self-care ideas you can try out: 

• Practise relaxation and mindfulness techniques (e.g., progressive muscle relaxation, breath focus, guided imagery, or loving-kindness meditation) 

• These methods help cultivate a softer, more spacious and kinder mind, while fostering self-compassion and letting go of inner judgement and hostility towards oneself. 

• Keep your own personal journal to help organise your thoughts 

• Finding a source of spiritual support (e.g., from your religion) 

• Set aside time to be alone each day 

• Remain engaged with work and leisure activities as much as you can.
  

Seeking professional help

Even with various support groups and loved ones, the cancer journey may still feel incredibly lonely. You may wish to speak to a psychologist for support and to help you process complex emotions that may arise. Know that you are not alone, and that there is great strength in asking for help.